Hi, I'm new to the forum and share my story after years of having it concealed. I'm 44 years old and have two children 13 and 10. My struggles started at 19 whilst at university but I didnt know what they were. I suffered from major depressive disorder and remember several things happening to me including riding around on trams avoiding lectures and tuts along with many other symptoms of depression including thoughts of shame, guilt. I finished my degree with all this going on but never sought help. My need to withdraw from people for periods of time or not being able to keep up with all of the socialising I put down to a personal weakness.
One period of time which still hurts is after getting married at 27 to an amazing husband and father to my two children. The period of time I refer to is after the birth of my first child. I experienced my first manic episode, extreme euphoria and manic symptoms on day 6 of my childs birth. I remember instantly feeling lifted and only having 1 hour sleep roughly per night, pacing the house and sometimes running down the hallway to accomplish 'urgent' tasks. My brain was driving this insanity. My baby was putting on weight nicely, beautifully cared for by myself but I couldnt recognise that I was actually ill. I kept on the pursuit of looking after my babys needs and being the most nurturing mum. During my hospital stay I was convinced on day 2 that my breastmilk would poison the baby so I ordered formula and told the nurses it was best. When then enquired I got short with them telling them I'm in control of this but not revealing the reason. When we were at home I then started thinking the formula can was poisoned ordering my husband or 'instructing ' him with brute force to purchase new ones on my demand.
Despite these behaviours I never sought help, my husband became worried but I kept telling him I'm fine. After all, the health nurse always complimented me on a job well done. When the mania ceased, my motor ran down to depressive side, feelings of extreme guilt took over. I couldnt leave house for a few months and only reconnected us to a local playgroup when my baby turned 10 mths.
As my kids are now 10 and 13 I feel immense guilt and being diagnosed bipolar. They have been protected and I have never experienced mania again thankfully. I have been well for some time and my children are doing well in school and socially still the diagnosis and isolation in not tellling anyone still grinds at me.
