Break ups and emotions

[digdeepriseup]

Hi, I'm new to this but I'll try to be as honest as i can and hope for the best.

This is the first time I've reached out for help. I haven't been to a counsellor of my own accord before and cant seem to find the courage to talk to my doctor about it. 

I have been feeling depressed and miserable for a long time. Maybe since my father died of cancer 3 years ago. Maybe since I broke up with my last girlfriend. Who treated me exceptionally poorly. She slept with my friends and strangers. She manipulated and used me. And it took me so long to realise that this wasn't love. I was stupid to stay with her through the cheating and lies. I suddenly realised that she changed everything i loved about myself. I hated myself. But somehow I found the courage to break up with her. It was a really confronting time for me. Trying to find my self again.

6 months after leaving her i found the love of my life. We have in the last year moved in together and built a busy but beautiful life together. Sometimes I just find it hard to muster up a smile and enjoy the fact that I'm alive. Recently I had a break down in front of my girlfriend, I told her she was the only thing that made me happy in my life. It scared the shit out of her and made her think of herself and whether she's truly happy. I love her more than anything in the world and even though I struggled to keep up with her lifestyle I put all my energy into being the best Girlfriend i could be for her. She's the most self-less person I've ever met. Dedicates her time to helping everyone around her and never has time for herself. She lost herself too. We broke up last week. 

So I guess I'm just trying to find a reason to get out of this rut and make a better life for myself. I am having a good day today. I had a bad day yesterday and had to leave work because I had an anxiety attack. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I just want to know how to heal. How to have a healthy relationship without loosing myself. How do I cope? 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi digdeepriseup,

Thank you for your post. Please understand that this forum is no substitute for counselling or the help of a G.P./psychologist. Upon reading your post, the first thing I would urge you to do is see one of them and find the courage to tell them this, or print it and show them. They will be more help than I could hope to be.

I have been in a relationship where I adored my partner and she took advantage of me and treated me poorly. I understand how that happens and how hard it is to extricate yourself from it. That took a lot of courage.

The second girl, maybe the bit about "I told her she was the only thing that made me happy in my life." is what scared her. Your happiness is a heavy burden to put on someone else. None of us are responsible for the happiness of another, except maybe infants, but in adult life we are all responsible for our own feelings. Of course there is nothing wrong with the feelings you experience when with another person, but they are feelings you need to provide for yourself. Co-dependency is, to a degree, part of most relationships but not to that extent. Is there any chance of talking with her and trying to explain a bit better? You said you moved in together (presumably as a couple rather than flatmates) so is it worth a shot.

Kind regards, John.

[PeeBee_Jay]

Hey mate,

like CrashCoyote said above, my advice is not a substitute for professional help, but I guess all you need right now is someone to hold out a hand.

What I've learnt through past relationships is that, relationships are messy and intricate and difficult. But when you get it right they're amazing. However of course relationships exist between two people, who love each other. But it becomes incredulously difficult to love someone who doesn't love themselves or is not happy in their own life. And of course vice versa, sharing yourself with someone when you yourself aren't happy. And this goes with work too. In order to make better relationships that exist between you and another whether it be a romantic relationship or with work, you first must find happiness for yourself and with who you are and your place in the world. Start with you as the centre and slowly work your way outwards. Begin by asking yourself what makes you happy. If you like bike riding, go for a massive ride to the beach!! If you love reading take some time out every night or second night to read!! If you like animals, buy yourself a dog! Go for a coffee with a friend you haven't seen for a while, go dancing, start writing short stories, have night time drives with blaring music.

Treat this period as if you are in a relationship with yourself. Make yourself come to love who you are as a person and happy with the life you have got. Have a bit of "Eat, Pray, Love". Once you've achieved this self-happiness you'll be able to happily share your self with others and slowly come to see your relationships bloom. You've got to heal you heart before you heal the life that surrounds you.

I really hope this helps. And in your own words, DIG DEEP RISE UP, you got this 🙂