Struggling to want to get better

[Rustyswingset]

Hi all, I'm a 20 year old who's been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was 15-16. I've had moments where I feel a bit better but overall its been slowly getting worse- things dropping off over the years, school, work, meeting new people, then losing friends and, hobbies, stopping going to a counselor, not leaving the house, and being around people i've known for years even takes a lot of energy. I've also kind of had a lot of self worth issues build up and I haven't really been trying to get better for a while now despite missing being well. I'm okay thanks to the support of my parents, but I suppose I wanted to try this to feel less alone and see if anything inspires me? I don't know. I just exist using escapism- reading at the moment - as a way to feel things. 

[indigo22]

Hi Rustyswingset,

Welcome to the forums, I am glad you found your way here and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear how you have been feeling, it's difficult to get on top of depression when you feel you are in a downward spiral. It can be quite insidious and no doubt the reason for your self worth doubts.

I am much older than you and have been dealing with depression for a long time. I find too that there can be times when it feels lighter and less debilitating, the trick I think is to try to make simple changes during those times that stop the spiraling from getting too bad the next time it happens.

Have you had any medication treatment to help you get on top of things? It can be really helpful in giving you some momentum to do the things you know will help you feel better. If you are not keen on medication from your GP, then perhaps you could try some natural remedies from a Naturopath first to see if they help. I am glad to hear you have family support, that is so important. You said you are not seeing a counsellor anymore, is this because you felt you were not making any progress, or for another reason? 

There are a few things I could suggest, it would help though to know what you have already tried so I am not going over old ground. I am happy to support you in any way I am able so please feel free to continue this conversation and let's see what we can come up with together to help you start feeling a little better.

Thinking of you with care,

indigo

[Rustyswingset]

Hi Indigo, thankyou for the reply. I've been on medication from my doctor, we tried two different types, one worked for 6 months and then stopped, the other didn't work. After that I went to a psychiatrist and have tried about four different medications, I'm on one right now that works the best I've had so far. At one point I was in a hospital and they called it treatment resistant or something. I haven't tried natropathy, my parents have one that they've been to before so I suppose it can't hurt to try. I kind of stopped going to the counselor because after working through any negative experiences I've had I struggled to get past her giving me advice to make a routine each day and she would be disappointed when I didn't do it. Oh, and my mum's side of the family has a history of depression. 

[indigo22]

Hi Rustyswingset,
Thank you for the additional information, it helps me to understand where you are on your journey.

With regards to the medication, it can take a few tries to find the right fit for you. I tried about 3 to find one that worked for me but even on the one that worked, I went through a stage of being treatment resistant too. At the time, I was deeply depressed due to multiple loses of family members to cancer. It was like the major depression compounded by all the grief on top was more than the medication was able to help with. I did get on top of it eventually and I am doing much better these days. I am wondering if there is something that is/was difficult to deal with going on for you which is causing you to be treatment resistant?

With regards to the counsellor, I think you may need to find a better fit, not all therapists are created equal, some are better than others and it sounds like yours was not as well equipped as you needed them to be. There should have been other strategies offered so if routine wasn’t the answer something else could be tried. Showing disappointment if you are not following advice is unprofessional in my opinion, you deserve better than that, you deserve alternative strategies. Please consider trying again with another counsellor, it is perfectly ok to say “this is not a good fit for me and I don’t feel comfortable”. You can then look for another that you do feel comfortable with. I think we can tell in the first appointment if the person feels right for us.

Depending on your past experiences that lead to depression, it may be worthwhile looking for someone who does somatic work as well as talk therapy. In case you are not familiar, somatic work helps to clear energy that has become stuck in the body from past traumas that were not fully processed at the time. The types of somatic work are quite varied but include Somatic Experiencing, EFT/Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprogramming) to name a few. Generally this type of work is done by therapists that are known as “Soul Centred Psychotherapists” or “Soul Based Psychotherapists” an internet search in your area should bring up a few but if not, this type of therapy can also be done online via zoom or similar. These therapists tend to be much more in tune with your needs as well so please give it some thought.

Given that there is a history of depression on your mum’s side, it is very possible you are dealing with ancestral depression. A good book to help you with an understanding of this is “It Didn’t Start With You” by Mark Wolynn. Another book that could be very helpful to you is “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk.

I hope some of this is helpful and will continue to offer suggestions depending on your needs, please let me know your thoughts about the above.
indigo