Crushing guilt, and awful nostalgia over breakup

[Sashabratzlol]

Hi, I came here today because I felt I needed someone to talk to about how I'm feeling. I think it's unfair to dump these problems on my ex, and it's starting to annoy him, as he is distancing himself from me now. What happened was, he was my first everything, and long story short, he broke up with me because I would never give him enough space. He loved me more than I liked him, and he asked for breaks sometimes.  I don't think I realised at the time the importance of breaks. In my mind it was me+him=happy, and I would always end the breaks early. It hurts a lot, thinking about how he promised one day to 'never take a break again'. Just for my sake, not his. He broke up with me because he just needed the space. He told me on our last day together, that he was so sorry, and loved me, and didn't want me to cry. It hurts a lot thinking he tried to save me from the pain on our last day. I only realised, and he only communicated properly to me, after the breakup, that he actually did need the breaks, and he was stressed out about always being with me, even though he told me he really enjoyed being with me. I can't believe that my selfishness led the first boy who ever truly loved me, to break up with me, and he says he'll never take me back again, and that he is alright now, but is sick of it and doesn't want it anymore. It hurts so much, because I know I didn't fix some problems we had with each other until too late. The last day we had, I did fix an issue he had with me, but he said it was too late by then. I can't deal with the crushing guilt, and the crushing nostalgia. Thinking about things we did, and the things he selflessly bought me, just makes me feel awful. He never pressured me to do anything bad sexually, and I am so happy we felt loved doing that, even though we had issues concerning me to do with that. I'm just in a mess right now, and wake up crying, and really can't see the future. I do have a good life apart from this issue. I feel like I was two people during the relationship. I had to hide it from my parents, and I think this led to a splitting of my personality somehow. The side which was, 'his', and the side I showed to my parents. I know that the relationship wasn't heaven every stage of the way, but the nostalgia is driving me to think that it was. I feel the side that was 'his' has taken over now somehow when before, I would feel the side that didn't think of him often, a lot of the time. Thanks for any reply, I feel absolutely awful.

[pipsy]

Dear Sashabratzolol.  I think when it's the first bf/gf relationship, it 's always a big deal for girl (if it's the first bf, and boy if it's the first gf).  If it's first relationship for girl, at any age, it's full-on, because we have no idea how to give and take.  With most girls, we have this need to either copy mum and dad's marriage, or if their marriage is not so good, we feel we have to be better.  With most boys, they don't mature at the same rate so they still like their freedom to 'hang out' with their mates.  They want gf's so they don't feel the 'odd one out', but they still want their freedom.  My first bf, used to 'break up' with me  frequently, then a few weeks later, beg me to 'take him back'.  It's no-one's fault here, what happened, you wanted more than bf could commit.  You possibly frightened him with your intensity because, to you, he was everything.  I don't think you were deliberately being selfish, you just don't understand, boys need to be 'boys'.  As I said girls tend to be a bit full-on and want 'all or nothing'.  Do you have any gf's you can enjoy company with?  You need to be reassured that the right boy will come along, this one obviously wasn't the right person.  I don't know your age, but you sound very unsure, this is normal too.  Try to put it down to first bf experience.       

[Zeal]

Hi Sasha,

Welcome to the forum!

Breakups are really tough on an emotional level, especially when it's the first. I was on the late-side when I had my first relationship at 21. The breakup was okay, as it was mutual and wasn't a long-term relationship either. I have been with my current boyfriend for 10 months now, and we are really close and spend lots of time together, but he still has time with just his male friends too. Even though we enjoy all the time we spend with each other and miss each other when we're not together, having a day here and there to do our own thing is important too. That way, we appreciate the time we have together even more, and we also have more to talk about.

Because I am 23 and my boyfriend is 24 and we're both very ready to have a committed and long-term relationship, the foundation of our relationship is strong. If you are in your teens, chances are many guys your age won't be ready for a full-on and committed relationship. It depends on the person though, of course.

Your ex-boyfriend sounds nice and like he really did care about you, but wasn't able to commit as much as you. Needing space is quite common, and perhaps he is still sorting things out in his life and isn't able to completely commit emotionally like you are. You are definitely not selfish. You just had more emotional needs than your boyfriend, which led to him feeling overwhelmed and unable to reciprocate this level of emotionality.

As he said he won't restart or continue the relationship with you, and was upfront and honest during the breakup, you do fortunately have this closure. Like Pipsy said, try to spend time with your friends to keep socially engaged. Having too much time to yourself after an emotionally stressful event can be really unhelpful. Are you still at school? If so, school will help to occupy you.

I really hope you can start to heal emotionally from the breakup. If you're close to your Mum, talking to her about how you feel could help to relieve some of the pent-up sadness. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, so there is no shame in talking to your Mum about this first relationship. Just so long as you leave out the physical details and personal things of this nature, you should be fine.

Best wishes,

SM

[Sashabratzlol]

Thank you all for the responses 🙂 it was him who seemed to be very intense at times, actually. He told me I influenced everything he did, and he did a lot for me. He told me he loved me a lot, and I think this gave mixed messages. He said he only asked for breaks at times of crisis where he couldn't stand it anymore, and I seemed to have misinterpreted this as 'he's in trouble, I need to be with him'. I actually have kept this a secret from my mum, as she thinks study is a priority, even though I have handled him and studies well in my opinion , with him breaking up with me the day before an important test I scored very well on 😛 I do hope in my heart he will give me a chance to prove my love again, as I do understand my mistakes I made with him, and do believe we could succeed again, but it's up to him in the future, whether he changes his mind or not. I do think he was really right for me in a lot of ways, but mistakes broke us up. It's the school holidays now and having the amount of free time is a bit of a burden, but I'll be seeing my school friends soon I hope. (By the way, I'm actually in year eleven, this is just a old user name so people I know can't find me.) he did care a lot, and love me a lot. I just didn't know at the time, I guess, that 'needing space' was an actual emotional need. He has a few mental issues as well, but those don't really affect us, it might have been why he needed breaks. He did commit emotionally, but just needed space I guess. After the breakup, he did make me really upset by throwing away a love letter he was going to give to me for Christmas (He forgot it on Christmas day), and lying to me about being on a date(three days after the breakup) to prove that I wasn't okay with him moving on, and I obviously reacted negatively, I accused him of using somebody to get over me 😞 The thought of him giving me the next chance to prove myself is what keeps me going on I guess, and I do enjoy talking to him as a friend. Hopefully, just hopefully, he knows that I'll learn from my mistakes.. Maybe on one of our birthdays coming up. But it's just wishful thinking, 🙂 thanks again for replying.