19, struggling with weight, derpression and anxiety.

[Jack1999]

Ever since I was born I've been a big kid to say the least, and as years went by all the way up until I'm 19 now it's only gotten worse. People don't understand what I'm going through and why I'm the way I am, and it bothers me. I feel people's eyes staring at me when I'm out, and that only plays on my mind about what their thinking to themselves. As of right now I have sleep apnea, purely hereditary and extremely rare to have at my age. Having sleep apnea at my age severely cripples my metabolism to the point of it being almost non existent and hence why I'm big, I can practically smell food and put on weight. I use to be pretty confident in myself and tried to deal with my demons straight on but since turning 18 and recently turning 19 I've realised how much I want to be in a relationship. And I've tried and I've tried and I've tried, too many times to count, I've had crushes, my first big crush was in year 7 and she blew me off pretty badly to say the least. So I've been pretty quiet about who I've liked from then on. Having this burning desire to be with someone has been really messing with me lately, I've tried tinder and all that and going out to social events, it usually always ends up the same with me going home and thats it. I'm not even in it for the sex, you could completely eliminate that from the relationship and I would still be in it, since I've been dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety lately I just want someone who I can completely and unbearingly be open to and for them to be the same (not like a psychologist like an actual relationship openness) , but for me, it feels like that's never going to happen because people don't want to look past the outside, and that really pisses me off. I know I can be a great boyfriend and I know that I'm definitely ready for a relationship, but finding someone that looks passed the outside is like a needle in a haystack, and right now that haystack looks ginormous. I feel like I'm rambling now but I needed to get this off my chest because it's eating me from the inside out, hopefully you guys can give me some pointers and things to deal with it all.

[PamelaR]

Hi Jack

Life sounds very difficult for you. You're not rambling by the way. It's so good you've found your way to Beyond Blue forums. So welcome.

Do you mind if I ask you a question here and there? Just helps with our conversation. There's no pressure for you respond if you don't want to.

Being 19 can be a hard time in life. Everything is changing around you. Do you work? Or have you gone on to further education?

Having a relationship at your age is very important, I understand that. So I see a number of things you could start to think about, there are other ways to meet people in an attempt to find a lasting relationship. E.g. joining groups or clubs that you interest you. It could be a hobby (darts, chess, movies, book reading club), sport, environmental issues, social issues. It is also a way to make friends. Have you tried any of these avenues?

Just a couple of other things, talking to someone about how you're feeling is a good way to go. Do you have a family member or a close trusted friend you can talk to? Do you see a doctor or therapist regularly about your depression? It might be useful to do this if you're not already.

Look forward to hearing from you.

I'm sure there are lots of other posters out there who will have some wise words and ideas to give you too.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[kanga_brumby]

G'day Jack another welcome to beyond blue forums. Thanks for your post very enlightening. I am also a plus size bloke with sleep apnea. So I know the effects of both on the body add years of hard work to that giving me arithious in both knees. Like yourself I struggled for years to find a partner. All were taken or not interested. Often getting told Plenty of other fish in the sea. Right so why is it I can only get the ones John West reject. But seriously I kept on trying to find someone here and there. Found one lost contact, both of us loosing the others phone numbers. But both knowing people the other knew, without the other knowing. Eventually a chance meeting, at a meeting I hat to attend there we were together again. One year later we had a child, three years two. Six years I am alone again with the children because she got cancer and died that was 2004. I would not change a thing except for her getting cancer. The point of my story ( ramble) your still young give it more time You will find someone. Steele down and have great kids. It will happen in time. I know Sooner or later I will find someone again.

Peter

[Jack1999]

Hey PamelaR, in regards to working or studying higher education, I did recently try out uni but due to how tired i am from sleep apnea i had to drop out, its been consistently difficult for me to find a suitable job too seeing as my health problems get in the way quite a bit. I am still quite social though, both over the internet and out in public, i try to avoid my anxiety and go out clubbing with my friends and also just normal other stuff people my age do, also in response to having someone close to me to talk to i do, i have some really close friends and my family is usually pretty good, but i can never fully let out everything to them like i feel like i would be able to with a partner. I have seen a few psychologists in my time and i am about to start seeing another after a short break from them recently, all in all im just struggling with things, i feel like im always one step forwards and two steps back. For me personally i can tell that if i knew someone was going to be there for me (relationship wise) i would actively try to improve myself in every way. But the feeling of that never happening has me in a bit of a hole.

[PamelaR]

Hi Jack

Thank you for responding to my questions. Lack of sleep can impact on many things, including anxiety and depression.

Have you talked with your doctor about what you can do for the sleep apnoea? I believe there is something you can get to help this.

Being 19, you are only at the start of your life. You've a long way to go. You'll find others on here who have taken time in meeting someone. It doesn't happen just like that. It takes time, effort, patience and understanding. I was 28 before I met my hubby. Before that, I had met a few people I was interested in but who weren't interested in me. Hubby and I have been together now for over 30 years. We met through a mutual friend, and found we had similar interests in music, politics, the environment, dancing. It grew from there.

I have PTSD, anxiety and depression that became apparent 7-8 years ago. Went into a very deep hole and pulled myself out. During that time, it felt just like you said - one step forwards and two steps backwards. I said this way for a few years. Now I take 5 steps forward and 1 step backwards. I've progressed and I continue to progress.

So I'm this can happen for you too if you are gentle, kind and look after yourself.

Hopefully others will post on your thread to relate their experiences.

Kind regards

PamelaR