Ugly

[Mokoloko]

Hello, this is my first time sharing on this forum. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression in March of this year. Prior to this diagnosis, I thought of myself as a very strong woman, both physically and mentally. Being indigenous of New Zealand, the woman carry themselves with so much strength and considered the back bone to there family and community. I worked for an organisation for 10.6 years in the community sector, working with young people in care.. I loved my job so much. In Oct of 2019, we had a new House manager that started with us. Cut a long story short, from Oct 2019 to March 2021, I was subjected to work place bullying. For the 10+ years working with young people of complex behaviour and high needs, I coped with the constant verbal abuse and the behaviours, because I loved what I did and built a great rapport with all young people I worked with. Our new house manager, I felt, broke me in every way through her work place bullying, not just me, other workers and our clients. As a Maori woman, who are bought up to be strong, I felt weak at the hands of this woman. I worked with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts from my clients. I had empathy for there mental state of mind. I thought I had some understanding of what they were going through, and I did,until I ended up in a similar situation to them. I have sought help through my GP, who I have a close relationship with, I was on work cover for 3 months, my organisation cancelled that and througout this, I finally resigned from my job. I started drinking alot, even went back on having a joint once and a while, so I can sleep. I have lost a lot of weight during this time. Wearing my 11 year old grandaughters clothes and finding it very difficult putting weight back on. I understand I need to eat for me to put weight on, I feel like a n unintentional anorexic. I also have social anxiety, I will only leave home if necessary and I was a very socially person. I have had suicidal thoughts as I hate how I'm feeling. I have a house full of people living with me, but still feel lonely, I have next to no confidance anymore, believing I am ugly. I no longer have access to a psychologis, due to being cut off from work cover and I can't afford one. I am now on centrelink payments, which has taken from me my self worth. I feel so exhausted from all these ugly feelings and I'm so tired of feeling tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mokoloko, 

This sounds incredibly difficult, we are so sorry to hear how things have been going.   It sounds like you've been through some incredibly difficult times, and we can imagine how hard this must be for you.

It sounds like it could be a really good idea to return to the doctors and find out about new options for mental health support. It’s really good that you have a good relationship with the GP.  

We want to really strongly encourage you to call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat, to discuss this. It is important you are not alone with these suicidal thoughts, and that you have support in dealing with the impacts of workplace bullying and abuse. Our counsellors will be able to discuss how you can get help with this, and work through what you’re feeling in the moment.  

If you’d find it helpful to create a safety plan you may wish to check out our Beyond Now suicide safety planning app. Feel free to read about how it works and where to download it here. If you feel up to it, you can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone. If you find yourself in a situation where you are an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000. 

We’d recommend making contact with the Butterfly Foundation on 1800 33 4673 to discuss these challenges around weight loss and eating, as this sounds really difficult. For advice on your relationship with alcohol, you could use the National Alcohol and Other Drugs Hotline on 1800 250 015. This service is free and offers confidential advice about alcohol and other drugs, offers support, information, counselling and referral to services. 

We hope you can recognise the strength and resilience you have shown in sharing this here. It sounds like an exhausting few years, and we hope you can see what you've shared today as the first step towards feeling better. You are not you’re lowest moments, and you should not have to deal with this alone. We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you are deserving of kindness and support. This community is here for you, whenever you want to share. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Petal22]

Hello Mokoloko,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, it must be difficult for you..

I understand anxiety I suffered severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered thanks to health professionals.

Im sorry you were bullied that would have been horrible for you…..

I understand you are Maori and I know the Maori people are such beautiful, loving, kind hearted people…

I understand with anxiety it usually comes with not being able to eat very well due to so much going on in your mind…….. I also understand suicidal thoughts usually accompany anxiety….. You aren’t your thoughts you are the watcher of your thoughts…….

Have you thought about doing a mental health plan with your gp? This then will enable you to see a psychologist the first 10 sessions are usually free…….. I highly recommend you see your gp and let them know how you are feeling…

My gp put me on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety…. As well as seeing a clinical phycologist, psychiatrist and I did a 8 week group therapy for my OCD……. I’m now recovered there is HOPE you can too with the correct help…….

Anxiety also makes us feel exhausted, I understand………

Please know the lady that bullied you was showing you HER reflection it’s not you……

“ No one outside our selves can rule us inwardly “.

“ When we know this we become free”

Here to chat to you 😊

[Miz]

Hi Mokoloko,

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way - it sounds truly distressing what you've been going through. I'm sorry you experienced workplace bullying, no one ever deserves that and often it has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with how the other person feels about themselves. I can see that you are a strong woman and have struggled with the way this person made you feel. I want you to remember that mental illness is not a sign of weakness or loss of strength, it's just something that most people experience in their lifetime and often it can make you stronger and more resilient. I know it's hard but it's important to look after yourself, even if you don't want to. Eating a little bit everyday will also help you mentally feel better, even if you're struggling with the task. Sometimes a good way to think of it is fighting your battle so you can show your bullys that you are strong and can bounce back from anything - but remember to be kind to yourself and look after your physical health. We need nutrition so we can fight our mental battles 🙂

Always happy to talk, stay strong warrior!

Miz