I’m tired of failing

[Jane21]

I am a 25 year old and I have no career. I had to leave numerous jobs due to health issues. I have suffered from PTSD, depression and anxiety ever since my fathers suicide when I was 10. I have been in and out of Psychologists offices ever since 13 years old. 3 years ago I broke my back which took 8 months to heal and resulted in a herniated disc causing nerve damage in my L5 nerve. This pain has been with me since the injury, the pain is like lava in my veins running down my leg, it keeps me awake at night and badly interferes with me everyday routine. Drugs don’t work for the pain, yoga sometimes works and it is hard to keeo fit due to inactivity. My biggest concern though is finding a job. I don’t want to go on disability, I’m not even sure I would qualify. I want to work. I want a normal life, it’s what I’ve always wanted.

3 months ago I got a job as a secretary but the employer who was nice enough turned out to be difficult to work for. I was so stressed out that out of the 5 months I was there I spent 1 month sick with Viruses. I left due to sickness and stress. I felt a failure. It’s destroyed my confidence. I’m scared for my future. I feel a failure to myself and a failure to my loving husband who works so hard to support the both of us. I am so sick of looking for work, it seems that it’s all I do. I would love to stay in a job for as long as possible like other people do but something always seems to go wrong. Even if I find a job I can’t work more than 20 hours due to my back.

I don’t like being this person. I can feel my depression sinking in, I get constant panic attacks and am scared of the negative thoughts that enter my mind. I try to stay positive with yoga and exercise but I am just so tired of fighting to be happy. I feel such a burden to my family. I feel like my once positive attitude that I worked so hard to get is fading away. I feel like I’ll never get a job despite, applying daily and studying to better my skills. I feel like a big failure. I just want a job that lasts more than a year. I want my happiness back. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so tired.

[Quercus]

Hi Jane and welcome to the forums,

I feel like I can relate in some ways to your post even with a different situation (Stay at home mum, managing autoimmune arthritis and depression). I spent a very long time feeling useless and worthless.

Some of that was part of managing pain and depression but a significant part was lack of purpose and feeling like I contributed nothing to my family. My self esteem needs a lot of work.

Working is fabulous but can be so hard to manage with kids without adding enough stress that I fall apart again. So like you I joined here. And discovered that the idea of volunteering is changing. I always thought if I struggle to make employment work with childcare then volunteer work would be the same.

But then someone here mentioned blueVoices. It's a reference group of people with a lived experience of mental illness. And many of the activities are online when it suits you. And I volunteer here on the forums too to welcome others. I hope I'm not sounding like a sales pitch because that's not what this is about.

It's about seeing you DO have skills to offer. You're not useless and you're definately not a failure. I don't just mean volunteer work either. Employment options from home. Data entry. Transcription. Technical reports. It is worth investigating.

Personally I chose to volunteer here because of crappy experiences in my government job. A lack of understanding and patience regarding mental health issues. I figure at least here people understand! And it has been good for my sense of purpose and self esteem as well as for my depression.

Enough about me.

What are you doing to manage the feelings you're having and panic attacks? Have you been able to speak to your GP? It is a very good idea to book a long appointment and discuss these feelings. And from my experience... If they just blame it on chronic pain find another doctor and keep demanding help until they listen.

It is hard when pain is a factor because many people brush aside your mental health saying it is to be expected if you're in constant pain. That is not acceptable. You deserve to be listened to and to have a mangement plan in place.

Anyway I have waffled. This topic is close to home and I care a lot. I really hope you keep writing. There is a lot of support and understanding here on offer in the forums.

Nat

[quirkywords]

Hi Jane,

I too want to welcome you to the forums. Thanks for being so honest and sharing your story with other. I am sure this will help others reading as I know many people suffer from chronic pain.

at has give helpful advice in a very caring way so I won't repeat what she said.

Firstly I would like you to remove the word failure form your vocabulary as I have done from mine.

You have tried things that have not worked, you have done things that didn't suit you, you have tried to cope with a lot while experiencing excruciating pain. That shows me someone with determination and patience and courage.

I can see it must be so frustrating for you. You write well so if you can get some work that involved writing or editing would that be suitable. Please look at everything you have achieved despite of your chronic pain.

Please post here when you want to.

Quirky

I am more than twice your age and I have never had a career. I had jobs but not a career. In my late 40s I finally found being my own boss running my own shop suited me. It is not a career but I love it.

[kanga_brumby]

Here is another to say hi and welcome Jane both Nat and Quirky have given great advice. I will add if you wish you can try to get on to PSP with that you can go and work anything full-time part-time casual voluntary. In fact they encourage you to go back to work, and give incentive's to employers to hire you. If you want you can volunteer any where in beyond blue, a second hand shop, fire brigade museum ( there is one no one knows about near St vinnies Hospital Melbourne.)

Kanga