I don't know how to find someone.

[JSP]

I am 25 and due to my mental health, I lost about 10 years of my life from the time I was 14. I didn't even start to climb out of that hole until I was 23. I was taking smaller steps initially and have been making much larger ones now, but one area where I can't seem to make any progress is finding a romantic partner.

In my 10 years of solitude, I feel I essentially missed out on developing the skills necessary to navigate the dating world, communicate my value, and be flexible while maintaining my values. To be charming and interesting. To be intellectual, but physical. Now, I am 25 and so touch and affection-starved that I can't take the pain of loneliness anymore. Going out into the world, to the beach, bars, etc, and seeing everyone there with their partners is excruciating.

My friend told me yesterday about a girl he hooked up with and I had chest pain for 4 hours afterwards because I can't even fathom how people accomplish that. I literally do not know, cannot imagine, the combination of words and actions that would lead to that. A hookup is not even what I'm looking for, but it would be something.

I am either on, or have tried just about every dating app out there, and on the rare occasion that I get a match, it hasn't gone past 5 messages (hence I don't know how to communicate my value). I try meetups and singles groups, but there seems to be so few people my age, and I can't stop myself from thinking it is because they are normal and don't need them whereas I unfortunately do.

I feel so unlike the bulk of my generation. I don't know where my people are. I'm getting really tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hey JSP,

Thanks for sharing whats happening for you. It takes alot of courage to reach out so we're really glad you have. Finding someone we connect with, let alone finding a long term partner is often one of the hardest things that many of us struggle with at times throughout our lives. Loneliness is also one of the worst feelings and is a really common issue, but know that you are certainly not alone in this.
 
We encourage you to continue to share whats happening for you here.

Some of what you have mentioned makes us concerned about your safety and well being, so we have sent a private message to you also. Please check your inbox.

If you feel unsafe or wish to act act on thoughts of self harm or ending your life, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.
 
 
 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

There is a lot of people that grow up without the guidance on various topics. For example- having a child. Many prospective parents think having a child, the journey of pregnancy and raising them is automatic, that there is no need for research- wrong!.

So communicating effectively with the opposite sex to appear desirable isnt such an automatic task. It is hard for many.

I began that difficulty at 14yo as I went to a boys high school. So at 17yo when I joined the Air Force, I was green with all that. The defence force was a positive influence as I'd listen to the guys every night talk about techniques, what to say what not to say, how to locate a girl that is suitable and thats before internet.

I've noticed you have tried lots of apps. Can I suggest that you continue this process on the basis that the compatibility scale is far reduced when it comes to meeting someone. You are actually saving a lot of time searching for a match. Without that process you are merely looking for someone in social circles like sports, hobbies etc and once those groups are covered you are left with nothing.

One area that I find disappointing with people is they lack asking the other person questions. People like others to take an interest and receive praise. Instead some people just centre on themselves and that is frankly boring to many people. Just a hint there.

So it only take sone really good match and you might have met your dream partner. Keep going.

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi Js,

I think Tony's advice is good

I don't think it's because Ur not normal that Ur the youngest person at those places.

I think it's because ppl Ur age jn a lot of circles aren't looking for serious relationships

They are OK to go to a club or party and have casual sex...so wouldn't feel a need to try a singles event, even if they are single. They feel likely that they are surrounded by singles and it's easy to meet ppl, and they're right...it is easy to meet singles for casual hookups but it is actually really really hard to find in Ur twenties a serious partner.

To share my own experience, I was in a long term relationship then suddenly at 25 was single and had limited daring experience.

I went out, met people, went on dates, etc, nothing came of it. I could meet ppl easily but I couldn't find anyone I liked who wanted the same things as me.

I wish someone had reassured me that was normal.

I think Ur doing the right thing and Ur approach makes sense. Hope u can find someone

[Petal22]

Hi JSP,

Wellcome to our forums!

Congratulations for finding your way out of the hole….

You really will meet your person when the time is right for you 😊

Its ok that your single just keep being you……

I understand though we just want the time to hurry up so we can meet our partner but it seems like an eternity sometimes….. but I always thought….. I’d rather be with no one than being with the wrong one! This way when the right one comes along I’ll be ready and waiting because it will be the one for me……

It will be worth the wait 😊

[JSP]

There have been several responses to this post, so I thank you all for your thoughts, concerns, and advice.

The first point I want to address is the "be with no one rather than a wrong one" As much as I would prefer it, this world is not part of a fairy tale. The first person I date after 11 years of trauma and loneliness is almost definitely not going to be the one. I have an idea for who I want and who might want me, but I have no experience, so I need to start dating one way or another until I figure that out. The fact that I opened myself back up to relationships 6 months ago and have yet to get even close to a date upsets me.

Then the idea of continuing with the apps. I probably will out of desperation, but I do not enjoy one second of it. I have used them on and off for 6 months and made it past 1 message twice. The majority of them aren't looking for insightful questions, or genuine interest, they are looking for "adventures" "banter" and Instagram followers. There are absolutely women on there who I think would be fantastic, but there will be at least 1000 other guys ahead of me in line. I think I am decent from a superficial, looks pov (people constantly say I am pretty, but you know.. friends and family are biased), but there are countless other guys who have more of the superficial features and on a dating app, it doesn't matter if I might be better personality-wise; they will get picked. I can't even stop actively using them and just let my account sit there because the apps will then stop showing my profile to people.

If I had support from friends (which is a whole other issue) this would be much easier, but I don't really so I'm just left in an eternal struggle.

[white knight]

Hi

I tend to disagree about one thing- giving up. While that might seem a natural way to go it isnt in my nature to ever give up.

There is indeed a potential partner in those dating apps and while it is enduring and annoying you must continue and be more positive. Yes, there is many ahead of your ideal profile person but you make sure you are the one that the person responds to- because you are more their type.

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Jsp, I was a little like urself with limited experience at 25.

I wanted to learn , but did so in all the wrong ways. Ppl took advantage of my inanitie.

I'd advise u to take dating ery lightly...there's a huge difference between a date or casual dating and a committed relationship.

Dates can be bad awful fun and pointless and everything in etween and it's OK.....