All up-hill from here - acknowledging and accepting

[Mags1]

Hey! I'm Maggie, I'm 20 years old, I'm studying Sound Production, I've been struggling with depression/anxiety since I was 15. This is my first post, here we go...

I guess the biggest thing going on with me at the moment is the realisation that I am truly Ill and have been for a long time. My acknowledgement and acceptance of my own mental illness has grown gradually over the past year or two (very gradually and with little to no action taken) but recently the realness of it all has really smacked me in the face. This realisation is mainly due to the incredibly overdue sessions I started with a psychologist about a month ago.

The confirmation that I have a serious mental disorder is both comforting and terrrifying. Comforting because It’s all up-hill from here, It’s something that can be treated, it is possible for me to get better, and mainly, get back to myself, which I find incredibly exciting (I actually love who I am when I’m not mentally scrambled). Terrifying that this has been going on for so many years and I’ve only just started getting help. I’ve been through so much pain and I never understood how serious it was. Terrifying and also saddening how bad it had to get before I did anything.

The past couple of days I’ve felt like myself. It’s a pretty foreign feeling to me, something I don’t feel very often. Right now I feel at ease. The irritableness, anger, sadness and anxiety that has been everyday life for me for so long has taken a backseat and I’m completely calm. Conversation comes easily, I have motivation to do things, my concentration is good. Basically, i’m a well functioning human for once. I am myself. There are a few strong feelings that have come up from this period of ‘normal-ness’. Mainly i’m angry at my mental illness for turning me into a wreck of a person. This huge, dark monster of an illness destroys every part of me that makes me who I am and I am so angry at it for doing that. On the other hand, i am so relieved that my true self is still around.

Although it may only be a snippet, I am back to myself, I love who I really am and I can see that my illness is an illness and is not who I am. Heres to hoping that these snippets will become longer and more frequent as time goes by. Like I said, It's all up-hill from here.

-Mags

[Zeal]

Hey Maggie,

Welcome to the forum!

I enjoyed reading your post, and I'm amazed by your strength and self-compassion. I'm glad you started seeing a psychologist for the anxiety and depression, and I was happy to read that you are starting to feel more like your true self. You certainly have self-insight and a great attitude in regards to your mental health journey. Like you said, you have an up-hill trajectory from here. Loving who you are is amazing, and this will be a huge protective factor against mental illness relapse. Accepting yourself and having self-compassion is crucial for mental wellness. I struggled with this when I was in my teens.

Sound production sounds interesting. I have a friend who studied something similar at TAFE, and now does sound, lighting and technical stuff for events like The Fringe. Whenever someone in my group of friends has an event or party, he brings his lighting and sound equipment, which everyone appreciates!

If you don't mind me asking, do you live at home with your parents? Also, do you have emotional support from a loved one/loved ones, whether that's family or someone else?

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[HamSolo01]

Hey there maggie. Welcome to the BBY forum.

I like how you've got self awareness that helps you see things as they truly are. In a similar sense I've only started coming to terms with what i deal with myself. It's strange to think that even 6 months after being in hospital I still can't fully accept that i have mental illness.

The whole mix of it being comforting and terrifying at the same time reminds me of when i first got diagnosed. Thats to be expected i reckon.

Im inspired by how you can see that your illness is not you, its just a thing you need to deal with. Thats something i need to do. Thanks for the reminder haha.

Hows your course going? Do you know what sort of things you want to do with that?

Take care 🙂

- Mitch

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Maggie! Welcome to the forum. Like Zeal said, I absolutely loved reading your post. Seeking help is such a wonderful thing, and the fact that you can see elements of your true self coming through must be so wonderful. It will be a long road but it sounds like you have a great psychologist helping you out. I'm also 22 and have suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and on top of seeing a psychologist I found using the app "Booster Buddy" to be so extremely helpful. It is easy to feel resentful of mental illness, but try and not let those feelings take over, focus on the progress you are making and how good you are feeling right now. I love how you said your illness is not who you are, that is such a strong and resilient comment. Seeing this post has made me so hopeful and excited! Would love to hear how you go over the next few days.

[Mags1]

Hey Zeal,

I live in a share house with a couple of uni mates, about 5 hours away form my home-town and family.

As for support, My best friend is the only person that knows what I've been going through and the only person outside my GP and Psychologist who I talk to about my mental state. He's very supportive and always there for me. I'm very lucky to have him looking out for me. I'm a very closed off person and I've always kept my issues and struggles hidden. I want to tell my family but it's a really hard thing to do, It's very scary. Mainly because I love my parents and I know that it would really hurt them to know that I was struggling for so long and they never knew. I do want to tell my family though and it's something I've been thinking about a lot as well.

Cheers for the reply!

-Mags