Hi my name is Barry, but everyone calls me Baz. I'm 59 years old and was diagnosed with bipolar in 1992. In a way having a name for the feelings of nervousness and depression was a relief. I'd always thought I was just weak. I compared myself to others especially my three brothers all of whom I thought were better men than I was. When I look back to my teens I can see now that I was suffering from a mental illness. I moved from job to job. From relationship to relationship and as a result felt like a real failure.
I was 40 when I was first put on anti depressants and mood stabilisers it was shortly after that that I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. Since then my journey has been very up and down, but then that is the nature of the illness. I've had quite a few stays in hospital and more recently a stay in a respite facility not far from where I live.
Last year I was taken off anti depressants because the doctors felt that they were causing me to bounce from depression to mild mania. I remember thinking at the time, 'How will I cope without them', but the fact is I'm doing much better. In the past I'd get a bit manic and take on a new job in a flurry of mania, only to end up a couple of months later anxious, lost and severely depressed.
For my wife and family watching me on this endless cycle caused them a lot of worry. After my last admission to hospital My wife and daughter convinced me to forget paid work and think about doing some volunteering instead. For once I listened to their advice and now volunteer at animal shelter a couple of mornings a week. I still have times when I feel that I'm not a productive member of society, but when these feelings arise I try not to fuse with them and so avoid a downward spiral.
I guess for me my illness had two sides to it. Firstly the anxiety of everyday living and secondly some pretty unhelpful childhood memories. With the help of a great GP and the support of a community based mental health team I've been able to tackle my illness on both fronts. I've made peace with myself about things in the past and I'm trying each day to work on my anxiety.
There's a line in a John Denver song that goes", Some days are diamonds some days are stones," and I reckon that's true for everyone who suffers from mental illness. I'm slowly learning that the secret is not to panic when I have one or two bad days. That life and living are about making the best of things despite being bipolar.
