Newbie reporting for support.

[Amy987]

Hi everyone,

My name is Amy, I'm 33 and my husband is clinically depressed and suffers from anxiety.

I'm hoping to find some non-judgmental support on these forums every now and again, and to learn to approach my own life in a healthy way by also helping others (sometimes things are much clearer from an outside perspective).

In my opinion - and the opinion of some loved ones who have failed to be very supportive - the way my husband and our life currently are is not exactly the best. He isn't being a very loving spouse, or a big contributor to the comfort of our life in general. I work, I do most of the household, I seek most of the affection - he is very checked out at the moment. He struggles to want to participate in life. This all was trigger by him nearly dying from cancer a few years ago - he gave up the fight... and then he got better. And now he is lost.

I've known him for a decade and I know it is the illness, not who he is. He was always extremely loving, supportive, caring, present, eager to earn what he has and contribute to our future. I know that's who he truly is. But that's not who he is right now. And I'm trying to find the best way to deal with that in a healthy way.

Additionally he is resisting professional help. He has tried here and there - and sadly has been let down quite a bit.

Giving up is not an option for me. So I'm hoping to pick up some insight, tools and strength from this community.

Hope you are all feeling okay today,

Amy

[therising]

Hi Amy987

My heart goes out to you and your husband as you both meet the challenges of a new stage of life together. You've both been through a lot over the past few years so of course it remains important that you are kind to yourselves.

Regarding your husband, I can't imagine how incredibly difficult it would be to live in fight, flight and/or freeze mode 24/7. Fighting the cancer, wanting to flee from the challenges it presents and feeling somewhat mentally crippled by the thought of how it could end up, would be impacting on so many levels. I imagine the constant stress cancer can place on people mentally, physically and spiritually (aka sense of connection to life) can be immense.

Regarding the depression, it would be interesting to hear his response if you were to present him with the question 'Do you know who you are?' I know it sounds like a strange question but I wonder how the cancer has impacted his sense of identity. Some might say that he should be happy to finally be free of it but it sounds like such freedom has come at a cost:

Pre-cancer: I am someone who is mentally and physically well, functional, feels a sense of purpose and direction etc

Cancer: I am someone who is mentally and physically challenged/unwell and perhaps dysfunctional (due to the impact of chemo and such). I cannot feel a sense of purpose other than to stay alive. I have others in my life who are directing me toward becoming well (family, friends, medical team) etc

Post-cancer: I am someone who is physically well although I have not recovered mentally. I am physically functional, although mentally I feel crippled at times. What is my purpose now that I have been given a 2nd chance at life? How am I supposed to live/reconnect with life? Where is the team of people who can help me do this effectively? I feel I am alone

The 'I am' factor is something most of us deal with every day, consciously or subconsciously. Our 'I am' (aka identity) comes down to how we identify our self in relation to life, our environment and the people in it. To say that your husband's sense of self has been put through the wringer is an understatement.

I'd like to suggest a great read. It's called 'Becoming Supernatural' written by a brilliant guy, Dr Joe Dispenza. You can Google it to get an idea of what it's about. Some may suggest it starts off a little 'airy-fairy' in the intro but it quickly gets into the nitty gritty of how we function as humans, holistically.

Take care of yourself Amy

[geoff]

Hello Amy, and thanks for posting on the forums, and I see you have replied to a few other threads which are great to be involved.

I just have a short reply to begin with and please I mean no harm in what I say, but I have had other people say this to me, that because he has, unfortunately, gone through the threat of cancer and 'he gave up the fight' which may mean he may think as though defeat is inevitable and can affect his mood but now in remission as he is better and disappointed.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Please once again I am not trying to upset you in any way and if I have I am terribly sorry.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

[Paw Prints]

Hi Amy,

I have had many family & friends go through cancer, a few have survived most didn't. It can be incredibly hard to watch a loved one suffer and to try and stay strong for them.

One friend had an aggressive form of cancer & when none of the treatments worked she was given only a few months to live. She stopped fighting and came to a calm acceptance of her limited lifespan,went through her things & gave the things that really mattered to her to those people that mattered to her. The Drs asked her if she would take part in a trial of a new drug that had just been approved for trial on humans who had no chance of recovery on normal cancer treatments. She agreed thinking it would not work, but that the Drs wouldlearn enough to be able to modify the drug for future patients.

The drug worked, she was declared cancer free. Most people expected her to be jumping with joy & living life to the full, but that wasn't how she felt. She felt lost and though it took time for her to recognise it she also felt angry. She was only in her late 20s and had a lifetime ahead of her but she wasn't even sure she wanted it.

It took support from her family & friends and professional help, but she has made it out the other side.Her partner was not only there for her, but most importantly was there for themself. It's good you're reaching out as his cancer has affected both of you and you need support as much as he does.

Can I suggest you have a look at the cancer council website, they have a section titled "after treatment" which you may find useful.

Best wishes

Paw Prints