So a have BPD , Trauma , Major Depression and SH

[Evanthia04]

I have been suffering for over 3 years now , but the last few weeks have been the worst for me .. I have been self sabotaging everything l do and possibly treatment resistant . I have been seeing alot of specialist and still hitting the brick wall of frustration .

I feel l am not being heard , seen and ignored.

I have hurt myself and l am left with scars that are a reminder always.

I want to move forward . but feel l am stepping backwards always.

The struggle is real , the fear is real and the l am not sure where to go from here.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Evanthia04,

Welcome to the forums, we're really glad you've found your way here. 

We're sorry to hear how difficult the past 3 years have been and how much worse things have felt over the past few weeks. If you feel comfortable, could you tell us more about how you've been feeling? What type of thoughts and feelings have you been experiencing? Please know our community is a safe space to share these thoughts and we will try our best to listen and provide some support. 

If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors could talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone here, and we hope that you share more with us when you feel ready. 
 

[Evanthia04]

You see my feelings have been unstable , not thinking straight and keeping the chaos inside. Only 5 people know what's been happening , to everyone else a false happiness is shown.

I am tired and I am having very disturbing thoughts and dreams or nightmares. I have too much time alone and thinking bad thoughts haven't been the best for me.

Self punishment has occurred and I feel like l haven't truly pushed my boundaries .

I feel this wont end well but it wont stop.

[yggdrasil]

Hi Evanthia04,

Thank you so much for sharing your story on these forums. I'm guessing your age from the '04' in your name, and if this is accurate, this is a really hard time for anyone, let alone someone experiencing the trauma you have.

I think the reality is that not many people your age have experienced serious trauma, and not many will really grasp what you're experiencing on an emotional level, and this makes it hard to feel heard. There are in person support groups for PTSD, depression etc, and I found these really effective and letting me feel heard and understood on an emotional level.

Do you have any sports or other physical exercises you enjoy? Intense exercise is essential for me to manage my mental health. I think this can be a way to push your body out of its comfort level, and force the intense, circuitous thoughts out of your head. You might like something like Parkrun, which is held in most parts of Australia, and should be starting up again soon.

I skate(board) every day now, and that really helps me break out of my head as you have to really focus on your body to avoid falling off! I always wear helmet and (usually) pads though to minimise serious risk. I skate after work, and I find that helps tire me out physically so I sleep better and don't have bad dreams. Avoiding intense or negative TV before bed also helps. I watch Simpsons before bed now.

I notice you've got Harley Quinn as your avatar - have you ever tried roller skating? It's really taking off at the moment. I see lots of women and girls on skates at the skateparks now, of all ability levels, including total beginners. I've seen women come out of the half-pipes doing hand stands, it's amazing.

I think there are lots of strategies for managing internal chaos. Trying to simplify your life as much as possible was a good start for me, i.e. setting strong boundaries with difficult people and minimising any painful relationships.

There are heaps of schools of thought with therapy, but I've found the "Schema Therapy" model really helpful for me. I think it's particularly useful for people with traumatic pasts. There are heaps of resources and "worksheets" online - if you have a psych or counsellor they may be able to guide you. I remember when I was your age I thought these therapy "homework" worksheets were really, really stupid, sometimes even offensive, but you can eventually find an approach that makes sense to you I think. All the best,

yggdrasil

[Evanthia04]

Hello yggdrasil ,

I use the 04 after my name as its my birth date , LOL l wish l was still younger .. I have lived with trauma and roller coasters of life that , l wonder why l still hold on.

My mind races but my body cannot keep up , a knee injury and surgery has pretty much ruined me.

So exercise is not an option at present , walking is painful enough.

Harley Q is a fav of mine , l like her brassy attitude and how she stands up for herself. Isnt afraid to bust knee caps LOL.

Alot of what l wish l could be, instead of afraid of being , living , etc.

Add BPD in the mix and l am a cocktail of chaos all in one.

Thanks for your insight .....

[Petal22]

Hi Evanthia04,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be difficult for you.

Im sorry that you are having disturbing thoughts and dreams.

I suffered with severe anxiety OCD I had horrible intrusive thoughts they really scared me and would send my anxiety to severe levels.

I have now recovered thanks to the professional help I received.

Are you still seeking professional help?

[Harpbird]

Oh Evanthia04’s, I do so get you. Though our circumstances may be a little different.

i suffer PTSD, depression, chronic pain am self harming. Though I haven’t done any SH since July I think it was. No one knew in over 40 years of my self harming, if I remember right it was about June this year when I told my friend I had SH. Well that led to my osteopath, GP, psychologist, and three friends and two of my kids knowing .

you are stronger than you think. You came here seeking help/advice or opinions. Read them all take bits that resonate with you.

do you have hobbies? I found they help a lot. Friends you can walk with?

i am on holidays with my friends, they are a few years younger than me but are so caring.

please don’t beat yourself up. Be strong.

[Evanthia04]

Hello Petal22,

I see a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist bi monthly , unfortunately due to all the noise in my head and on my 3rd lot of antidepressants soon to be 4th as the current ones are making me worse. So l am going to ask l stop them asap.

I have too much horrible thoughts , feelings and behaviors that l know its not going to be a quick fix and all is okay.

Its good to see you have recovered from yours's.

These days l fear everything and that's not good. Those dreams and visual disturbances are so real , l sometimes need to double check where l am.

I don't know what to do and the worse l become the more l shut down from them all.

[Petal22]

Hi Evanthia04,

Im sorry you haven’t found the correct antidepressant for you yet…… I understand it can take time to find the right fit for you………..

When I first went on antidepressants they did make me worse before I got better. I was also told this may happen by my gp.

Im now good and all the side effects have disappeared.

Have you been diagnosed with anything in particular?

I understand the noise in your head mine was unrelenting when I was going through OCD….. I thought I was going crazy….. it was a horrible cruel disorder to go through.

I also had a lot of visual disturbances they terrified me and felt very real…..

Id find myself questioning them and avoiding certain things in the beginning.

I was stuck in a vicious OCD cycle….. I learned how to break the cycle.

Are you doing a particular therapy?

Hang in there things will get better..

Im here if you have any questions

[Sophie_M]

Hi  Evanthia04,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through; it sounds tough. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. If you would like some further support tonight please feel free to call Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636. If, however, you feel unsafe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).