Becoming emotionally numb...

[PrincessMilktea]

I'm beginning to lose my emotions, or at least, the intensity of my emotions have declined. I have no life passions/motivations and this didn't bother me so much before, but recently after some existential angst/depression (where I've logically concluded that life is ultimately meaningless for reasons too long to share here) I've become less and less motivated to continue functioning like normal. I'm currently 17 and I see no point in pursuing a degree in economics anymore (I only chose this subject out of mild interest that isn't deep enough to be called a passion) and now I am more or less going through the motions of this prosaic existence but no longer find myself feeling any satisfaction or even dissatisfaction. Occasionally I get a dull ache in my chest because I find everything is unstimulating/predictable/boring and I have tried therapy, but my therapist doesn't know what to do with me after I explained my reasons for being a nihilist.

I believe that my nihilism wouldn't be a problem if I at least had some pleasurable activities I could partake in regularly, but nothing (that I can reasonably do at my age/budget) so far has given me pleasure and I can only assume that drugs/alcohol will help. Obviously I'm aware that this is unhealthy, and so I'm leaning towards something less harmful like antidepressants, however I can't access the prescription and money for this because I don't want my parents to know I'm depressed/anhedonic. Before you advise me to tell them, just know that they are from a somewhat "backwards thinking" culture that doesn't understand mental illness and depression very well, and will probably find it a burden or cause for stress if they have to deal with me. This is not because they don't care, but because they don't understand it and I'd rather not have to placate them when I barely know how to deal with it myself. I also have insomnia, and the last time I tried to explain it to them, it caused me a lot of anxiety and upset because I couldn't communicate to them in a way they could comprehend. I'd be grateful for some advice (and yes I do have a stable social life, I do normal teenage girl things like going to the movies and attending parties, however I'm almost always faking my excitement and honestly feel nauseated from being around other young people. I feel most isolated/lonely when I'm in a crowd as opposed to being alone because I feel like our differing life views just punctuates my social insularity further).

[PrincessMilktea]

I sure hope there are more people like me at uni, though I suspect most would find my life views somewhat pessimistic/negative. It's funny because I hate negativity, and would be the last person you'd describe as a "downer", so this nihilism comes as a huge surprise to people I meet. I have a lot of respect for you for being able to stay simultaneously positive and logical, a combination that's rare to see nowadays. And thanks for the support James, I'd hate to walk this tunnel on my own. Also, I know it's none of my business but may I ask what you're doing right now with a philosophy degree? Are you happy with your decision? (It's fine if you don't wanna answer).

[james1]

Hey, I am very happy with my decision. So I did an Economics/Arts degree and was doing Philosophy as my arts major, but dropped the arts degree and finished with Economics with double major in economics and philosophy.

So now I work in a bank but my gut feel says I'll be pursuing a completely different course in life.

I chose economics for a similar reason to you - i needed money and philosophy wasn't going to give me that.

I don't "enjoy" my job, but it pays for the things I want to do. It means I can travel and see the world, and own my own little apartment and design it the way I want. It means that one day, when I want to write for a career, I can do that without worrying about a house to live in.

My suggestion, coming from only my experience, is that you'd need to pair a philosophy major with something else. It's very risky to try and do philosophy only and try to get a job. People respect it for the skills, but will question what you want to do in life. I find that uncomfortable because my answer is "knowledge", and workplaces dont' usually like that.

But I do think it's a wonderful major. The subjects are fascinating.

James

[PrincessMilktea]

When you say you'll be pursuing a different course, do you mean like a completely different industry outside of economics, or something a little more interesting but within a reasonable profession for your degree? Sorry for all the questions, I personally am not a 100% on my future right now, I think we're similar enough for me to ascertain how happy I'd be with it based on how you feel. It sounds as though you're doing well, but then you're relatively young yourself so there's that.

Also, would it be overwhelming to do a double major? I'm a fairly quick learner, but I'd rather not overestimate myself.

[White_Rose]

Hello Princess

I appear to be unable to explain my thoughts in a way that gets my message across. And I completed a degree in communication. That's a bit of a blow to my ego. I will try again.

We set out to achieve something, possibly finding out where the best sushi shop is, and set out on our journey of exploration. Finding the shop gives us satisfaction, we have achieved what we set out to do and it is that achievement that gives happiness, however fleeting. We still retain the knowledge of our achievement and that can lead us to other achievements because we have learned to believe in our abilities. Yes we still patronise the sushi shop and enjoy eating it, but we have now accomplished our goal and enjoy our satisfaction of knowing where to buy the best sushi in town even we eat it only a couple of time.

Pleasure in achievement stays with us gives us the impetus to achieve in other fields. Happiness, as in a state of wild excitement does not last, mainly I suspect because it is too exhausting.

So what do you want to achieve, because it's a step to the next achievement etc and the way to satisfaction with your life. Trouble is, I cannot tell you what you want. Ah well.

My granddaughter (7) was staying with me a couple of days ago and I let her look at the various lengths of fabric I have to choose the fabric for her next dress. It gave her immense satisfaction, especially as she chose five fabrics or combinations of fabric. I have always sewn clothes for my children, sometimes out of financial necessity, but mostly because I like doing it. My girls, and their daughters, liked to have pretty dresses, skirts etc and I gained enormous satisfaction by giving them something they enjoyed.

How does this fit into your world view? I am really interested in how you would see this occupation of mine, which has given me pleasure for many years. How would you interpret the satisfaction people get by having conversations on BB, by supporting and helping each other? It's not a tangible activity and yet the results of mutual support can be 'seen' even though the people never meet.

I feel as though I am brow beating you and I want to say this is not my intention. Just offering you my activities for comment.

What would you like to talk about? I haven't asked you this before which is rather remiss of me. Hope we can continue chatting.

Mary

[james1]

Hey PrincessMilkTea,

Umm, out of banking. Maybe within economics, but highly unlikely. I would even consider going back to uni and working part time to pay the bills.

There's a thread you might be interested to read about working and finding jobs here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/working-and-finding-jobs#qnBAenHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

I think the main thing for me, since I keep trying to grasp the idea of working in a job that I enjoy, is to take the opportunities that get presented.

If I had to point at one thing which I think I really want to do, it is to basically be a "better" version of me as I get older. So any opportunity in which I think I can develop or grow, I'll give it a go.

I got in a pretty bad mental state last year and one of the things that kept me getting up each day was how much I didn't want to feel overwhelming regret. The feeling of missed opportunity sucks so I've tried to stay a pretty open book, and that's worked pretty well for me this year.

So you said you're feeling not 100% sure of your future and, by the sounds of it, what you want to do. I think that's actually a good thing, even if it can feel frustrating when a lot of other people seem to either know, or not care.

Maybe instead of thinking about what jobs you'd like to do, you could have a think about what skills you'd like to develop. After all, jobs and interests are only temporary, while skills tend to last a lot longer.

I definitely recommend doing a double degree if there are two things you are interested in. It's no harder - it's just longer, and more varied.

James