The warmest of welcomes to you at one of the most challenging times of your life. My heart goes out to you.
I'm not sure whether you've tried any gambler's help support services online, over the phone or in person, even if it's just to gain a sense of where to start. It can be so hard to know where to start when it comes to something in life that challenges us so much. Starting with a basic sense of wonder can be the first step, such as with wondering whether something might make some difference.
While how gambling starts may not be a problem and may all be quite innocent (with a rare or occasional trip to the pokies or online bet), how it ends up can be a whole other story. How it ends up may involve strategic support and highly conscious management, with part of that management involving new ways to manage inner dialogue/internal monologue/the 'voice' in our head. With that internal voice, sometimes it can be about finding someone we trust in life to help us interrupt it and manage it, for sometimes it's just impossible to manage alone. I'm wondering whether your sister may be someone who can help you manage. When we're trying to manage whatever challenges us the most, it's important to find someone who's not going to judge us harshly but instead try and get a feel for what it's like to face what we can be trying so hard to manage alone.
I'm going back some years when recalling the incredible challenges a close friend of mine faced with gambling. I felt for her so deeply in so many ways. While it began with her and her partner visiting the pokies on occasion, this led to her going on her own, which then led to her using parts of their income that would normally pay the bills, which then led to her trying to win the money back, which often led to stress and her beating herself up horribly while struggling with depression. She is one of the most beautiful people I know who relied on gambling for a number of reasons, including to get a high while she was in an abusive relationship that often led her to feel deeply depressed. When what begins as an innocent thing becomes a resource, it can be so hard to cut ourself off from that resource while developing new resources and new ways of living.
As a 56yo gal who's struggled with depressing periods throughout my life (one long term and a number of short term periods), I can understand how we don't necessarily see or feel ourself taking those gradual steps down into a depression but we can definitely feel rock bottom when we get there. When a non conscious or semi conscious number of steps down eventually lead us to a point where we need to begin taking a whole stack of highly conscious steps on the way back up, it can be so unbelievably challenging. Sometimes we just can't do it alone. Sometimes we need a guide, someone who can in some way say to us 'This is how you take the next step up...'.❤️
