My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me a couple of nights ago, he said he just can’t do this, he can’t deal with my depression. It has broken my heart because we tried for so long, last year was the worst year I’ve ever experienced in terms of depression, I wasn’t getting out of bed most days, I didn’t have the energy to, I wasn’t eating, I had a complete lack of appetite and I was taking a lot of my feelings out on him. He stuck through all of that and was there for me, told me that he loved me and that we would get through this. I feel like I’ve just started to really put things into place to help with my depression and I think he saw that and that is why he chose to break up with me now. It just breaks my heart because that is where all of our relationship issues are from; my depression and how I react when I am like that.
So I have decided that I’m not going to wait for it to get bad again. He said that he isn’t sure if we could ever try again even if I go and get help for my depression, but I’m trying to think that there is still hope there. So I’m taking the first step in helping myself so that maybe one day he will see that change and hopefully give me another chance.
We were childhood sweethearts that found our way back to each other in our mid teens and I hope that we find our way back to one another again. He said that he wants to be friends and he still wants to be here for me, I think he just can’t take the pressure and stress of being my boyfriend while I am in those depressive states.
The truth of the matter is that I was awful to him during those times. I would lose it over the smallest things and all this shit that had been in my head and heart and all my frustrations just burst out and I know that isn’t fair to him. As my mum said, when I am bad I am really bad and when I’m good it’s great but during those times it is like walking on egg shells, no one ever knows when it is going to go off and about what.
I want him to be happy but more than anything I want me to be happy. Even if getting help for my depression doesn’t result in another chance, I think it is the right thing to do for me.
