rejected again by adult daughter

[desert_lover]

I have 2 adult daughters. Eight years ago the younger was diagnosed with a cancer that is usually curable but hers was too advanced. The night before her surgery she told me she didn't want me to visit her in hospital. When I asked her why she said she didn't want anyone to visit her in hospital. I was puzzled and distressed but accepted and respected her wishes. The day after her surgery I took flowers up to the ward and asked the nurses to give them to her. A nurse asked why I didn't give them to her myself. When I said that my daughter did not want visitors she said, "She's got 2 there now". That's how my daughter ended our relationship for 4 heart-breaking years. Over that time I wrote 2 or 3 letters asking her what I had done wrong to make her cut me off like that. On one occasion I sat down and apologised to her for every individual mistake I could possibly remember that might have hurt her, even for divorcing her father, but each time she wrote back long incredibly angry letters about all the terrible things she is convinced that I think about her or imputing the most amazing, horrific cruel motives for everything I've ever done. These pages of invective were unanswerable. I lived that 4 years in an agony of the soul because I loved her dearly and was scared she was going to die. I tried 3 different counsellors over time but they couldn't help. They didn't get it. One of them blamed me. About every 3 months I bought my daughter a small gift and drove an hour across town to put it in her letter box with a blank card saying 'Love Mum' while she was at work. Never acknowledged. She still 'lives with' her cancer and works full time. Nearly 4 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. My elder daughter told her sister and this brought her back to me; but it was always 'eggshells' with many topics off the agenda. 18 months ago I was diagnosed with another more serious primary cancer. This brought her a bit closer. Three weeks ago I rang her for a chat but she didn't pick up. I rang same day later but still she didn't pick up. I have done nothing more. 4 days later I received a scathing email asking me why I rang since I hate her so much. I wrote a careful email back but have heard nothing. I have no tears this time, just a self-protective heart of stone and detached anger. Last time was so disempowering; this time I feel stronger but I need contact with other rejected parents. We are everywhere and our hearts break in silence.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I can read there is so much hurt in your initial post. I just want to let you know that I am listening, even though I am not a professional counselor. When I get back online shortly, I will re-read your message and see how I can reply.

Tim

[Doolhof]

Hi Desert lover,

Welcome to the community here. I'm so very sorry to read about your cancer diagnoses and also for all the heart ache you have experienced with your daughter.

It can be very hard to understand why people act the way they do, how a person's heart can be turned against loved ones when reason does not seem to be there to support the harshness that is dealt out.

If you don't mind me asking, how was your relationship with your daughter before her cancer operation? Did you often feel like you had to be careful what you said to her?

Could your daughter have a mental health issue that affects the way she behaves? I am certainly not a counsellor nor any kind of mental health professional, I am just wondering.

There is usually a reason why someone is not so pleasant to someone else.

My situation is different from yours. With me, it has been my Mum who has kept me at a distance. My Mum who has sent the scathing emails, made horrible phone calls and said some really cruel things. My Mum has some mental health issues. She is not well.

I too have mental health issues, I just choose not to be nasty...most of the time! I too am only human.

I have learnt to love my Mum for who she is and to realise she will not be the Mum I desire her to be.

I'm really sorry for the hurt and pain you have endured. I have learnt I can do little to make other people like me. It is their choice.

Cheers from Dools

[desert_lover]

Hi Tim, Thanks for caring. Every little helps. desert lover

[desert_lover]

Hi Dools,Thanks for your welcome and your sensitivity and insightfulness. My relationship with this daughter has not been close for a long time, but it wasn't hostile as far as I knew. It was me she came to when she was worried about her health before her operation. Something happened in between. I raised my kids alone since they were 10 and 6 in another city. I have been an adventurous kind of person and have lived and travelled a lot in remote places once my kids grew up. The younger one and I have lived in the same city since 2005 but she always seemed to be much closer and more involved with her friends than with either her sister or me. There have been a couple of tragedies in her life when she was young that were not my fault but I have wondered if she has felt angry with me for not being able to protect her from them. The shutters she puts up now are so tough that I have not felt able to ask her any of these questions. I've always tried to respect her privacy and she gives no openings for discussion of personal stuff. I am very interested in the question you raised about her mental health. These questions have occurred to me too but health professionals I've raised it with won't discuss it, as if they think I'm breaking some rule and trying to label her for nasty reasons. It would help me to relate more effectively to her if I knew the answer to this question. Without this I just have to take it as it comes but this time, try to protect myself from the hell I went through last time. But it's so hard when I think of the much-wanted and loved gorgeous, affectionate little kid she was. Where did that little girl go? Where is she now?

I am very sorry to hear about the hurt in your relationship with your mother. I wonder which is the more painful. To be rejected by your parent or your child? I wonder what others think.

desert lover (lover of the desert and the outback)

[smallwolf]

Sorry for not responding earlier. Other things got in the way. But I am responding now but little unsure whether you just venting, or looking for ideas to reconnect? If you will permit me, I will just ramble for a bit...

I do not really have much to say that could make you feel better. I know of some children that have been estranged from their parents. In one case the child was looking for (wanting) the father he never had (he was always working). That same child however did not understand the struggles the parent(s) had to go through at the same time. From a friend of the parents, I then found out the 'why' the parents were as they were. Parenting and raising children can be like walking on a fine line. Try to do the best you can, and you still get judged.

You have or are trying the things to restore the relationship, by getting professional help, seeking support (here?) and asking forgiveness from your daughters. I would also suspect that you would have also thought about or wondered whether there was an unresolved issue that needs to be addressed? Did or has your daughter told you what went wrong?

Difficult as it is, all you can do is remain openhearted, and expressing your love, with no expectation. A bit like leaving the light on outside the front door, inviting them in?

I also read that your daughter thinks you hate her. I think that you would have asked why she said that. I would also guess that you would have replied to her response? Did it end in an argument? Or did the call end on good terms?

And yet, and as crazy as it sounds, maybe walking in the shoes of your child or simply saying "I'm sorry". It does not matter who is in the right or wrong? But don't give up.

Tim

[desert_lover]

Hi Tim, thanks for taking the time to write. I have tried all of the above suggestions and more. I certainly am genuine and would not spend time on writing about it if I was not lonely and despairing in my loss of this relationship with my younger daughter. If you look back over what I've written you will see that this adult daughter cut me off without explanation the day before she went into hospital for cancer surgery that cannot be cured. (I have another daughter who has given me an adorable grandchild and with whom I have a healthy, mutually supportive and loving relationship) The younger daughter has never told me why she cut me off the first time and although she came back to me in a distant kind of way on her own terms for 3 years after her sister told her I have cancer, she has informed me out of the blue that again she does not want contact. I have told the truth in my first 2 posts and I am not going through it all again point by point. I have not looked at my threads over the past few days because it was her birthday on Wednesday and I was in an emotional state about this for several reasons. If you've been a mother you will know that no matter how old your children are you always remember their birth days in a very personal intimate way. It is a very special day for the mother as well as the child and it highlights what you have lost when that precious child no longer wants you in her life. I'm feeling a bit more 'together' now and giving quite a lot of thought to the idea that my daughter could have a mental illness as suggested by another person. I think this is quite possible but it does not make it any easier to know how to interact with her. This relationship is 'eggshells' all the way, when it exists at all, which it doesn't now.

desert lover

[desert_lover]

Hi again Tim, I have just re-read your mail and realised I mis-read you. I read you to be asking me if I was inventing the story of my daughter's rejection, hence my rather prickly reply. I realise that you were asking if I was just letting off steam. I'm sorry for this misunderstanding. It is a good question; I am venting but I am also looking for empathy and understanding. There is quite a stigma attached to being rejected by one's adult child. Others are quick to assume that you are the 'guilty party', that you deserve it, that you said or did something wrong and that it is up to you to repair the situation. I think this may be why there are so many elderly, silently suffering parents. Why put yourself out there for blame and hurt? I had no idea there were so many of us until it happened to me. Now I am hearing about it everywhere. I must admit that before it happened to me I tended to make the same biased assumptions about it being the fault of the parents. What I really want is a social support group of other rejected old mums and dads to meet with, face-to-face, on a regular basis but such an entity doesn't seem to exist in this town and I don't have the health or energy to create one myself

desert lover

[quirkywords]

Desert flower, what a lovely name,

I can feel your pain, frustration through your posts. You have tried so hard to communicate with your daughters.

Being rejected or misunderstood by one's adult child really breaks one heart. One of my friends son while still in her life for christmas mothers day and birthdays reminds her that my friend ruined his life. The few times they meet he will bring up issues from years ago that she felt they had dealt with. My friend has no other children so the rejection and constant criticism has added to her depression.

I don't have any wise words or suggestions except to just keep the communication open- which I know you are doing . I also have a relative who was cut out of her child's life for years, missing the wedding and the birth of a child, but now they have a close relationship and the past is never mentioned.

Quirky

[smallwolf]

Hi. It's me again. You don't need to aplogise for mis-reading my post. I did not know much about what you were talking about. So I did a little research with the power of Google, and you are right that it is broader than you think. Even an article in The Australian newspaper.

I suppose my question is this... Do you think the relationship can be re-established? Do you want to put in the effort to rebuild the relationship? (If you have explored every possible avenue to no avail then what can do you? I am not condemning you, or saying that you have not tried. Your posts would suggest otherwise.) Or painful as it is, accept the relationship as it is now? Is it a case that just leave the key out for her to pickup hopefully to re-enter your life.

And then there is you, looking (?) for "social support group of other rejected old mums and dads to meet with, face-to-face, on a regular basis but such an entity doesn't seem to exist in this town". In one article I read of someone going a quilting group. I would also expect some church organisations to have some sorts of social groups. Not sure if you might want to look there? Maybe it is case of not necessarily find groups specific for this group of people, find something that has a indirect link? And through connections with other people, they might tell similar stories, helping to build/create a new community for you?

Tim