New to the forum

[Sharny]

Hi, I'm new to the forum and share my story after years of having it concealed. I'm 44 years old and have two children 13 and 10. My struggles started at 19 whilst at university but I didnt know what they were. I suffered from major depressive disorder and remember several things happening to me including riding around on trams avoiding lectures and tuts along with many other symptoms of depression including thoughts of shame, guilt. I finished my degree with all this going on but never sought help. My need to withdraw from people for periods of time or not being able to keep up with all of the socialising I put down to a personal weakness.

One period of time which still hurts is after getting married at 27 to an amazing husband and father to my two children. The period of time I refer to is after the birth of my first child. I experienced my first manic episode, extreme euphoria and manic symptoms on day 6 of my childs birth. I remember instantly feeling lifted and only having 1 hour sleep roughly per night, pacing the house and sometimes running down the hallway to accomplish 'urgent' tasks. My brain was driving this insanity. My baby was putting on weight nicely, beautifully cared for by myself but I couldnt recognise that I was actually ill. I kept on the pursuit of looking after my babys needs and being the most nurturing mum. During my hospital stay I was convinced on day 2 that my breastmilk would poison the baby so I ordered formula and told the nurses it was best. When then enquired I got short with them telling them I'm in control of this but not revealing the reason. When we were at home I then started thinking the formula can was poisoned ordering my husband or 'instructing ' him with brute force to purchase new ones on my demand.

Despite these behaviours I never sought help, my husband became worried but I kept telling him I'm fine. After all, the health nurse always complimented me on a job well done. When the mania ceased, my motor ran down to depressive side, feelings of extreme guilt took over. I couldnt leave house for a few months and only reconnected us to a local playgroup when my baby turned 10 mths.

As my kids are now 10 and 13 I feel immense guilt and being diagnosed bipolar. They have been protected and I have never experienced mania again thankfully. I have been well for some time and my children are doing well in school and socially still the diagnosis and isolation in not tellling anyone still grinds at me.

[white knight]

Hi Sharny welcome

Thanks for your story, its so unique like so many here.

Did you feel relief once diagnosed? I know i did, it connected all the dots.

i hope you find our site beneficial. Guilt about past events and actions don't serve us well. Worry is non productive. In fact it can be destructive but easier says than done to eliminate it.

Follow up treatment wouldn't be a waste if time if your worrying gets out if hand cheers

Tony WK

[Sharny]

Hi Tony,

Thank you for your response. I'm not sure I felt relieved after diagnosis but certainly that what I had experienced had an actual name. I'm still dealing with the illness and when I say I'm well what I actually mean is that I still have cycles but they don't appear on the same scale as I've experienced. When I cycle it appears as hypomania not full blown mania which is in my experience easier to manage (but not saying its easy of course). I get restless, irritable, and really try to slow things off when I feel it appearing to be able to cope. The depressive side shows itself too but its all smaller scaled. I find living with this illness a challenge because I'm wary of the massive manic episode I've experienced and feel that however it happens, comes out that it could be a possibility again particularly during menopause. I find the battle is knowing how much to take on, I've spent years trying to find the right family balance of activities that keep everyone engaged but also myself healthy in the process. I'm thankful its presenting on a lighter scale than before but I can still have feelings during depressive episode which are harder to shift, that numbness that my inner just can't 'feel' happiness not matter what, it keeps me down. After a period of time it lifts. I havent had any delusions with the depressive spurts. I used to feel I deserved to be punished, that thick set guilt, the worst I've ever had. I do find it harder to concentrate during some of the depressive episodes but not as much debilitation as prior.

Sometimes the feelings I get living in secrecy really get to me. I feel I'm living a lie and it makes feelings of inadequacy stretch in my mind. I feel that it doesnt matter how many compliments I get through the voluntary work I do or other areas of functioning in the home and my kids sports clubs, my mind always feels if those people knew they would change their opinion of me pretty quickly. I've struggled with this hidden part of our lives for years because when I feel I need to lessen the load and I reach out to do so by making small statements etc referring to how many social arrangements we've got on etc some people still expect lots and then I get overwhelmed placing myself and the family on dicey ground. I'm a people pleaser. I've seen myself go from not being able to function at one point pretty badly and I never want that level of disengagement again, however I can only do so many things within each week.

[white knight]

There's lots of threads here you can read.

As an example ( google) even if you just read the first post of the thread

Topic: they just won't understans- why?- beyondblue

Topic: worry is non productive- beyondblue

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Kazzl]

Hi Sharny - I am very pleased to meet you. Your posts have touched me deeply and I want to thank you for so articulately describing what it's like - including the fear, shame and desire for secrecy.

I have bipolar too hun. Only fairly recently diagnosed after years of being treated for clinical depression. I'd suspected It for quite a while, but couldn't face it. Then the rapid cycling got to the point where I knew I had to get help. I've just started on lithium.

It's not it an easy thing to accept is it? For me one of the hardest things is thinking back to things I've done or ways I've 'been' in the past and getting angry because if I'd known then that I had bipolar, maybe some of the bad things (when I was clearly hypomanic) could have been avoided.

But, there's no point looking back. On the positive side, at least now I know why I am like I am. And, did you know it's often genetic? So, in the words of Lady Gaga, baby I was born this way! 😊

I've thought about it a lot lately, about my attitude, the perceptions of others and so on. I am open about it with family, friends and work colleagues. And I've decided to take the approach that it is a chronic illness, no better, no worse, no different in many ways to a physical condition. People with chronic physical illnesses get treatment, live normal lives, and receive support from others, and don't need to 'hide' their conditions. Why should a mental illness be any different?

I don't mean you have to tell the world - who you tell what to is entirely your business. But there is no reason to be ashamed. None at all. You are clearly a very intelligent woman who has managed very well. You're self-aware, you've worked out the need for balance and you've got on with your life, you're a good mum and your concern for others tells me you would be a wonderful person to your family and friends. You should feel very proud of yourself!

Just one other thing I'm trying hard to make myself do - describe myself as 'having' bipolar, not 'being' bipolar. As I said, it's just a chronic condition, an abnormality in the balance of our brain chemicals. It is not who we are, it's what we have. It does not, or need not, define us.

Are you being treated at the moment Sharny? I'd be interested to hear more about your experiences with doctors etc.

A big hug to you hun. I'd love to chat more with you.

Kaz

[selftruth]

Hi Sharny. Thanks for your post and honesty. I know when I got my diagnosis after my second hospitalization for mental illness I had a sense of relief. For myself I struggle day to day with my chronic depression despite being medicated and trying to do all the right things. This is a great forum for support and honest coping mechanism. I wish you well. Self truth

[Sharny]

Hi Kaz,

Wow I like the way you have dealt with your mental health. I love the way you mention that you are open with your family and friends about your illness. It's something that I would like to do with some key people one day myself but have as usual had a dabble with the idea momentarily and now decided to back away from the idea.

I do have a psychiatrist that I can go to but have not for some time. I've explored natural therapies for a number of years now. I find for me, taking that avenue has still been a learning process. I think the depressive side can be incredibly hard to lift, none of it is easy. Key things I've got in place are eating habits (covering lots of healthy vitamins with emphasis on B groups especially, no caffine, excercising 1 hour daily walking, yoga and meditation. I have a natropath and take what she makes me. My moods are managed with all of these things, at present I don't want to do pharmacy. If I feel things sliding to full blown manic then I will need to go back to the psychiatrist. I've been debilitated pretty large scale before at my worst but for me i feel i can handle the level things are now. I do go through cycles but this is just something I've wanted to try.

I love the way you take on and embrace telling yourself you 'have' bipolar. I have seen two psychiatrists in the past, both said I had major depressive disorder initially and then because i had mania it was diagnosed bipolar.

Mental illness no matter what the diagnosis is a tough illness. xx

Really nice to meet you and would love to share more chatting on the forum.

[Sharny]

Hi Self truth,

Nice to meet you. thank you for your response and I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with depression. I hope you find more support here and thank you for welcoming me too!

[Kazzl]

Hi Sharny, thanks for coming back! I think you're doing great things to manage your condition. I have a psych friend who says that taking care of five key things is essential for our wellbeing - eating well, getting proper sleep, not abusing substances, exercising, and actively minimising stress. I'm not good with some of them (I smoke and don't exercise, and have an often stressful job). But it sounds like you're doing well with them.

I'm glad you've got professional help available if you need it.

Being open about mental illness isn't easy. But one thing I have noticed is that no one reacts in horror or seems to think less of me. Mostly people are supportive (they think I'm brave haha, at least that's what they say). And, often, it gives them 'permission' to talk about their own problems, or those of a family member or friend with mental illness. And they find that a relief. I've been amazed that so many people, when they know my story, have stories of their own, either themselves or a family member etc. The very sad thing is that quite a number of them have told me about a family member who suicided.

I've realised that mental health problem are far more common than we think, and that once people start talking it's cathartic. Even so, it is by no means easy, and I have wondered if I've become 'that woman with bipolar'. But that's probably just my own paranoia.

So Sharny, when you're on an 'up' do you have trouble concentrating and focusing on a task? I do, my mind goes wherever it wants to which can be a problem at work. I'm going up at the moment (after weeks of down) and yesterday I could not focus at work, I just wanted to play. I had to stop myself flitting about talking to people and disturbing them and I spent a good part of the day listening to music with headphones on (desperately wanting to sing loudly!). It's a bugger. I like 'ups' like that, but they can happen at inconvenient times. 😄

Do you have any strategies for maintaining focus when you need to?

It is so wonderful to have someone to talk to about this!

Cheers hun

Kaz

[Sharny]

Hi Kaz,

Lovely to hear from you again! I didnt see this one on the thread until now.That's so nice to know that you have received supportive reactions to your illness. I admire that you have been able to share and find it interesting that it is common because when suffering the illness it feels like your the only one. It's the isolating nature of the illness. I guess that's why psychiatrist and psychologist sessions never seem long enough!

You asked with reference to my hypomanic symptoms, yes I do find it hard concentrating when they appear but also the depressive side is like that too. I'm in a position where even though I'm President of a school committee and Secretary of sports club in a voluntary sense, I actually don't have a paid job to attend to. If you know what volunteering is like though I do have quite a bit of that to do but I schedule the work out so in a sense apart from running to a part time set hours like job I've been spared of that. Before we had children I worked full time even with the illness in a professional job as an accountant in a 2nd tier Accounting firm. Very busy role, corporate in the city. Sometimes I wonder how I coped with the illness hanging around. When we decided to have children it was intended all along that I be stay at home mother raising them. My life with the onset of bipolar after having depressive illness prior just turned things around and with plans to attend back in some capacity when the children started school just made my husband nervous, he didnt want to over load me.

So given this, I can focus on meditation, yoga and direct more time toward it when I'm hypomanic and restless. For me this helps, it doesnt fully take it away it just shifts it more. I find when the depressive state comes I'm edgy looking for escapism of thoughts, its also hard to shift. Again meditation and increased walking together with my natropath herbs etc help me.

All the best!