Depression? Faking it? Confused?

[Stevey1]

I'm very unsure about my mental situation. On one hand my therapist thinks that I am exhibit symptoms of Depression but on the other, I ponder whether or not the majority of my negative emotions are being subconsciously perpetuated for some unknown reason. As someone who never feels like they fit in with the people around them, I'm very worried that I am subconsciously forcing myself to be sad because I will then be able to relate with the depressed community, as messed up as that is. However, I recently started talking to an old friend on the other side of the country about my problems and intern, theirs. But surely I would be taking advantage of these conversations to "Feel Connected" with my friend whom I may also add, is clinically depressed. However, I very much dislike our conversations, even as someone who doesn't mind opening up. So what's wrong with me? Is this whole thing just a way to rationalize the way I have been feeling? Or perhaps I don't like talking to my friend because It would disprove my theory. I understand that this seems rather abstract and over thought but I am just utterly confused. If anyone could offer any clarity into my very confused 14 year old brain I would be incredibly grateful. Thank you

[azarrah]

Hi Stevey,

The first thing I want to mention is that at the age of 14, your brain is very confused. It's undergoing a whole bunch of changes right now, and hormones are coursing through your body like this tidal wave of weird feelings and strangeness. It sucks. Some people find it more difficult to cope with than others, but rest assured that it does get easier! I remember clearly that when I was 14, I felt very depressed and lost as well. It's a symptom of confusion, pressure, and stress, caused by change.

Part of the issue is that at the same time all these physical changes are occurring, you're trying to sort out an identity for yourself. You need to start thinking about your future and the big questions, like what you want to be in life and what you'll do after school. This can be really scary. Your friend groups might be changing, or life is changing generally, and you're moving from having the mind of a child to being expected to take much more responsibility and undertake deeper thought processes. No wonder you're feeling dazed!

It's not weird or "wrong" to want to find your niche or label yourself, because that's partly what defines us as people. Depression may be an aspect of your personality, but it isn't the only one. You may find it helpful to think about your passions, or become more closely involved with your hobbies and interests. For example, a friend of mine has GAD, but instead of focusing on that, she considers herself first and foremost an artist. Really, though, the only thing that will sort out your identity is time! Hold tight 🙂

I think many young teens exhibit signs of depression, which are very similar to the signs of being confused or stressed about the future. It becomes a problem when it's seriously impacting on your quality of life. You're already speaking to a therapist - well done! Remember that you know yourself far better than the therapist does, but don't dismiss their suggestions out of hand. Whether you do or don't have clinical depression, treatments to help it might help you anyway. I know it's easy to worry about getting a formal diagnosis, but perhaps try to focus primarily on what will help you to feel better. You're welcome to stick around these forums and read about others' experiences, which could help you to clarify your own thoughts as well.

I hope my comments were helpful 🙂

[geoff]

hello Stevey, firstly you write well for a 14 year old, but do you agree with what your therapist has said to you, that you show signs of depression, and was hoping for that diagnosis, because 'negative emotions are being subconsciously perpetuated for some unknown reason' and this can definitely lead to depression, because a lot of the time people don't know why they are feeling depressed, and so struggle on with it.
You want to contact your friend with the intention that you want to tell him how you are feeling, but instead all you hear is about all of his problems, and I presume this has been going on for quite awhile, so now you really want to explain to him what's going on with you, but feel that you're not being recognised.
If however he wanted to listen to you then the conversation for you would be positive, that's understandable, especially if you rang him.
You want people to know how you are feeling, let them know that there are problems that you are unable to solve, let alone even know what they are, because you can't solve anything, don't know where to begin or why, that's where you have to trust your therapist, and if you don't then you must look elsewhere.
School counsellor's can start you off by discussing some matters, but are you prepared to tell them everything, that I'm unsure of, and that's why you need to see a child psychologist, but to do this will have to involve your parents to give any consent. Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Stevey1,

Thanks for your post.

It definately sounds like a lot of abstract thought going on and I can understand why it would be very confusing.

I want to be able to help and offer some clarity but first I think we need to try and break down this theory a little more -

You said in your post you think you are subconsciously "forcing yourself to be sad to relate" to the depressed community.

What is it about forcing yourself to be sad that allows you to relate? I think it's worth noting that you don't need to have a diagnosis or even be struggling with depression to be able to connect and relate to someone with depression. People with depression can have friends who have depression and friends who don't - just because a person has depression doesn't necessarily mean that they'd connect more.

You mentioned one friend that you talk to from the other side of the country; are there others? Do you have friends that are depressed and some that aren't?

If the only people that you felt you could talk to were those that had depression I think that what you were feeling would make sense.

What are the other reasons you think that this might be subconsciously perpetuated?

Finally - you mentioned that you've seen a therapist and they've made this diagnosis; what information might they have to come to this conclusion? Have you spoken about this with them? I'm assuming that maybe they've made this diagnosis based on other things happening in your life right now that might be affecting your mood.

I'm sorry that this hasn't given you more clarity but I just don't want to assume anything so that I can better understand where you're coming from. If you want to write back hopefully I can give you some more clarity! I also think that it's important to know that I don't think you're faking it and there's nothing wrong with you. If this is subconscious it might not be in your control anyway; and if it is in your control there's probably a good reason for it. It's important to remember too that a lot of depression is subconscious, so it might not be either or.