Star student to miserable failure

airathefailure

Hi, call me Aira. I'm a Year 12 IB student and I'm failing everything.

I was always pretty good at school. I did well with zero effort. I hear about other students who used to do well without trying too, but struggled later because they never learned study techniques. That's not me. In Year 10 I was moved to an advanced class, and realising things were only going to get harder from there, I spent the year figuring out study techniques that worked for me. It went well. I even ended up doing better than many of my classmates who had been in the advanced program far longer than me. When I got to Year 11, it didn't take me long to be the best student in many of my classes. I'm not saying all this to brag. I'm mentioning this because the difference between me back then and me now is almost comical.

By the time Year 11 was over, I just gave up on everything. Reading my diary, it seems like my attitude at the time was "this is a long break, I'll just enjoy it for now and get to my homework later." Then something happened (it wasn't serious, but I don't want to say), and I got really upset and just did nothing. It was pretty out-of-character for me since, in terms of my mood, Year 10 was the worst year for me and I still did pretty well. So I can't recall why I just gave up. When Year 12 started, I struggled in class since I did none of the homework. That stressed me out a lot and my mental health has been the worst this year than it has ever been. I started crying in my classes a lot and sort of just stopped doing any work. I stopped doing anything really, other than going to school and coming back home. I was talking to my teachers, the coordinator, and to a counsellor at school, but I didn't feel like any of it was helping. So after months of this, I sent the coordinator a desperate email about how I wasn't going to graduate at this rate, and I managed to get a different timetable. Instead of finishing school this year, I'm meant to complete 2 subjects this year, and the other 4 next year. It was relieving for a few weeks, but I was feeling so awful I couldn't get anything done anyways. If I can't even handle 2 subjects, how am I meant to handle 4 next year? I think back to who I was a year or two ago and she feels like a different person entirely.

Mentally, I'm actually doing pretty well right now. I think enough happened to me to where bad things don't surprise me anymore. But it doesn't make much of a difference if that isn't showing in my grades.

Sophie_M

Hi Aira,

Welcome to the forums, and thanks for sharing what's been happening. Reading your post, I was really struck by how different things feel for you now compared to even a year or two ago. It sounds like you've gone from someone who genuinely enjoyed learning and worked hard to stay on top of things, to feeling like you're barely recognising yourself. That must be incredibly upsetting.

One thing that really stood out to me though is that, even while things have been falling apart, you haven't stopped trying. You spoke to your teachers, your coordinator, the school counsellor, and even sent that email asking for help when things became too much. That tells me you've been doing everything you can to get yourself through this, even if it hasn't felt like it's made enough of a difference.

It is really good to hear that you are feeling a little steadier mentally at the moment, even if your grades haven't caught up yet. Sometimes those two things don't move together, and that's okay. Please keep reaching out to the people around you, and if things start feeling overwhelming again, you can also contact the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636. You don't have to carry all of this on your own.

Thanks again for posting, Aira. I hope you'll keep checking in with us and that you'll find some encouragement from others here who understand what it's like when things don't go to plan.

Regards
Sophie M

therising

Hi Aira

I believe one of the most challenging things to do in life involves developing a kindness and a level of patience with ourself while we face circumstances we've never faced before. I feel for you so much as you work through this process.

Under ideal circumstances that completely support what we want to achieve, something can be easily or completely achievable. You've proven this to be the case when it comes to achieving a level of excellence in your studying and grades. You worked hard to figure out the ideal circumstances. Non ideal circumstances can be a whole other story. What leads to such circumstances while we deal with the feelings that come with them can involve a whole new level of self understanding

What are the circumstances I now face? (developing clarity)
How can I manage them? (developing planning strategies)
How am I feeling them? (developing emotional intelligence)
What can I learn from them? (developing higher consciousness)
What support/guidance do I need, under these circumstances? (developing support and networking capabilities)

and so on.

While you face a major developmental period in your life, it's important to recognise just how much you're juggling on top of school work. From what you say, it sounds like you're making significant progress in all areas including developing a basic understanding of how your circumstances have come to be, how you're managing, making greater sense of what you're feeling, what you're learning about yourself and the way you're establishing support. You sound like an extremely conscious person. At such a young age, that is incredibly impressive. It can take decades for some of us to develop that level of awareness.

Based on my own experience, amongst the challenges I can be facing at any time will be key issues (as opposed to a whole stack of general issues). Recognising the keys can lead to unlocking the way ahead. For example, if our key issues are a lack of focus, a lack of energy and a false perception, once focus, energy and perception are addressed certain doors begin to naturally open. 'What's interfering with my ability to focus?', 'What helps explain my lack of energy?' and 'What perception do I need to let go of or develop?' can be things worth wondering about. This is an incredibly challenging time in your life and my heart goes out to you.❤️