Depressed boyfriend

[Americanmary1]

Hi all,

 So my boyfriend told me he went to the doctors last week and that he needed time to get his head around what's wrong but wouldn't tell me what was wrong, when I brought it up he kept getting frustrated and would tell me he'll talk later. I kept calling and messaging where I got no answer. It was a week since I had heard from him until he spoke to me today saying we need to talk. When I spoke to him he told me he was diagnosed with depression. I brought up the issue of him pushing me away and when I asked him where our relationship stands he said we weren't broken up but his head is all over the place. I have voiced how desperately I want to be there for him but he just doesn't want to talk and it's starting to weigh me down and I don't know what to do. Please help 

[Rockpool]

Hello Americanmary1

Sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to write to tell you that you're not alone. It's always so hard to know what to do in this situation. Sometimes for me it's like trying to feel my way in the dark.

It sounds like you've let your boyfriend know you're here for him. In my experience with my partner who has depression, that was the most important thing. He kept pushing me away so I gave him space, while gently reminding him that I was never far away and always willing to help him. I also offered to go with him to appointments, which he didn't initially want, but now does.

 After a while of going through this process together, we've figured out a rhythm of sorts where I don't have to guess so much what he wants. He now tells me how much he appreciates the space and support I've given him. He's still learning about what it means to have depression and has bad days, but we can navigate them a bit better now.

Being in this situation feels awful and I'm sorry that i don't have a proper answer for you. Supporting someone with depression requires a lot of patience as they often do not know what they want or need. So please do make sure you try to be kind to yourself during this time as well. Get as much support for you as you can, whether that's through friends, family or even touching base with a councellor for yourself. Also, read the info on this website, it's incredibly useful.

I've also found the forums very supportive, so i hope you do too. It's great that you've reached out here.

Best of luck

Rxx

[blondguy]

Hey American

Welcome to the BB Forums and thankyou for posting too!

Your boyfriend has been diagnosed with depression...it is very common and not unusual. Even though you have kindly offered your help it isn't a surprise that he is pushing you away...Depression is a problem and he most likely is having difficulty accepting/dealing with having the disorder. He would be appreciative of your help but with depression many people would have difficulty articulating their thoughts or lack of them Mary.

You mentioned he was 'diagnosed' with depression. If I may ask you Mary..who diagnosed him?..

It might help you a great deal to have a look at our header 'Depression...The Facts'. Depression can be reduced in severity with regular treatment and sometimes medication (if suggested by his doctor) to enable him to heal using the meds as a foundation to do so.

ROCKPOOL...You are spot on with what you mentioned to Mary....Patience and time is required to heal as well as practicing the basic skill of being "Kind To Yourself'...Thanx Rxx...Legend!

Mary...Do you know if your boyfriend has been prescribed any medication for his depression? If so that is fine..He will heal either way...

Please let us know how you are going....and dont forget to look after the carer...thats you!

If you need us we are here Mary

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Americanmary1]

Thank you Rockpool, 

 your reply to me has actually made me feel better and more settled about the situation.

I am confused and concerned more than anything, because he is pushing me away and refusing to let me be there for him I don't understand at all what is going on or what I can do, I have told him I will try to help him through it and when he first started to pull away but was yet to tell me the reason he would get very upset when I asked what's wrong so I assured him I would talk to him as per usual and he didn't want that either. 

I am so sad and as much as I'm trying to not let this affect me, having my boyfriend whom I used to see every single day not speak to me for weeks on now is very difficult. I don't want to make this about myself and let him know how it's affecting me because I know he's handling his own issues right now but it's really taking a toll on me and I'm not understand what's going on with myself anymore. I barely have an appetite or sleep anymore, I'm not bothered socialising and when I finally do I'm just 'there'. 

 I hope he will allow me to be there for him through this rough time, so everything can return to normal.

once again thank you

[Americanmary1]

Many thanks Paul,

 your reply is highly appreciated and is helping me to understand this puzzle of a situation better.

 to answer your questions; he was diagnosed by his gp and has not let me ask him any questions so unfortunately I am unsure of whether he has been prescribed any medication but would assume so.

 The strange thing in all this is he says he needs time because of the depression and that he doesn't want to break up but he's unsure of what he wants and is not ready to talk to me. He has continued to carry out his normal day to day tasks though; he's still going to work every morning, he went to his friends house, and his younger cousins birthday. I'm not understanding how the depression can make him withdraw from just myself!! 😞 I care about him way too much that my worry is eating away at me. 

Thank you very much Paul