This is quite the awkward thing...

[Snapback_Catty]

Hi there,

Thanks for taking the time to read my thread. As the title says, this is quite an awkward thing - to open up like this. But here I am so here's a little about me. I'm married with two beautiful kids, who are doing wonderfully at life. We were all doing wonderfully. My partner and I both had professional, management jobs. in 2015 my job was beginning to get too much for me and I was having troubles with anxiety. I eventually resigned from my job and took some time out to complete a book I've been writing.

Fast forward three years. My book had been published and I've had some fantastic reviews in publications and amazing feedback, brilliant initial sales, but things have died down. I've had to attempt to return to the medical professional work I was doing previously to make a living to help support my family, but the anxiety comes back worse than ever in the high-paced work I do. I can not handle it at all and I've struggled through three short term contracts, the last ending with me resigning prematurely.

I tried then to take up a much easier job in a different field, but struggled just as badly here as well.

I am now just weeks away from losing my registration in the medical field I work in due to not being able to maintain the accreditation standards, we have sold our house to make life more affordable and have chewed through the money from the sale. I have sold my car, cancelled my life, health and contents insurance to make life more affordable, and am at the point where I'm seriously considering either walking out on my family who are otherwise thriving (and all the time being very supportive of me) to alleviate them of my situation, or, ending this dark spiral down a path that I cannot see leading to anything good.

I spoke to a phsychologist for a while and it simply did not work.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[geoff]

Hello Catty, please let me welcome you to the site and it is so difficult to post your first comment because you look at what you've written, then edit it and maybe delete it only wishing that you had sent it off.

I think that means you're wanting help and no it's not awkward at all.

Well done for completing your book and getting all the accolades, however, I'm really concerned about where you are situated in cancelling all the important structures in your life.

The psychologist you spoke to didn't click with you and that's what needs to happen otherwise it's a waste of time, but walking out from your family is only going to carry your problems with you and that's what you don't want.

Are you able to visit your doctor, because this is so important to once again help you, that's what we would really like.

There is a lot to cope with and I'd really like to hear back from you and can I say that this is a site where all of us have been through our own type of depression and talking about it has helped, immensely.

Geoff.

[Ggrand]

Hello SnapBack Catty,

I would also like to welcome you the forums,

Geoff has given you some really good suggestions,

My first psychiatrist was not one that I felt comfortable with and I was thinking as you are, and stopped councilling for a while, until I realised that I was going further down with my depression and anxiety, I went back to my gp and told her how I was feeling and that the Psych that I was seeing didn't really help or understand me...My gp done a meds update and referred me to a new psychologist and this time I felt comfortable with her and now I'm beginning to get hold of my anxiety, depression and life again..Please don't give up on yourself, you are important and your not well, Please continue to seek out help for yourself....Please believe me when I say, that your wellness is worth trying for again to see a psych..It's just so hard to get well without professionals to help and guide us..

I think just walking out on your family as Geoff says will only take your problems with you.

You said your family is very supportive, would it be possible for you to sit down with them and let you know how you are feeling and what your thoughts are, they might be able to help you through this rough phase your going through or they might go with you to the Gp or councilling if you decide to try again..Please I really hope you do..

Well done on the completion of your book, writing a book would have been a great distraction for you in keeping the negative thoughts and anxiety at bay while you were writing it..Now the book has finished, your form of distracting your depression has gone, Distraction is one of the main coping skills in my opinion to help us to get through our negatives.

I wish you luck, and hope you start healing soon, if you feel up to It would be nice to hear back from you.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Grandy.

[White_Rose]

Dear Snapback Catty

Hello and a warm welcome to the forum. I am sorry to learn you are in this hard place. Your situation sounds bad if you have sold your home. I presume your spouse does not earn enough to keep the family going.

Walking away is a huge step. I cannot see how that would change the situation except to cause your family pain. Neither would suicide help the family and would of course devastate them. The feeling that you are so unworthy and your family would be better off with out you is very common for those in similar situations to you. So what can you do.

Clearly a new job will not be appropriate at the moment. You need relief from your anxiety. I see you have already tried to talk to a psychologist without success. I expect you know about the GP mental health plan which gives you up to ten sessions with a psychologist. Medicare does not fund or provide benefits to psychologists other than these ten visits annually. Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist? I suggest you go back to your GP and discuss your options.

There are other counselling services such as Relationships Australia, Salvation Army and Anglicare. There may be other services available in your area. Have a chat with your GP. Generally they know what is available in their neighbourhood.

Congratulations on writing your book and having it well received. There are so many books competing for attention that earning a living from this is not certain.

Are you able to catch up on your accreditation requirements? I know the various accreditation bodies have quite strict requirements to retain their professional standing. It is hard if you cannot keep your accreditation.

Talking to others on this forum can be helpful. Everyone has their own story but we all struggle in some way or other. Posting here and seeing what others do and have learned can often help with the problems of others. So do not be wary of posting. This is a safe site and you are very welcome.

Mary

[Snapback_Catty]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for replying. Your concern about 'cancelling the important structures in my life' gave me chills. It is a dangerous issue - I know. Every now and then I breathe and don't worry about it. This is rare and is the only thing keeping me going at this point. I think, therefore, letting things be as they are seems to be nature taking it's course. It may seem naive, but fighting against gravity seems futile at this point. I'm letting it go, so to speak.

"Well done for completing your book..." Thank you. Writing this was me just going for it. 'If I may as well end it, I may as well go for it.' It worked for a while there.

You have me thinking about seeing a doctor again. I'm a medical professional myself and our business is one to two degrees of separation. It's something I need to consider carefully for several reasons.

I'm aware too, that leaving my family is taking my problems with me. In all respects, that is the point - to take my problems with me and make them mine alone.

Thanks again for your time, Geoff.

Catty

[Snapback_Catty]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for your reply. Your advice on re-visiting the idea of seeking professional help is something I am considering seriously. I am extremely cautious/resistant of prescription meds. When I'm doing well, my writing it epic and I carve ahead in a good way. It comes at a cost of course. If meds dull the +ve down as well as the bad, I fear I won't be able to keeping my writing spark alive.

My immediate family are aware of my situation. My partner takes a lot of the burden of our daily life and any form of alleviation to that burden is a good thing. There's a lot to weigh up here.

Catty

[Snapback_Catty]

Hi Mary,

"Clearly a new job will not be appropriate at the moment..." It was so nice hearing someone say this. It was relieving just hearing that - thank you.

Thank you for you time, also. Selling the house was a good thing in a way. It afforded us a fresh start. No, my partner does not earn enough to allow us to buy again. At least, not near where we live.

Some of the other counselling services you mentioned I have been googling today and will look into them as alternatives. Thank you for those suggestions.

Catty

[White_Rose]

Hello Catty

I am happy you have found my post helpful. I hope I can help more.

I put up Relationships Australia etc as options but it seems to me you need more skilled help. Does this sound contradictory? It seems to me your anxiety is very deep-seated and impacts in a huge way on your everyday life. This is one of the reasons I suggested you talk to your GP about a referral. I go to a psychiatrist once a week. Initially it was fortnightly but my GP left her practice and I was devastated as she had looked after me for 15 years or more. However I have remained on a weekly visit with the psychiatrist as other matters pop up.

For me, as my trust has increased I have been able to talk about more and look at the impact of those events on my life. Not the most wonderful part of my week but I am starting to see why I am as I am. I have been convinced for many years that I am a waste of space but lately I am beginning to challenge that. Much of this has been fostered by the psychiatrist even though it has taken a while to realise it.

I have sat in her office and cried, laughed, sworn, lost my temper, told her she is wrong about me and probably other delightful mannerisms too embarrassing to write. But, and here is the big but, I am realising how I contribute to my own feelings of distress by my expectations of her. I want to be told the answers while she wants me to find my own answers. Yes it means I have to work on myself and not expect her to have a magic want. How lovely would that be? It seems to me that I must be serious about getting well and not allow myself to give up. And I hate it.

Yes I did say hate it. If I am going to be depressed then I want someone to take the responsibility of making me well. It just does not work like that. I believe I have noticed some similarities between you and me in this regard. Telling the family we cannot help being as we are and expecting them to do the support stuff is a little one-sided. My daughters are more than capable of saying nice things to me and they do help me over the hard bits. They also expect me to take care of myself as much as possible which goes down in the spiral of no one cares etc.

Do you feel like that? Love to hear your thoughts.

Mary