Anxiety is ruining my prospective relationships

Clair67 · ‎25-06-2014

Hi everyone. I am 21 and I have had social anxiety and general anxiety all my life. I have had some big changes in my life; we immigrated when I was 14 and I left a very big family behind in my home country. I lost an aunt and cousin close to me a couple of years ago which led to heightened anxiety. I have been in two abusive relationships, one emotional and one sexual. After the sexual one ended, I was depressed and first started going on antidepressants. Both relationships made me feel worthless and insecure.

About two years ago I met this lovely guy who I get along with very well. He had a girlfriend at the time. After a year, we both realised we were very close and might have feelings for each other. This is when I started to let my anxiety from previous relationships poison our relationship. I couldn't believe anyone as great as him would want me. He has put up with alot from me. He recently left his girlfriend, and wanting to keep talking to me was a main influence. But this happened at the same time his dad passed away suddenly. Instead of being helpful, my mood swings and anxiety about the two of us kicked into over drive. I couldn't concentrate, would get angry at him all the time and just couldn't stop myself even though I knew I was being irrational.

Recently he told me that he just wants to be friends for the forseeable future because he cannot deal with my anxiety and moods while coping with the loss of his dad. I understand completely and I feel absolutely terrible for the burden I've placed on him. I love him and the thought that I might lose the chance of being with him because of my anxiety and mood problems just kills me. I am on anti anxiety medicaton again and am looking to seek counselling.

Any advice on what I should do from here, or anyone with similar experiences? I don't want to lose this person and I don't want my anxiety to keep me from healthy relationships with other people. Any help will be appreciated 🙂

Struggler · ‎25-06-2014

Hi Clair67

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

First let me congratulate you on taking the steps to help your situation. You said you're on antidepressants again. So there has been a period when you were off the meds. That's ok. I suffer from depression and anxiety but went off them few months ago. However, if I face another traumatic event and feel I cannot cope, then I have no hesitation in talking to my doc and be placed back in meds. There is nothing to be ashamed about but I'd keep it private.

When you talk to your counsellor or psychologist, I hope he/she will help you deal with your past traumas, recognise them for what they are, rebuild your self esteem and self confidence. Rid your environment of toxic people & surround yourself with people who are supportive of you. Post on this forum and read others' posts. Together with the right medication and your determination to lead a better life, you will find happiness. Work on yourself first and when you are well, then you'll be able to sustain a meaningful relationship with a boyfriend or even a marriage and children in the future.

Remember this: The Past Does Not Have To Equal The Future

Love to read more posts from you and take care.

Struggler

Clair67 · ‎21-07-2014

Hi Struggler,

Thank you for your wonderful reply. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Your advice really meant alot to me- you're right, I do have to take care of myself first before I can focus on relationships with others. I've finally managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist- so I hope this helps as I have only been seeing a GP. Looking forward to reading more from you!

Clair

AGrace · ‎22-07-2014

Hi Clair,

I completely agree with Struggler, and im pleased you've decided to seek the advice of a Psychiatrist. I think you will get the right medication and some strategies to better manage your anxiety and help improve your self worth.

I think the way you expressed yourself in your first post was very powerful. I wonder whether you would consider putting exactly what you wrote in an email or letter to your friend? I think it gives a really clear picture of where you're at, how you feel, and ultimately what you want. How do you think he would respond to this? It sounds like he's been immensely supportive in the past, however he's grieving now and probably needs a bit of support from you.

Interested to hear your thoughts.

AGrace