Confusion. Help for clarity

[BubnMe]

My son was born via emergency c-section. My partner told me, I had to do everything on my own. I did loads of washing, housework & I was not meant to lift anything heavier than my newborn. 3 days later I had a symptomatic seizure. I did too much. During my seizure, my partner rang his mother to tell her, that I had a fit. My in-law assumed, that I was not handling being a mother. I did suffer from post natal depression. But what I thought was support, as soon as I started to make my own decisions, in regards to raising my child, my partner & his family disapproved. I had to ask for permission. Permission to move my child into a toddler bed, even though my child broke his cot. Permission to put my child into child care. & apparently friends of my partner were ringing his mother to complain about videos I posted on social media, telling her to report me to children's services. I have never intentionally hurt my child. I do not neglect my child & I do not starve my child. Yes, sometimes, I yell, swear & curse. But I always tell my child how much I love him & I always encourage my child's growth & development. My mother & her partner both work to pay off their debts & support 3 children. Today, while my mother was working, I offered to do her chores. Knowing that my child was due for a nap, after completing my mothers chores & before eating a late lunch with my mother, I had planned to put my child down for a nap in his pram. My son refused to lay in his pram. I struggled. I felt rushed, frustrated, tired, and stressed. I yelled, I swore, and I cursed. "If you do not lay down and go to sleep, I will take that toy away!! For f**k sakes, lay down!!! Go to sleep" as I began to push the pram to help my child fall asleep. Due to my behaviour, someone called the police to make a complaint. When the police arrived, I admitted to the officer, yes, my behaviour was a bit out of line. I am a single mother, who has no support other than my mother, who I also support. All morning I had been helping my mother with her chores. I felt frustrated, because I knew my child was tired & I was struggling to get my child to sleep. I picked up my child out of the pram, told him, "love you", my child smiled at me, hugged me, and replied, "love you". The officer informed me, they had taken note of the incident, but no report had been filed. They said, that they knew what it is like to be a parent, I shook their hands & they let me be.

[Kazzl]

Hi BubnMe, welcome to the forum. You've had a scary experience and it must have been very upsetting, especially when you are no doubt exhausted and stressed - like all mums get sometimes.

I'm glad the police officers were understanding. They are very well trained and experienced in seeing and handling real abuse, so they know the difference and obviously saw your situation for what it is - a mum trying to do her best who had a moment of frustration.

The person who called the police probably thought they were doing the right thing, so try not to dwell on that.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can to take care of your bub - and everyone else! That's a tough job hun. Maybe it's time to think about what's most important to you and try not to do everything. Your little person is precious and needs you more than anyone else does. If you have to start cutting back on your help for others, or ask for help yourself, then do it. Because you and your bub deserve it.

And, how about some time for yourself? Time to rest, do something you enjoy, just some time out? Does that ever happen? I know it might sound impossible, but it shouldn't be, and it's actually necessary for mums. We are better mums if we are well rested, well nourished, and get some space in our days just for us. Have a think about it.

As for your in laws, don't let them boss you hun. You're the mum, you're in charge of your child.

I think you're doing the best job you can, and it's not an easy job to do.

Very best wishes to you and bub

Kaz

[BubnMe]

Thank you so much, Kaz.

As a mother, I always have doubts in myself. I always feel worried, that I'm not doing the best I can.

But sometimes I look at my child, I see his beautiful personality, and I think, every part of me, heart a soul, is helping him to grow to be a smart, caring, loving, independent little child.

I have a long road ahead of me.

The father of my child use to have my child for two nights every second fortnight. The first few fortnights, my child returned home with severe nappy rash. The last two fortnights, my child has returned home with sunburn. This time his sunburn has blistered. My child's father claimed, that he put sunscreen on my child, claimed it was windburn, and that sunscreen doesn't prevent windburn. The doctor said, that sunscreen should prevent windburn.

I never use to fear for my child's welfare when in the care of their father, but now I do. I tried to explain that to my ex. He accused me of being jealous, that he has another partner, and accused me of ruining his Christmas.

We argued via text message. I told him, he can have supervised visits with our child, and that's it. And if he has a problem with that, to take me to court.

My ex obviously didn't like what I said, because he rang the police. The police walked into my house, checked over my son while he was asleep, said, that he should not have suffered sunburn that bad. I informed the officers that I had previous problems, they said that my ex seemed like an unfit parent, and not to handover my child to the ex anymore.

It's nice to be reaffirmed like that! And to know that the father of my son has made a fool of himself.

[BubnMe]

I'm so terrified. I feel worried that I cannot fight this uphill battle.

Every single day, trying to prove myself. It's exhausting.

But I could never live without my child. And I know that no one else cares for my child like I do.

That's why I joined this website.

Somewhere to vent, and find others in common, so then I don't feel so alone.

[pipsy]

Hi BudnMe. Can I be direct and ask how your partner was during the pregnancy. Was it an easy time or did you experience problems during the pregnancy? It almost sounds as though partner and his mum are waiting for you to 'fall down' so they can take the child. I can so relate to the 'screaming child' situation. I had similar problems with my daughter (now 48). You are not getting the emotional support you need with this child. I think it might be an idea to get some legal advice about your rights as opposed to your ex's rights. If you 'share' custody, perhaps a mediator might be an idea, so your ex knows exactly where he stands. I don't think he really knows how to care for the child either. I also doubt he put any sort of protection against sunburn on the child (don't quote me on that). Stopping visitation has to be agreed by court. I suggest you see a lawyer a.s.a.p., get some advice about possible supervised visits. Supervised visits can be done using a third party to observe. Once the child has reached a certain age, he can decide for himself, but for now, he needs to be nurtured and cared for. You are taking care of him, but ex's interruptions are making you nervous and I think your son could be reacting to this.

Lynda

[BubnMe]

Hi pipsy,

I think that they r waiting for me to "fall down" too. But I know that they dont want the full-time responsibility either.

When we found out I was pregnant, he wanted me to get an abortion, but before I fell pregnant, I was told that I would have trouble conceiving.

I suffered from a bit of post natal depression. When I told him I wanted professional help, he told me not to, and said I had him to talk to. That helped me. It's mainly his family who caused us trouble, and he never stood up for me.

When I started doing things my way, his family disapproved.

When I returned to work, I had to get his mums approval to put my child into childcare, even though she didn't want to care for him for the few hours everyday Monday to Friday. She said she would if she had to.

I did everything.

My child was born via emergency c section. I was released from hospital 2 days after, and was back in hospital after 3 days at home.

As I said, I did everything. I did loads of washing, cooking, housework. And I wasn't meant to lift anything heavier than my baby. I had a symptomatic seizure. I took on too much. He refused to help me.

After that, he contributed a bit more in the care of my child.

I don't think that he is mentally capable of caring for another human being.

He is a mummy's boy. He had control over everything when we were together.

As for supervised visits, we did them for a while, before we went to mediation. But we still had conflict.

As for legal advice, the last person I spoke to, they said that our problems will not be solved by not talking, and they suggested post separation support services, but he refuses.

They said that my case isn't urgent. I pretty much have to wait until I get served. And then legal aid will help me.

I plan to fight for full custody and he only see our child for short periods, or supervised.

[BubnMe]

Sorry, my life is pretty complicated. I can't accurately sum it all up in limited posts.

All I know, is that my child is happy. When it's just he and I, my child is so happy.

When I first separated from my ex, my child never asked for his dad. Never. I did briefly date another man, who my son called, dad.

[pipsy]

Hi BubnMe. My ex is also a 'mummy's boy'. You mentioned your ex had control over everything when you were together. That sort of says, even though he turns to mum for advice, somewhere there has been a dad who has been the main breadwinner, while mum nurtured and cared for the family. It's possible his mum didn't put her kids into care to return to the workforce as she may not have been allowed to. Taking care of your child was going 'against the rules of the family'. My ex in-laws have always maintained their kids are 'perfect'. Talking to a mediator possibly might have helped, but he may have needed 'mummy's' support and because she would've been excluded, he refused. Does he come from a large family? If m had no problems before, during or after pregnancy, he may feel women in general should have her strength and resilience. You are going to have to 'stand your ground' on this one. I feel a visit to your Dr might be a good place to start. Dr's are pretty good at listening and they often have great suggestions on how to care for yourself. You may also need some mild relaxation medication. I don't mean sleep aids, I'm talking AD's which will help fight the depression you are feeling. Short term AD's often help with conflict as you start seeing clearer once the depression eases. When we get depressed, our minds tend to cloud and we often overthink to see where things are going and how to avoid problems. Anxieties over complicated situations tend to have us on edge, AD's can help relax us and the anxiety seems to settle as we start thinking clearer. Tell your Dr you are the main carer for your child, he won't give you something that will 'zonk' you, but sometimes mild doses of AD's do help. Also practise breathing exercises, concentrate on breathing slowly through your nose and out your mouth, similar to 'labour'. Anything that aids relaxation is useful when conflict and tension cloud our thought processes.

Lynda

[BubnMe]

thank you