Trying to reach out

[PeteD]

Without naming every incident, I have struggled with depress/anxiety for the best part of 15 years although I have managed to lead a pretty good life but I have had periods where I just crash and it can take weeks to months to recover

The reason for reaching the point now is that I’ve tried doctors, counselling & talking over the years and no matter what happens I end back here in the same spot feeling lonely, just lacking motivation or drive to get me out of my doldrums and do my normal life responsibilities, I just feel like if I walk away and start again we’d all be better off.

In the last 20 odd years I have gone thru a divorce and all the challenges that come with custody, my current partners battle with Cervical cancer, fibromyalgia and lymphoma, my Eldest sons trouble with authorities that eventually end with him in Jail last year and his drug addictions. My youngest has severe anxiety which she is medicated and counselled for, my brother was killed by his Mate 7 yrs ago and the 2 yrs of court that followed that, another brother’s son was murdered 2 yrs ago so that was traumatic and only brought up old feelings of our brothers killing as well as dealing with the loss of our nephew. Then 12 mths ago we made the move to the country from Melbourne and away from our families hoping the better climate and happier community would help my partners health and my daughters anxiety. All this whilst I have held a job working long hours on rotating rosters.

So why now ? My partners health is worse than ever. I myself had a minor illness at the start of the week and the doctor thought I should have a few days off. Normally I would just go back to work, but having been feeling crap lately I thought a few days off would pep me up. The minute I have time off it’s like my partner says I’m too sick you can do it. I get up to organise school and the anxiety just got me. No food in the cupboard for lunch which meant going to the shops, couldn’t find sports shoes, my daughter refusing to get ready for school and knowing we were running late it was just so unorganised and I stressed out throwing things, yelling and slamming doors. I know that is wrong so this is why I reaching out. All the move to the country hasn’t been all kittens and fairy floss and now I’m feeling trapped and really just want to get out. I don’t know how to deal with this crap anymore. I feel I can’t work 14 hrs a day getting up at 130am and then come home and run a house.

im knackered again

[white knight]

Hi Pete, welcome

I hope I can help. One word that comes to mind is "burnout" but with mental illness involved it is much more than that and I would like you to see it clearly- it is much more.

I'm 62yo and retired at 57yo many years before I wanted to. Bipolar2, depression, anxiety, dysthymia. Add to that shift work for many years in security and PI work. It all became too much and after two psychotic events- doctor said- "no more". I was lucky enough to get the DSP. My wife also has depression.

Time for change Pete.

• Find work that doesn't involve long hours or shift work. Even better two part time jobs.
• Fill your spare time with a hobby or sport. Dig deep, there will be activities that you will enjoy.
• With your wife there should be - her time alone, your time alone and time together.
• Acknowledge that your daughter will, in a few short years, mature and even move on with her own life. If she refuses to do things - that's teenagers, try not to stress, remove yourself from the situation for at least 30 minutes and regroup.
• Look after your partner

Read various threads here that you will benefit from (just the first page) google

Topic: triggers that down you triggers that lift you- beyondblue

Topic: depression, the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: advice please, my bucket is full- beyondblue

Topic: can back to basics help you?- beyondblue

Topic: relationship strife? the peace pipe- beyondblue

Topic: 3 things, happy marriage, hobbies and spirit- beyondblue

Topic: men isolated- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

I'd also visit your GP with your wife. Explain the situation. You could suggest to apply for the disability pension. Attend Centrelink and ask what help they can provide.

We are very supportive here. We have been there. There are many more threads you can find here. Go to "All posts" at the top and search through "depression" or "staying well".

These occurrences you have endured are part normal part intolerable considering your illness. Shift work is the priority to leave IMO. It does no good for your moods and it can damage relationships far more than what is apparent. That isn't living. Thanks for being here.

Tony WK

[PeteD]

Thanks for the welcome. I will endeavour to read those links.

There is a couple of things there that I struggle to to terms with.

Time alone and together.

In our situation her illness is so debilitating that we can never plan anything. We can be all fine and on our way to doing a family thing or on the rare occasion something together and she will have a turn and that’s it ! All over. We can go weeks without interaction with each other. I work all day come home to her asleep on the couch or in bed. I prepare dinner, she won’t eat, then I have to go to bed and she gets up til I go to work. I have a day off like today and she has slept all day. I drive a truck long distances and apart from the odd short interaction with people I’m alone with my thoughts all day, come home and try to get conversation out of a teenager and go to bed. When I have My time off she suggests I go alone coz she’s not up to it but I don’t want to be alone all the time.

Secondly I would love to give up my job. A mortgage, school fees & living etc just makes that step really hard to make but believe me I have and still do want to head down that path but just don’t want to add more stress to an already stressful life.

i love my sport and would love to get back to that environment but feel obligated to be here in case I’m needed. I already feel bad working long hours I couldn’t imagine taking more time away. But I will continue to consider it.

[white knight]

Hi Pete,

"Considering it" is a good start, then we can dream and plan even if it takes a few years.

With shift work, long hours etc your greatest need is a teamwork environment in the home, support, doing things together and harmony ...relative happiness.

I was married 11 years to my ex wife. We had two kids. We dreamed initially of the ideal life, home in the country, kids, she stay at home mum, me working. So we tried. The problems were that we needed a mortgage that required me to work 3 jobs ...security 12 hour shifts over 4 days two night shift midnight to noon then two afternoons noon to midnight then 4 days off. The first day off I needed sleep so that left 3. I worked building and selling cubby houses. I also mowed lawns. My real issue was my then wife's laziness. It was I that changed our kids nappies more than her. It was me that cooked the meals. She would sleep till 2pm some days.So it was I that took our kids to school and I that cooked out meals. One mate said to me..."then what does she do"?

I found out that people were ringing when I wasn't home (pre mobile phone days) and wanting to order a cubby. She'd say "that's my husbands business, ring back later." You get the picture.

This attitude isn't good, in fact it meant our marriage was terminal. I left and built my own home 30 minutes away. Toiled for 12 months. Then she wrote to child support to ask for more money because "he has a new house and I have an old one".

So, your marriage needs attention and a shake up. I'd suggest you ring relationship Australia 02 6162 9300.

What is important is you knowing right from wrong behavior in her. When your spouse is lazy or doing inappropriate things like not pulling her weight then action should be considered. The benefit of the doubt is correct initially because she might have an illness that can cause issues like depression can seem to be laziness. Get that checked by medical staff. But I'd say that you might need to overhaul your life and chase those dreams, the ones that have your life in order, relaxed, happy and with company.

I remarried. In fact I married my kids auntie by marriage. So they had her as their favourite auntie and now step mum. Plan your life.. If a marriage isn't working out then ultimatums can be made. Mortgage can be rectified by moving out, selling, renting cheaply elsewhere so you can get a local driving job.

You cant keep going the way you are Pete. We have a phrase here- "be gentle with yourself".

Tony WK