This is new.... I am feeling trapped in my marriage, and in a life I feel I have little control over

[Audreyramble]

Firstly, I am new to this online support forum thing, but I thought it was worth trying as I dont really feel I can talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt, for feeling the way that I do, and am petrified that if I do tell anyone that they will tell me to 'get over it' or that I am being pathetic.

I am a mother of three beautiful young children, who I absolutely adore, but I feel like I no longer have any confidence and that I have completely lost my identity. I used to have a career, friends, and now I feel like I am just a wife and mother and that I do not have the right to have wants or needs as that would be being selfish.

Whilst I respect my husband, I am not happy, and I do not think I am in love with him, and if I am honest, I am not sure I ever was. Part of me resents him, he can walk away at any time, but I cant, I am trapped. I would never leave my children, but I am not sure I want to be in my marriage.

My husband has been living overseas for a while, and whilst it has been difficult, I feel like I have at least had a little bit of independence back. I find myself getting extremely upset when he returns and that my confidence just plummets because I realise I have very little control over the future.

I feel miserable, have no confidence and to be honest just dont know how to change it, I feel like I am completely incapable of connecting with people, and I dont think I have always been that way. I am sick of crying all the time whenever someone brings up future plans, as I know I dont want what is planned for me, but do not feel like I have any choice.

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

All relationships are unique. Some aren't equal with control over the other. Some relationships can survive fine when one controls much more than the other. But some won't.

The problem become apparent IMO when the submissive one loses a sense of identity, worth and any importance in family decisions. It isn't always the case but the dominant one can have narcissistic traits.

Regardless, what is more important in this situation is what you feel. You are trapped as you say and not in love. Three children compound the problems.

There is a number of avenues. Counselling, you can contact Relationships Australia

Fight for your right to near equality within the relationship. You shouldn't, in an ideal world, have to do this but you might have to try. This depends on- your personality and his willingness to sway from dominant to fair and equal....not likely.

Id encourage you to seek counselling. You will know if you can sit down and talk to him sensibly , firmly and directly without distractions. During such talk you need to tell him your lack of feelings etc.

To be fair to your husband you should IMO give him the opportunity to know how distance you feel. Years of a marriage can cause a shift in feelings one partner is unaware of. He might need a jolt.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Audrey, it is so difficult living in a marriage where your husband, in this ocassion, has been living overseas, simply because you're alone with your children, don't have any spouse support, and you don't know what he could get up to while overseas, whether he has someone else living with him or what else he could get up to, if I was in your position that's exactly how I would feel.
There is no future because you can't talk with him, but perhaps now you can make your own plans, whether he is included in these is up to you, but you're not happy and don't feel as though you love him, so do you have to stay in this position or can you and the kids go your own way and file for divorce, yes you can, and perhaps it's something that will suit him, to live overseas with his g/friend, and I have say this because it has to be on the cards.
Get your independence back, feel like a new lady again and start to enjoy your life with the kids, that's what I suggest. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi Audrey. I guess initially getting married/having kids etc, every woman wants the same sort of thing. However, we marry, have the kids then reality check, hubby or wife wants a 'career'. Either family/kids get put on hold, or other arrangements are made to accommodate that part. If the hubby's career opportunity becomes a reality, wife's role as father/mother, main source of support comes into it's own. Mum's tend to lose their identity as the role becomes almost like a life sentence/punishment for a crime they didn't commit. I totally understand where you're coming from. I was a solo mum with two kids. I adore my kids, but I wouldn't 'do it again' if my life depended on it. When is he due to return? I suggest when he comes back you let him know you resent being left to deal with everything. He needs to know he married you, therefore he has to start pulling his weight. Marriage is a two-way partnership. Love needs to be returned in order for it to stay. If you are giving all the love to him and there is nothing in return, resentment turns to intense dislike, which in turn leads to 'get out'. Geoff and Tony both made some valid points about whether your marriage is worth saving. Only you know how you feel and whether you want the marriage. If it was my choice, it would be a case of 'shape up or ship out - permanently'. If he does have someone else, is he worth fighting for?

Lynda

[Audreyramble]

Hi Lynda, thanks for responding. I feel better knowing I am not being completely unreasonable.

He is back now, arrived back on Christmas Eve, I think that is why I am feeling so miserable. We are supposed to go back with him in just over a week, and I really dont want to go, but with three young children, the youngest being 8 weeks old, I don't really feel like I have a choice.

I cant talk to him, I can not even look at him without feeling angry or upset. It was really tough on my own with the three girls, but we survived, we made it work most of the time. I feel like having him back is almost harder than being on my own.

To be honest, he has really not done anything wrong. His contract was up in June and I could have pushed for him to come back rather than taking an extension until the end of 2017, but it was a good opportunity for him, so I did not feel it was ok for me to say no. I feel like the problem is that I just dont 'love' him enough to follow him around the world, I want to have friends, feel connection with people, rather than constantly thinking about where next.

I worked out today that we have lived in 5 different houses over the last 12 months, and will have done 4 moves, I feel exhausted and like I have nothing left to give. I never said no to him doing this overseas thing as I was on maternity leave with my 2nd when we first went, and thought that if we were going to do it then the time was right. But the reality is I am not cut out to be an expat wife, I want to work, I want my independence, and I feel completely trapped when I am financially dependent on someone.... admittedly he does not make me feel like this, it is me!

I think I am looking for some form of 'diagnosis' so then I can figure out how to make it all better, but the reality is that I am the only one that can do that. I am also petrified of judgement if I do leave, our oldest child is only 5, and seriously if I think about it im not sure I ever really loved him, I married him because he adored me, and I felt safe... stupid I know.

[Audreyramble]

Hi Tony, you are very right. I should really sit down with him and talk about how I feel. But the problem is I am awful at communicating my emotions. I tend to avoid having the discussion because I get upset, and feel like I can not convey my message very well.

You are also right about the reasons as far as losing identity is concerned. I used to have a job with a reasonable level of responsibility, I used to earn a good salary, and now that I am completely financially dependent I feel trapped and worthless.

Im about to have to head back overseas with him, and I really dont want to go (this will be the 5th house we have lived at in 12 months, and the 4th move). I have told him, but to be honest there is very little he can do about it, his work is there until the end of 2017. If I thought things would be better if he moved back, I would stand up and say something, but as I cant hand on heart say that they will be I feel that it is unfair to ask him to give up something that is a good opportunity for him, I can not stand the thought of being resented.

He has done absolutely nothing wrong, I am the problem, and it makes me feel hideous that I am causing all these issues.

I did start seeing a counsellor, but she seemed to be more interested in my relationship with my children, which to be honest is fine, they are what keep me going. There is less than 2 weeks before we have to leave, I feel so powerless.