20s, going on 12 (A rant)

[Metal_Jellyfish]

I've finally restarted my life this year and gotten some semblance of a social life back. I've made my first new friends from campus, and up until now things were looking great. I was even asked by a friend to pet-sit for the first time ever a few weeks back. I only just told my parent this evening, to make her aware of what was actually happening.

But I guess even pet-sitting for a weekend is one of life's biggest taboos.

My social life pretty much withered into dust after my uni graduation. In the past year and a half, I've only gotten to see my interstate friends once in person. A lot of our convos have since been stagnating (because life gets in the way). All of my friends back interstate moved onto bigger and better things, without needing permission from their authority figures to have the most basic experiences a young person would have. Even the ones who still lived at home.

I couldn't even be trusted to live on my own for a few weeks as an adult while my parent went overseas - I was practically babysat with younger relatives and had to half-beg for permission to go anywhere, especially back to my parent's house.

Living a year solo during uni in '23 was the best damned year I had as a fledgling adult. I had the freedom to cultivate all my friendships at will, build and strengthen my social life, and have any and every new experience I needed to, without having to live in the shadow of someone else's life. I was happy and I felt human, like my life was genuinely my own. I could forget about the fact that my parent, along with my culture, is so family-oriented, conformist and insular; that even in your 20s you'll be seen as a helpless toddler, with teenage rebellion following two decades later. If you're lucky.

I had a whole year to have the life a normal young person would have - visiting friends, staying up late to study/spend time together, going meet-up events at any time of the week, being able to just do necessary things on short notice - without feeling like I was a porcelain doll tied to a leash. 

I'd give anything to afford to move out and have that freedom back again. To feel like I can function the way everyone else does, and to have a normal effing social life. 

[therising]

Hi Metal_Jellyfish

Parents can be such a mix of things such as their beliefs or traditions they hold onto (carried over from generations before them), their fears, their dreams and hopes for the future and the list goes on. How that all works into the life of their child or children can definitely create challenges. I should add that if you were to ask my 20yo son and 23yo daughter what their mother's like (me), they'd most likely say 'She's good value but she can be incredibly frustrating to work with at times' and they would not be wrong😁.

While there's the idea that 'parents raise kids', I've found through my own experience that it's not all that simple. While we can raise them or bring them up through certain means such as a safe house to live in, food for physical energy, an education for the brain and so on, the question comes down to 'How do we raise the consciousness and the spirits of our child or children in more soulful or life fulfilling ways?'. Is it through leading them to experience and feel natural highs (joy, excitement, inspiration etc), leading them to face challenges that will raise their consciousness, level of ability and self esteem? As a parent, I've found it's largely been about opening my mind to allow my kids to raise me at the same time. While parents may say 'Raising kids is hard work', from the perspective of those kids it would be fair to say that raising a parent feels near impossible when it comes to the ways they need to be raised (made more conscious and inspired). Btw, I like to consider life on 3 levels: 1)High, 2)Grounded and 3)in a depression or below ground. Nothing wrong with being grounded occasionally out of destructive highs or being 'brought back down to earth'. We still have to experience being raised though.

Again, from my own experience, I think a lot of parents like to feel what's easier. They'll love a break from any form of hardship where ever they can get it😊. It's easy to feel your child as being safe than it is to feel the fear behind imagining they're not safe. It's easy to feel your child not facing a challenge than it is to feel them facing the stress of a challenge. It's easier to feel yourself not being questioned and challenged than it is to feel the confrontation that comes with your child questioning and challenging you. The list goes on when it comes to how parents tend to favour the easier emotions, the ones they prefer to feel. The thing is...if we stop our kids from doing the things we fear them doing, they don't develop. If we stop them from experiencing challenge, they don't develop. And if we stop them from questioning us (aka 'Don't question me, just do as you're told), we don't develop as parents. If we flat out refuse to become more conscious and flat out refuse to offer valid reasons, as parents we commit to a lack of consciousness and a lack of being reason-able. Trying to raise a parent can be seriously hard work at times, that's for sure. I feel your frustration.

[Daydreamer70]

Hi there, 

Thank you for writing in. I truely do hear your frustration and it sounds to me like you are feeling quite trapped. Growing up I often felt how you have described and used to feel so envious of my friends who had that freedom I craved so deeply. It is so difficult, and for me, although I love my family I used to feel very suffocated.

In your case, how realistic/unrealistic is it for you to move out, either alone or with housemates? It seems you found the year when you were living alone to be a very freeing and positive experience. Could that be a possible goal for you to set up for yourself within the near future? You seem like you are ready and capable, having done it for a year previously. This It may even strengthen the relationship you have with your family, where some distance gives you the ability to appreciate them more. I cannot speak on your experience, but from my understanding many people who move out of home feel like the relationship with family improved massively once they moved out of home fully...perhaps something to consider for yourself if it is attainable, does not have to be right away, but at least knowing it is something you are working towards might make you feel more optimistic, and that your current conditions are only temporary. I also know things are expensive and tough at the moment, I think a lot of people are staying with parents or even moving back home purely because of affordability reasons. Its difficult being young and financially stable in todays economic climate, I think a lot of people are struggling in that sense. 

I hope my response helped or at least had made you feel a bit more understood! Here to listen if you want to discuss further. 

Kind regards, 

Daydreamer.