My struggle with depression

[Alien_Slime]

Many people think that depression is a sad girl, crying in her room because her boyfriend dumped her. 
To me, depression is hospital stays, isolation periods, not leaving your room, constant darkness pulling you under even when you're just about to break free of it's evil grips. 

Depression has screwed me up since I was 13. I am now 19. Accompanying my depression is anxiety. Both at the same time is truly the worst feeling in the world, no one can understand unless they have experienced it. 

Anyway, I was on a happy streak for about 5 months. Then all of a sudden I'm depressed again. I hate waking up of a morning, everything feels dull but I have to pretend that everything is fine. My partner is studying at university and we barely have time for each other. It bothers me, and certainly doesn't help during my dark periods. Not saying we have a dependent relationship, but I like to be cuddled and told it's going to be okay. And I don't have that, and his commitment to university makes the relationship hard. My Dad is abusive and my Mother suffers with mental illness herself, so it makes it  hard for me to have anyone to talk to. 

Tomorrow I am going to see a doctor to discuss these feelings and I'm scared. I have tried medication and therapy many times. medication just makes me sick and therapy can only help for a limited time. 

I am really struggling right now and need some guidance. I don't want to be stuck on my bedroom floor listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall" on repeat for the rest of my life (even though it's a brilliant album) 

I want someone to talk to and empathize with these feelings. I thought an online forum may help. I'd like to hear about your experiences with depression/ anxiety. I would like to know that I am not alone, and that my feelings are valid. A lot of people say it's selfish of me to be upset over my boyfriend being at uni almost always. Or that it's silly of me to feel this way period. Is it? 

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Alien Slime.

How did you go with your doctor?

Yes, it's a brilliant album, I love anything by PF, but it might be time for something that cheers you up, obviously music is important to you so why not try something a little more uplifting for a while?

Of course your feelings are valid and you will find many folks on this fine site that relate exactly to what you are saying. Staying plugged in to your plan of recovery is key. I don't think it's silly that you are upset about your BF's uni situation however, if you cannot change it then you can only change your response to it. Constantly losing energy to the situation does not serve either of you so I guess you could try and find other ways or people to fill this void. Some times I have to cuddle myself! Not literally but in my mind I can imagine the cuddle, from whoever, imagine being loved and feel it in your heart. I can also get that feeling by giving love to others or giving thanks, for all that I have, the nature around me and the miracle of life.

Other things that I use to improve my mental health are good diet, exercise, meditation and all the good things in my life that bring peace and happiness, I ensure that I am active in the things that are important to me...music, friends, nature, camping etc, they all bring me happiness but they don't happen unless I take the time to plan ahead.

You're not alone, you can talk here any time. Love to you.

Jack

[White_Rose]

Dear AS

Hello and welcome. Thanks for talking to us and I am sorry you have waited for several days before getting a reply.  Interesting name, Alien Slime, but I cannot think it belongs to you. Perhaps you can find a name that is more like you.

Yes depression is the pits and at times it can be overwhelming. I have been there and so have most if all the subscribers to BB. To get past this we need to work quite hard at it. How did your visit to the doctor go? I hope you found some help there.

One thing about depression is that out of the blue it will come back to bite you. This is when you need to be so familiar with your various help plans. If you have been to a therapist and found a way or ways to manage your depression that's great. What needs to happen from there is that you continue to use these skills. When you feel that you are OK and don't need these skills is often when you fall over again. As Jack has already commented, staying plugged in to your plan of recovery is essential.

No one here will think you are silly. We know all too well how horrible life can get. But you will have to help yourself to be the best you can. Have you discussed the different medications available with your GP. There are heaps. No, pills will not cure you but they will help until you can stand alone. I have recently changed medication. I have taken SSRI and MAO (MOA?) meds and I always have bad side effects. So recently my GP changed to the older type of meds, Tricylics and I am so much better of. Just because it works for me does not mean it will work for you. So have a chat about meds with your GP. I'm sure there will be one that suits you.

You can browse all the forums here and read about other peoples' experiences. I think you will find them very helpful. Also take note of Jack's suggestion about exercise, diet etc. These are as important as proper meds. Go to your local library and get a book or two on mindfulness. This will help you build up some resistance to your anxiety and reduce the effects of it on bad days.

Being on your own is not good for you. Why not go to uni with your BF? You can study there as easily as at home and you will have the company of other people. I love the days when I have my home to myself, but not too often. I need people and activities otherwise I will crash big time. And I have activities for when I am having 'one of those days'.

Mary