Hi Isy1
I feel so deeply for you as you question your way through chronic depression. It can feel like a form of torture when you're left with more questions than answers when it comes to such a process. I hope the answers here will make some difference to you.
For me, it was group therapy that worked. Having lived with depression for around 15 years, finally entering into group therapy proved mind altering and life changing in many ways. Finding people who could relate was a relief. To be with others who really felt the impact of depression on so many levels was what led me to feel 'normal' for the first time in a long time. Being given the freedom to express how horrible life could feel was liberating, as in 'normal' society you can't typically express yourself this way without people kind of shutting you down. You know, it's a bit like 'Oh, don't talk like that' or 'You'll be right, you just need to get on with life'.
The other thing group therapy did was trigger a realisation. While all of us in the group were encouraged to offer traits we possessed, which the facilitator of the group added to a whiteboard, I can recall looking at that list when my revelation hit. I can recall thinking 'These are not my traits, they're the traits of depression. If these are the traits of depression and they are not mine, then who am I without them?' You know what, I had absolutely no idea. In that moment, I had no idea who I truly was. It was like my whole reality shifted. Up until then I had a solid identity or so I thought. Up until then I believed I was angry, sad, unmotivated, a control/management freak, difficult, unsociable, unreasonable, a regularly swinging pendulum of challenging emotions and the list goes on and on and on.
I'll take that list and put a bit of a spin on it. If we're sensitive people, real 'feelers' in life, we'll feel or sense at deeper levels than most. Do you feel extreme intolerance (anger) more easily than most? Do you feel a sense of grief more easily than most? Do you feel a lack of motive more easily than most, when it comes to motivation? Do you feel the overwhelming need to manage more than most, even to the point of micromanaging every thought that comes to mind? What about the difficulty that comes with certain challenges, including the vibes of others in social situations? Can you sense a lack of reasoning from others? Do your emotions swing because others swing them and you feel the swing?
Are you a deeply feeling person?
