Struggling again

[Patches63]

New to the forums and Beyond Blue but not to mental health issues.  About 15 years ago I learnt that I have struggled on and off with mental health issues since I was 9yo, I was mid 40’s at that stage.  I had been my mums carer for approx 6months.  Couple days prior to Christmas my mum had heart attack in my arms and was rushed to local hospital.  She passed away before I got to say Goodbye.  Not long after I had suicidal thoughts, was referred to psychologist who diagnosed depression and separation anxiety.  About 11 years ago met the man who I married few years later.  Just over 3 years ago he passed away following 6mth battle with cancer.  Since then been various ‘unpleasant’ or distressing things that happened that have been gradually wearing me down mentally.  I’m now having unwanted daytime flashbacks, panic attacks and wanting to withdraw from everyone.  

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Patches,

 I just wanted to say welcome. I can relate to much of what you’ve written. I cared for both my parents up until they died. I was with my Mum when her heart failed and also didn’t get to see her alive again after the ambulance took her to hospital. Three friends died in tragic circumstances in the same time period. So I really empathise and know it’s a journey with the grief.

I loved reading how you were welcomed home as a baby by pets. I also feel way more trusting with animals than people. I hope you get to have some good success with the SE Equine Therapy. I tried to get into a practitioner who does SE Equine Therapy in 2021 but there was a 6 month wait to even get on the waiting list so I didn’t pursue it. Eventually I found a wonderful SE practitioner who is a psychologist I’ve been working with for a year now and I’ve had more success with that approach than I have with any other therapy work I’ve done. As the approach draws on how animals recover naturally from trauma, I think it is the kind of approach that works well for people who feel attuned with animals as it makes so much sense.

I did do one session of equine therapy in 2021 which was not specifically SE but similar and I did find that helpful. The horse helped me learn about myself. He brought out aspects of myself that I could then work on with him and the therapist.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. Would love to hear how you go with the therapy (but no pressure to share either unless you want to). I hope the move goes well. I know it can feel unreal at first. I moved from the city to a regional area over a year ago as I’m better closer to nature and rural areas.

Take care,

Eagle Ray

[Patches63]

Hi Eagle Ray,

I find animals are amazing.  They put their trust in us humans without hesitation and give us unconditional love.  Through volunteer work plus foster carer I have also unfortunately seen the negative impact on animals where that trust has been destroyed.  Similar to us as humans their life is turned upside down and some take a long time of patience to slowly gain that trust again.  I think of my last foster cat, jet black small bodied girl who was terrified of humans.  My spare room became her room for approx 5months during which time I saw her slowly go from growling and physically hitting me with one paw, never any claws out though, to a girl who started to play with toys… who would sit beside me and either take small pieces of chicken from my fingers or help herself to pieces off plate on my knee but the slightest touch of a finger on her sent her running for her safety spot.  I have wondered a few times if part of the reason I feel comfortable with animals and trust them more than humans as I’ve experienced and seen 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Patches,

 I found that so moving what you described with your foster cat. It takes someone full of compassion and empathy to care for an animal who has been traumatised. That trust you built with her is something special. I think people who have been through a lot themselves have an understanding of animals who’ve been through a lot too. I have a strong recoil response from humans at times because of things that have happened to me. Just like your cat I want to run away to my safe places. It’s happened to me over the past week actually when something triggered me and I wanted to hide from people. I’m just starting to come out of my shell again. It’s lovely to hear about your experiences with animals. I feel especially connected with dogs and have lived with a few. I’ve been thinking of getting a rescue dog or otherwise fostering.

[Patches63]

Missed call from lady who provides SE Equine Assisted Therapy couple hours ago due to being in an appointment.  Seeing the missed call I started to panic with fears she was going to say I couldn’t start the program.  Drove to area where I knew I could park my car and sit and phoned her back.  I couldn’t believe it at the time and still don’t …. She was phoning to let me know she fully believes the therapy will help me.  Felt the waves of relief hit and felt the tears starting to flow.  We had good chat and I have my first SE Equine Therapy session on Monday morning.  So relieved to not to go on long wait list either. Hardly slept last night for some reason.  Just after 5pm and am feeling tired…. Fingers crossed getting this good news will mean I get good night sleep

Patches

[indigo22]

I am so happy for you Patches, this could be the beginning of a better life moving forward. I wish you every success along with a long and restful nights sleep.

indigo22 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Patches,

That’s wonderful news! That sounds really promising. I hope I didn’t worry you when I mentioned how I went on a waitlist for SE Equine Therapy. I didn’t even think of that when I typed my message yesterday! I’m sorry if I worried you. I’m probably in a different state than you with either fewer practitioners or higher demand for it. I have found the SE approach very helpful myself. I had a session with my psych this morning and we talked about animals quite a bit today. I’m learning to get in touch with protecting my own boundaries and we were talking about how animals instinctively do that. Take care and I hope you have a lovely, restful sleep tonight 😴🙏

[Patches63]

Hi Eagle Ray,

your words did not worry or upset me.  My greatest fear with the Equine Assisted Therapy was I was going to be told by the provider that based on information I have given her that she felt the program wasn’t right for.  I’ve never owned one but love horses and have no fear of them, if anything the bigger they are the more comfortable I am around them.  Talking with my gp this morning he mentioned he hasn’t heard much about Equine Therapy but has heard lot of positives about Canine Therapy.  As mentioned to gp, I’ve had young colt leave teeth marks on one arm one day decades ago, following day I was back at the paddock helping my neighbour happily feeding and tending to the filly, quickly learnt not to take my eyes off the colt for anything.  Appointment booked this morning for initial psych appointment and placed on antidepressants with review with gp in 2 weeks.

my head is spinning that I’m being referred for help so quickly. Thinking back over the last 6 months I’m seeing where, what would have been little thing on its own, have all gradually been building up inside me and taking a toll on me …. Issues and stress with trying to sell without supportive real estate, uncertainty of if would be able to move to area where I can see lots of benefits for me, physical health issues, verbal abuse and lack of support through volunteer work.

Animals are amazing and so intuitive, they can sense how we are feeling and respond accordingly plus can be great teachers

Patches

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Patches,

It is wonderful you are getting the help from various sources. Yes, all those individual things can build up and take their toll. I remember finding selling my Mum’s place quite stressful. It’s hard when you are dealing with things on your own too.

Yes, animals are truly wonderful in their ability to be intuitive. I visited a friend today and her cat came and sat in my lap and purred while I patted her. It was so comforting and I could feel recent anxiety I’ve had drain away.

 I’m so happy for you that you are finding sources of healing connected with animals. It’s so good to follow your intuition in that way, especially knowing the connection you feel with horses.

The place I did equine therapy I only went to once because it was more than 3 hours drive from me then. But I live much closer now, about 45 minutes away, so I think I might do some more sessions there.

My cousin who lives in another state has owned horses and says they are really the most intuitive animals. They can really sense you and what you are feeling. Animals are just so special.

[Patches63]

Feeling disappointed and disheartened after 2sessions with woman not far from me who says whe provides SE equine assisted therapy.  First session was good, learnt new breathing based technique which is helping with my anxiety and panic attacks plus got to spend little bit of time with some of her horses. Came home feeling very relaxed for hours. 2nd session she went over same ground as previous session and talked about finding things to bring my mind into current day/in touch with reality.  1hr session which ran overtime and I closest I got to any horse was at least one full paddock away.  Told me no need to book another appointment unless I start to feel anxious again.

About 45 min drive in opposite direction there is another woman whose details were among list of providers I was supplied by BB phone counsellor.  Website for this woman mentions 3 stages she and her horses assist with and sessions of approx 10 in total during which the person sits in same paddock as the horses are in.  Have emailed her already, in her reply she mentions smallest number of sessions she has found most people need is 5.  
lve had 2sessions with the psych during which we have gone through timeline of events I typed up.  Next session this time next week. Psych mentioned that local dr has requested cbt for ptsd.

all I know is I want to start feeling happy again, constantly fighting back tears stops, that I can get solid nights sleep (currently wake each couple of hours every night) and that I can maybe start to trust people again

Patches

[indigo22]

Hi Patches,

I am sorry to hear that things did not work out well with the horse therapy, I know you were feeling good about it. Perhaps it was just the wrong fit for you and the other one you are looking at will be a better fit. It takes time to heal so try to go easy on yourself. Practice the new breathing technique that you said helped you, and perhaps try playing some relaxing music to help with your sleep, or try a warm shower/bath before going to bed to help you feel relaxed. Lack of sleep is likely contributing to how you are feeling emotionally at the moment. Things will get better, just give it some time and be kind to yourself in the meantime.

indigo22