13 but no time to celarbrate

[nish]

it was my 13th birthday and mum had just got off the phone. I thought mum would be happy hearing from nan but tears were streaming down her face, I soon found out pop had died in his sleep and everyone was upset. I went to school and when I came home there was my dog that I had since birth howling and crying, I didn't think my birthday could get any worse. mum and me went to the vets and found out she had got cancer and in her leg and it had spreading more than last time and that they would have to put her down. a week before my mum and dad split up to instead of being happy for my birthday I was faced with family splitting up, my only pop dying and my best friend Jessi having to be put down. the following day's after went as a blur all I remember was everyone sad and depressed. my dad never came around for my birthday or the birthdays following. I'm now 18 and every birthday I'm reminded of my pop and my dog but also the sadness that come from it. I've learnt to deal with it and to always know that there up there watching me. as for my dad I believe that one day I'll see him I just hope he doesn't leave it to late. I struggle with depression but have learnt to live with it and that it's ok to cry. I wish I could go back to having a birthday without sadness but that's life, so instead on my birthday I don't go all sad I visit my pop's grave with a letter every year I changed the old one to the new one telling him about my life and my goals and tell him how much I love and miss him. it helps knowing that some how me doing that he is apart of my birthday.

[kanga_brumby]

Welcome Nish thank you for sharing your story. Your right in doing what your doing because it helps in your greaving. Its normal to greave after the loss of a loved one. Even your beloved dog. Sooner or later dad may visit you always leave a way into your life. For him to return, if he decides to return. If he decides to stay away from you that's his loss, because you seem to be a nice person. I think he would be very proud of you.

Kanga

[geoff]

hello Nish, you seem to be a lovely young lady who only wants to have love and acceptance in your life, but suffer so badly from previous experiences, for this I only want to offer my sincere condolences, and for you to go and visit your pop every birthday is another lovely gesture, one that stays close to your heart.
Perhaps your dad may feel too guilty to contact you, and could feel as though he isn't wanted, but that's not what you want, and to actually see him will finalise any thoughts of whether you want to keep in contact.
If you know where he lives, you could send him a letter, or even go knocking on his door, because if the two of you are expecting the other to make contact then nothing will happen, someone has to take that step, and I'm sorry but this may have to come from you, if you decide you want to see him.
I appreciate that your mum may disagree, but you want to find out, and if you don't, then this question will be annoying you, set your mind at ease. Geoff.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi nish,

What a beautifully written post. 

What you are describing is a sort of PTSD episode. In that syndrome, things get "misfiled " so to speak so that the emotions surrounding bad things from the past are pulled out of the memory filing cabinet and felt with the same intensity as if they were happening in the present.

We see this a lot in people who have returned from combat where a loud noise makes them feel like they are back in the dangerous situation they were in overseas in Afghanistan or wherever , but they are actually in their loungeroom in suburban Brisbane for example. 

The thing is ... We can inadvertently misfile things in our brain so that "loud noise " goes with "mortal danger" , and induces a rush of adrenaline and panic. The brain doesn't do so well sometimes at letting the person know that the TIME and PLACE are different and no need to worry ! 

With your birthday , your brain is telling you " birthday " must mean "distress and pain" and it's not doing a great job of going " oh yeah , hang on , that was many years ago ... " I don't need to feel those same emotions now.

I'm making it sound easy but it's not . So please get help to release your brain from this pattern if you are finding it really hard to do it on your own. ( your GP can give you a referral to a counsellor for this) 

On another note, with your dad. That is a super tough one and I don't believe there is only one right way to proceed. I 100% believe that you do whatever you feel is right for you in this moment but proceed only with the understanding that you cannot control the outcome. You can only control the way you think and behave , not others . So you say or don't say, or do or don't do with no expectations . Whatever the outcome is, will have to do. Meaning if you did not approach your dad , that's ok as long as you can sit with the outcomes of that for you ( most likely distance I guess, and the not knowing  ) .

If you approach your dad , that's ok as long as you can sit with the outcomes of that ... Which may be blame , anger , reproach ... OR it may be warmth and interest and connection ... Can you sit with that ? 

Do whatever you are prepared sit with ... It's about YOU . 

I love that your letters to your pop have changed over the years .. It's such a great sign of your resilience .