All friends gone, hopeless, failed again.

[Deltius]

Hello,

I Unfortunately, over the last week have lost all my friends, being accused of sexually assaulting someone, lashed out at a friend and her parent due to others warping my thoughts into thinking my friend was having sex my brother and have had all progress reset, I am in debt, don't eat properly, constantly feel like throwing up and have had wellfare checks and been to the ER a couple times. Help?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Deltius,
Thanks for reaching out tonight on the Beyond Blue forums,
It sounds like you've had a very difficult past week and are so sorry you are going through this. We're also sorry to hear you don't have much support at the moment from your friends - if you're comfortable, could you explain to us a bit more about why you've been accused of sexual assault? (although, please be aware that specific detail of the alleged sexual assault is not permitted on the forums). We know things feel hopeless at the moment but please know that things can improve with the right support. 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport . They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

We would also recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. It might be worth finding out what they can offer you.

Thanks again for reaching out Deltius and we hope to hear more from you, 

[Deltius]

Not to worry, the accusation is not with the police or anything like that. Essentially I had a close friend who I was looking after while they were over-intoxicated. I patted them on the back and stopped when they requested me to stop. The issue is they have a history of being taken advantage of while drunk. Because they can not remember anything of the night, I believe what has happened is their brain has filled the gaps in their memory based on past experience and trauma. The phrase I was told is "I really want to hope you were there to help me but I just can't" so they since accused me to the heads of our friend group and I have since been disowned but all the people I thought close to me with out them asking for my side of the story or even letting me know it was happening. All the stress from that event and losing all of my "friends" caused me to be insanely unstable and suicidal, I then had to deal with a weekend of 3 main adults telling me that my other good friend and my brother are probably having sex which bothers me for reasons that are complicated and hard to explain.

But to summarise, the sexual assault in question was a pat on the back, no sexaul intention or interest from me, so now I have learnt that helping drunk people is a bad idea, I've also learnt that being honest and genuine apparently just makes things worse for me, but that part is not tied to the sexual incident but is tied to my close friend who I lashed out towards like an idoit. I send them a genuine and respectful apology only to then be removed on several of their personal media.

[tranzcrybe]

You know in your own mind how things went down - take that as your point of reference. How others respond is sadly denying you right of reply and that is an injustice you cannot easily restore - sometimes making a scene only makes it worse and weakens your standing among peers. Important to carry yourself with dignity of the truth, not how others judge or ostracise you.

If asked (or confronted), express your account calmly, leaving nothing out and, while difficult to relate, show understanding for how people can jump to conclusions from a small seed and recognise various viewpoints. This will aid your cause as accepting misinterpretations is placing the onus on the accusers and not at your feet.

I would recommend you talk again with your friend (if practical) to discuss in more detail her account in comparison with your own - a 'close friend' sounds a little ambiguous so clarifying the nature of your friendship and how long you have been there for each other should carry some weight. Also, consider your own history objectively to see if anything you may have done prior could contribute to such allegations to leave the final impression. Be prepared to address this and how you feel.
Certainly not a bad idea to help out those in need, but perhaps useful to have another person present in future to corroborate any disputes...

'Lashing out' sounds reactive which is always a risky move - I think we have all done that at some point and regretted it later. 'Honest and genuine' can lose its lustre if only seen from one angle. I find it helpful to see the other side and work backwards to a solution, or at least an understanding. Also, not the apology but 'sending' it may be the problem here, where a face to face shows remorse and willingness to take ownership and allows you to clarify in real time any grievances and questions (even just copping it fair and square can be restorative for the recipient).

Find another friend group ASAP and talk it over when you feel comfortable enough. Your genuine friends will return and new ones shall be formed.

I know it's a tough road for you for a while and your character will be (has already been) tested, so believe in yourself above all and remember this too shall pass, leaving you stronger for the experience.

[Deltius]

Some of this info is helpful, I can't contact the old friend group as they have all removed me from medias and any form of contact. It all happened over night on the night I found out. As for my other friend, I had to send the apology because they had no interest in seeing me or even speaking to me.

At this point the only one that might return is her but at the same time I have had a lot of people tell me it would be best to space myself from her as she has year 12 and we are bad for each other. I have no doubt more friends will show up eventually but based of my past experience, they too will flake on a moments notice just like every other time I have attempted to make friends. I'm clearly just not supposed to have any.