Friend Has Problem With Anxiety

[W_]

I met a girl online about 8 or 9 months ago and we ended up really good friends almost immediately.She didn't want to Skype with me at first and I was wondering if she had just been a stalker the whole time,but eventually we did end up talking.Recently,she opened up to me about something which explains a lot.She told me that she has a Social Anxiety Disorder. So over a year ago when she realized what it was and what was causing her depression she went to her mother for help (she was 14). Her mother told her she was "just a little shy".She kept asking for help but stopped when her mother (along with the rest of the family) made fun of her for it.Long story short that was her last year in that school, so she left everyone she knew and went to her new school.She only ever ate lunch with her sister and if that wasn't an option she would throw out her food so it looked like she ate and spend lunch in a bathroom stall. Anyways, that's about the time she finally said she would Skype with me.After a couple months she started getting better and tried really hard to be happy again. And now she says she is happier than she used to be, but although she didn't directly state it I gathered that I'm the only one she can really talk to.I told her to text me and just completely vent whenever she feels alone, anxious, or depressed and she has been. And that's when I started to get just how bad her anxiety is. For example, she had to work in a group and what she texted me was mildly alarming, but also really scared sounding, she said her stomach started cramping up and she couldn't breathe and she couldn't reason with her brain and it just sounded like absolute hell. I asked her if she tried self-help and she said she did, but she's only fifteen and couldn't find anything of real use for free online. Although I didn't ask her I'm pretty sure she didn't look into a blog like this because she is so scared of her family finding out and making fun of her again. I've tried giving her tips like chewing gum, listening to music anything I can find but most of it she's already tried and it doesn't help enough. I feel really guilty about this, because I feel like I am not doing a much better job of helping her then her family did, but my hands are tied and I need to know if there is someway I can help her get over her depression, but especially her anxiety because that seems like the root of her problems. So, if anyone knows anything, please tell me. Thanks

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi W.

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.

I'm so sorry that this girl you met is going through this. It sounds like it's incredibly hard for her and that she's a very alone. At the same time I'm also really happy that she has you to talk to. You said that you feel guilty but I don't see any reason why you should feel this way; you're being incredibly supportive by just being there. Supporting someone with anxiety and depression is no easy task and it's certainly not your position to give her the help that she so deserves. She needs a little more help than you can give her so please don't feel guilty.

Getting over depression and anxiety is no easy feat. It sounds like she needs a few more resources.

I'm sorry that her parent's and family haven't been helpful and I wish that this weren't the case.

I do have a few suggestions though -

1). Encourage her to open up with the school counsellor.

2). Encourage her to use the forums. You mentioned she's afraid of her parents finding out. Although I can't stop this there's a few things that might prevent it like using an anonymous name, setting up a different email account, deleting your history and cookies, or accessing the site from a different place like the school or library.

3). She could try Kids Help Line - they have an online chat which is also free as well as phone number if she feels comfortable calling them. https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/get-help/webchat-counselling/

Also headspace - they have centres for counselling as well as an online chat - https://eheadspace.org.au/

4) Continue to encourage her to breathe. If there's one thing that is going to help anxiety is going to be focusing on the breath. Her stomach cramping up and being unable to breathe - while incredibly scary - is not harmful and is another way that anxiety likes to pop it's head out.

She may want to consider mindfulness or meditation apps such as Smiling Mind. Another one that I recently found is BeOkay (app). This is more for 'in the moment' anxiety and I highly recommend it.

[james1]

Hey W,

First of all good on you for trying to help your friend. It sounds like you're a really caring person who really just wants to help.

It can be very hard for us, without any training, to help someone with a difficult issue like anxiety or depression. Psychologists go through years of study and practical work to even get qualified, then have to continue to keep up to date.

I think it would be good to remind yourself that you are a friend, not a doctor. The only people who can really help your friend make significant improvements are herself and a qualified doctor. As friends and family, we can support and lend our ears and help them help themselves, but we don't have the knowledge to treat someone.

Perhaps as a starting point you could see if she's open to seeing the school counsellor. Is this something they have at her school?

James