Some Days Are Diamonds.

[Baz1956]

Hi my name is Barry, but everyone calls me Baz. I'm 59 years old and was diagnosed with bipolar in 1992. In a way having a name for the feelings of nervousness and depression was a relief. I'd always thought I was just weak. I compared myself to others especially my three brothers all of whom I thought were better men than I was. When I look back to my teens I can see now that I was suffering from a mental illness. I moved from job to job. From relationship to relationship and as a result felt like a real failure.

I was 40 when I was first put on anti depressants and mood stabilisers it was shortly after that that I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. Since then my journey has been very up and down, but then that is the nature of the illness. I've had quite a few stays in hospital and more recently a stay in a respite facility not far from where I live.

Last year I was taken off anti depressants because the doctors felt that they were causing me to bounce from depression to mild mania. I remember thinking at the time, 'How will I cope without them', but the fact is I'm doing much better. In the past I'd get a bit manic and take on a new job in a flurry of mania, only to end up a couple of months later anxious, lost and severely depressed.

For my wife and family watching me on this endless cycle caused them a lot of worry. After my last admission to hospital My wife and daughter convinced me to forget paid work and think about doing some volunteering instead. For once I listened to their advice and now volunteer at animal shelter a couple of mornings a week. I still have times when I feel that I'm not a productive member of society, but when these feelings arise I try not to fuse with them and so avoid a downward spiral.

I guess for me my illness had two sides to it. Firstly the anxiety of everyday living and secondly some pretty unhelpful childhood memories. With the help of a great GP and the support of a community based mental health team I've been able to tackle my illness on both fronts. I've made peace with myself about things in the past and I'm trying each day to work on my anxiety.

There's a line in a John Denver song that goes", Some days are diamonds some days are stones," and I reckon that's true for everyone who suffers from mental illness. I'm slowly learning that the secret is not to panic when I have one or two bad days. That life and living are about making the best of things despite being bipolar.

[Starwolf]

Hi Baz and a warm welcome to you.

Thank you for this terrific post, for sharing your insight and great attitude.You are doing all the right things...and it has obviously paid off. I am sure many of us here at BB will feel inspired by your words.

It is the cut which reveals a diamond's beauty, which allows it to give off more light than it receives and reflect it. Even the roughest stone can be polished with surprising results.

Looking forward to reading more from you.

Great to have you on board.

[White_Rose]

Dear Baz

Hello and welcome. What great taste in music you have. John Denver is one of my favourites. He wrote some pretty amazing songs many of which are even more inspirational than Some Days are Diamonds. Star, you hit the nail exactly with It is the cut which reveals a diamond's beauty, which allows it to give off more light than it receives and reflect it. Now that's something to aspire to.

Baz I am still trying to learn the truth of I'm slowly learning that the secret is not to panic when I have one or two bad days. The panic seems to hit before I have realised what is happening. But all is not lost. I can start reflecting on what is happening a couple of hours after the day goes pear shaped.

Medication can at times be the cause of our roller coaster rides, even though it helped at first. It's great you have a doctor who recognises when to stop.

I love reading the success stories of other people. I know we will never be entirely cured, but it is so wonderful to know we have the tools to cope with our problems. It is sad that you grew up believing you were not as good as your brothers. As we know depression is a dreadful beast.

And now you are working in an animal shelter. That is tremendous. These animals give us love and loyalty so much and help us when we are down. Do you feel better on the days you are at the shelter? I think being a volunteer in whatever you can does have its own rewards. It's good to know you are doing this to help others rather than because the boss says so.

I hope you will continue to post replies here and on other threads as you have a lot to offer. I have just a read your reply on another thread. Great stuff.

Mary

[Kazzl]

Welcome Baz, I'm Kaz. 😊 And I'm a fellow bipolar traveller. Yep, sometimes the hard times won't leave me alone either (good song choice!).

Thank you for sharing your story. You have certainly been through the mill, but you're getting on with life, volunteering and giving back - which makes you a very productive member of society in my book.

I hope you will feel welcome and safe here to talk more about your experiences. It is very helpful and comforting to talk to others who really understand.

It's great to hear that you have made peace with yourself. I'm still working on that bit. I'm fairly recently diagnosed with bipolar (had depression off and on most of my adult life) and while I agree having a name for it is helpful, I am also looking back over so much now and wondering how things might have been different if I knew then what I know now.

I'd love to hear more about how you came to terms with your illness and yourself. Also, are you on medication now or are you drug-free? (I'm just starting on lithium).

Thank you for joining us Baz.

Kaz

xxx

[Baz1956]

Dear Kaz, Thnks so much for the warm welcome. It's a real blessing to find a community like this and I'm hoping I can give support to others travelling the sometimes dark trail. I'm still on two medications, both of which are holding me at the moment. As for learning to accept myself warts and all I've had some fantastic support from a community based mental health team who have encouraged me to rethink my life story. They have shown me that even though I might not have had a career I'm still trying to give back to the community and that has been a real light bulb moment for me. I hope the medication works for you and that you too come to realise what a kind person you are by welcoming me so warmly. yours sincerely, Baz.

[Baz1956]

Dear Starwolf, I have been bowled over by the warm BB welcome. I already feel at home and hope to both give and receive support . I'm turning 60 next month so I figured it was time to make peace with myself after a life time of self doubt and guilt. I hope you don't wait as long as I did to call a truce. Warm Regards, Baz.

[Baz1956]

Dear White rose, Your right John Denver does have many songs which are beautifully written and make the spirits soar. Thanks so much for the BB welcome. I'm really touched that I've had people respond to my story. I'm looking forward to being part of the community here. Kind Regards, Baz.

[geoff]

hi Baz or is Barry better, age doesn't matter does it, well I'm 61 and 62 this year and often say to my 2 sons 'I'm getting old' and they reply 'yes Dad you are', well never would I think I'd hear that, but with age comes a lot of wisdom and experience, so that's one attribute we have.
With bipolar also comes along other issues which can cause other problems, so it's great to have you on board where we can help you and you can help us, so welcome. Geoff.

[Just Sara]

Welcome Baz;

You're obviously an astute and intelligent man. It's inspiring to see you're managing your illness and seem settled. I love John Denver too. Growing up I knew all the words to his songs and would sing my lungs out (while nobody else was there) with joy and abandonment.

Your story sounds similar to mine. I've had problems my whole life and thought I was just being selfish and weak. So I strived to become strong and 'relevant'. When I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD, the penny dropped.

I spoke with a sexual assault counsellor the other morning and she asked; if I could nurture myself with anything, without problems or barriers of family etc, what would it be? I said; "To cry without guilt" As a single mum, falling apart was a luxury. There was always something more important. Growing up as the eldest of 4, feeling sad for myself was my secret.

As sufferers of mental health issues, we have a right to fall apart every now and then. I call it; 'knocking the top off the pressure cooker'.

I agree with your sentiment of wanting to feel productive and a community contributor. I was forced to medically retire 2 yrs ago and now at 56, I crave challenge and feeling valuable. But it has forced me to 'do' for me instead of focusing on others. I've benefited from this.

So kudos for the courage to join BB and open up the way you have. I'm sure you'll be a valuable contributor.

Thankyou...Dizzy

[White_Rose]

Dizzy. Every time I read one of your posts I am blown away by your positive attitude (and by your awesome sister). Glad you share my love of John Denver. I too love his songs and sing them whenever no one is around, and in the car where I get strange looks from people in cars next to me at the lights. May be we should start a new thread asking people what they do to feel happy. For me it's singing. I also love other music, in particular Handel's Messiah. I used to conduct the orchestra, and I did it very well because they never made a mistake. If one of my children heard the music they would say, "Lookout, mom's got the Messiah on". I think it was because of my expertise in conducting and they were in such awe.

I know I have heard your story but I think my memory is going, or maybe I just confused. I had not realised what a horrible experience you had as a child. At least I presume as a child.

I think my choice of nurture is to forgive myself. I find that hard. I'm not sure I deserve it. I started to write the reason and got cold feet. Maybe one day.

We may have the right to fall apart but the fallout afterwards is too devastating.

Thanks for your good wishes for Tuesday. This whole thing started last year with breast cancer and has affected so many other things in my life. As the kids say "I'm over it".

Mary