Same old

[Quest72]

Hey

At risk of sounding like broken record, I too suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

I know that this is an open forum and I'm grateful for an avenue to vent and express my (many) issues but the reason I've withheld for so long posting is because I often think "why" what's the point? It's obvious that everyone has their own demons to battle and we are the centre of our own universe as our perspective reflects. My story is not unique and may bore many readers as they take arms and battle each and everyday or choose to let the darkness take over, what ever. Here it is

I've battle with depression day in, day out for most of my life.

Isolation and not feeling a connection with anyone has been a common theme through out my life and has sabotaged and destroyed many a friendship and opportunity to move forward from I'd say age 13 (I'm now 46). I'm constantly in conflict with not wanting to be around people and do "things" with people and an unbelievable feeling of isolation and loneliness. I've struggled immensely with low self esteem and hating myself for what I am, knowing that I have the power to change and create a better reality but constantly retreating back into my negativity and self sabotage. I'm trapped.

My marriage has ended and I have two incredible boys whom I try to function normally for. My only purpose is to provide for them a stable, safe somewhat happy environment. My wish is to provide them with opportunities that will help them grow and be happy. It is for this reason that I go on, it is for this reason that I struggle everyday to make it through another day of managing my business and providing for them. I have no other joy, I work and pray that they develop a vision and produce an outcome that is productive and enables them to connect, inspire and make a difference in their lives and those they are in contact with.

I can't see the the struggle ever being over, I've been on medication for years and am tired of putting a band aid over the root cause weather it be biological or environmental it's not going to change. I know all about it, had countless counselling sessions , read all the books and followed the Dharma of HH. It all means nothing unless you can embrace it, but most importantly action it. there's nothing more demoralising then knowing all these things, and still not be able to pull yourself up out of the ditch.

What's the answer? Is there one, or are we just counting the days down.

[smallwolf]

Quest72,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

Talking or posting or venting can be helpful. I think our stories are all unique. Some elements might overlap but otherwise your story will be different in places to mine and vice versa.

Depression can be hereditary, medical or ????? For example, my own father suffer from depression and therefore I am more likely to "get it". Blood tests might also reveal other contributing factors. For example, high iron levels. Again, I have had numerous blood tests (these were asked for by my psychiatrist) to see if was something contributing.

You also seems that while (as you said) have attended "countless counselling sessions" but unable to "pull yourself up out of the ditch". Are you still attending counseling sessions? Or do you feel that you have gained nothing from it? If the latter, what happened to make you think that you are unable to "pull yourself up out of the ditch"?

It is important to remember that it takes time, and you/I have to open to what the psych asks/tells us. My psych also give me homework to do between sessions. It takes time. If I do not do my homework then I don't get maximum benefit from these sessions. It is hard, however I think there is hope.

One trick I do currently, is maintaining a journal about pleasures, accomplishment, positives etc. It was hard initially, and 3 months down the track can still be hard. I also have to trust in my psych, that I will get the tools to help manage it.

Hope some of this helps. Let me know what you think and we can continue to chat.

Tim

[Quest72]

Hey Tim

funny you should bring up high iron levels as I have hemochrombtosis and haven't had my blood levels taken for a long time as I'm prone to passing out and would rather die a toxic death than suffer a sharp needle in the arm.

I feel that I'm beating my head up against the wall or like a gold fish going around and around in circles. Happiness is consistently at arms lengths and looking back at my life I see definite patterns of self sabotage, insecurity and lack of connection with other people.

I'm constantly under pressure and feel like I'm riding the razors edge most days and if not then I feel guilty for not doing enough, because there is always so much to do. the later brings my anxiety to boiling point and I don't sleep with exasperates my anxiety and depression.

My low self esteem, sense of hopelessness, and inherent lack of purpose all make each day a massive climb up hill. I've relocated to another part of the country to be with my children, which is away from family and support. I don't make friends easily and rarely put myself in positions to do so because I guess I'm anti social, no I am. Although I crave human contact and to connect with people, it's a contradiction that has no future.

Anyhow, I'm not sure how this forum can help as I'm just venting my frustration at life and it's meaningless ramblings. I'm lost and afraid that once my children are older and left I'll have nothing, and no one, and I don't think that's going to last long.

[Quest72]

sorry I didn't answer your questions.

No I'm not still attending counselling sessions although I've had a few throughout my life group, couple, and one on one. Did they help? It's like reading a good book and having a light bulb moment and thinking damn that is so true and I'm going to change and be exactly what they've described or been inspired by the contents. however, negative thoughts creep back in without notice in the midst of everyday life. If my only purpose in life was to focus on my thoughts and their sabotaging outcomes I'd be fine, unfortunately modern life doesn't permit such self indulgence.

Yes i've gained volumes of insight into a depressed/anxious way of life but daily practice or implementation does not come easy .

I may be bi polar as I'm not always "in the ditch", but I wouldn't say that I'm ever over the top happy either. Probably more like deep in the ditch and then a nose above ground. Never, crazy happy.

I too have done the diary thing, daily gratitude (morning and night) written goals daily, weekly, monthly. For me it gets old and isn't practical as I find I'm writing the same things, Grateful for the sunshine, my boys, a smile from the shop attendant blah blah blah. Most of the time I'd be grateful to be put out of my misery