Hello, sad and new to the site.

[Nonny]

A bad day and just want to feel connected to someone.

I know in so many ways that I am lucky I hate feeling sorry for myself. A life time (30 plus years) of depression and medications have kept me here ... I have severe chronic health issues (though a new medication may help). My children are adults and have their own lives, I had to resign my job because my illness makes it difficult to work. My partner of 7 years, is lovely but very anxious and doesn't understand. His children don't see me as part of the family. I'm lost and struggle to keep my perspective.

[white knight]

Hi nonny, welcome

I have a ffew ideas or thoughts.

You are with your partner and although it would be nice for his children to be more friendly it is him you need to focus on.

Google...

Topic: they just won't understand, why?- beyondblue

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Hope they give you that perspective you need.

Tony WK

[Nonny]

Thank you Tony,

I'll look up the sites you kindly posted. You're right of course and I have no right to want to be a part of something that is long standing, it never occurred to me that I was to be grandparent to his grandchildren. It hurts and despite all my best efforts creates issues for us. Life can be pretty tough and I try to count my blessings but that dam black cloud perseveres. Fingers crossed for the new infusions. Chin and socks up.

[SimplyMe_37]

Hi Nonny, I'm new here too. Like yourself I have been struggling with depression for over 15 years but this year its just overwhelmed me and I can't get on top of this unexplainable roller coaster of emotions i'm going through right now. Like you I have my husband who loves me but is unsure what i'm going through. we have two young children and its not easy to tell them that Mummy is not feeling well and just needs time out. This weather doesn't help either, when I'm feeling like this I tend to go out and go to markets to distract me but couldn't do that today. How did your day go?

[Nonny]

Hello SimplyMe,

Thank you for your post.

My heart bleeds for you. I remember how hard it was with young children and depression (regardless of medication, the newer meds are much better though). I can see the difficulties young parents have around me in today's busy world, depression is an extra you could well do without. I love that you have a way of distracting yourself. I wonder what has happened this year for you that has pre-empted the roller coaster?

I ticked off another day. It was bad weather here too, I had no car to get out and walking is difficult. My partner arrived home after his weekend away with his family, which is always a bit tricky. We both try but it's hard. I went to bed early.

My goodness after keeping all this to myself for what seems like ever it is nice to talk about it.

I hope today is looking better for you and you lovely family. I have appointments and my dog to teach a new trick. x

[Kazzl]

Hello Nonny, welcome to the forum. It is good to talk isn't it. I think that's a feeling many people share here. Opening up to others who genuinely do understand, because we've all 'been there' one way or another, is truly cathartic. Good to have you here.

I'd want to say hi and welcome to SimplyMe too. Welcome! I'd like to get to know you both better if you want to talk. Nonny I suspect we're of similar age - I have grown up daughters, one living overseas. And Simply, oh I remember how hard it is going through depression with little ones around. I have much admiration for you.

Nonny I noticed you posted in support of another member (Buttons) too - thank you.

How are you today?

Kaz

[Nonny]

Hi Kaz,

Thank you so much for your post and asking how I am. My children are adults in their 30s so we may be of similar age. I'm finding it all a bit hard at the moment, everywhere I turn seems awkward and difficult. I wish I could make decision about... well anything.

[White_Rose]

Dear Nonny

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. As you have been discovering, being able to talk about your difficulties is fantastic. It vindicates us and our feelings and includes us in the world.

Depression is the pits and when that black dog gets its teeth into you it is so painful. Then while you struggle with this along comes another problem which knocks you off course. It's not fair of course but then the world is not fair.

I have to say I am a bit puzzled why you cannot attend family gathering with your partner. I know there are tensions with new partners and families, but why are you left out? If your partner's children want to see him this should include you. It's actually an insult to him to expect him to leave you behind as if they disapprove of you and want him to pretend you do not exist. And I think this is what you believe but feel you ought not say.

How does he interact with your children? Is he welcomed as your partner? How would he feel if he had to stay at home while you go visiting? I think this has a huge potential to make a crack in your relationship. I don't like going to my family gatherings because I know my ex will be there. But I don't expect my children to ban him because I am uncomfortable. I make my preparations and ignore him as far as possible. My relationship with my children and grandchildren is not something I want to compromise.

Not all the pills in the world will help you feel OK about this. ADs do not cure depression and anxiety. They help to give you a good base to work from. They are to stop you having huge mood swings, reduce anxiety and help keep you stable. But you will still have some moods, thoughts and feelings which you must learn to manage. Meds keep you stable. After that it's up to you to work at getting well.

You said that the new antidepressants are better than the old ones. This is not necessarily true. The older ADs tend to have fewer side effects and have a broader application. I spent years trying SSRI and SNRI drugs and had horrendous problems. Now I am feeling good taking a tricyclic drug, an oldie but a goodie. If your meds don't work, ask your doctor to try something different. I gather the new drug you are going to trial is for other physical health problems. I hope this works for you. Living with pain and disability is so exhausting. and no matter whether or not you are depressed, pain will certainly make you feel worse.

May I suggest you talk to your partner about family meetings.

Mary

[Nonny]

Dear Mary,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply, you’re very sweet.

I doubt the adult children would think of their behavior as an insult to their dad. I think they believe my behavior is the problem and I am increasing their dad’s anxiety unnecessarily. I would never ask my partner to stop seeing his children. I can’t face the four parents responsible having receiving some nasty emails that still haunt my thoughts. So, it’s my choice not to go. Not going to events doesn't work for me anymore than going does. But they get their mum and dad and family back together. My partner gets to see his children, their spouses, ex and grandchildren.

My partner and I have been together for seven years and when we met he had been divorced for ten years. There was no real warmth from his adult children to me they seem to have an exclusive family relationship. I tried everything I knew, dinners, texts and calls that didn’t get replied to, helping out when I could etc. For the first six years my partner’s adult children let me know their feelings by accidentally leaving me out of photos, wouldn’t let me sit next to him at his daughter’s wedding, stopped talking when I came into the room and so on. I’m sure they would see this differently. Dad and kids have and do keep in good contact with each other.

From what I can see my children have worked hard to make sure he felt included and he has never said anything different. I have seen many instances where they have tried hard to include him, organising one on one coffee catchups and movies, asking advice about significant events and so on. One of mine lives with their little family interstate so it’s harder for them, but his picture is on their fridge and he is known to their child as a grandparent. He doesn’t visit them with me and avoids skype conversations. My partner said it wouldn’t worry him if they liked him or not, which also breaks my heart. Maybe he was just reacting at the time.

Without boring you too much, I have a refractory chronic illness, which seems to have cost me not only my job, ability to do things and friends but any scraps of me I used to have. Any stress causes an almost immediate painful, inflammatory reaction I hope the new meds help because they look like a last chance. There is little quality of life right now.

Thank you for listening to this disjointed ramble. I’ll talk to my doctor about the older AD’s. I've taking AD's for decades so maybe it times to go back to the start.
x

[White_Rose]

Nonny, I am so sad to learn how your partner's family see you. Yes, I can see how you would prefer not to attend family gatherings. It's strange that a family who keep in touch with each other and enjoy being together can shut out someone, but talking will not change that and you need to do the best you can in the circumstances.

If your partner feels he would not be upset being left out of your family occasions then I can see why he does not understand your hurt. What a great shame.

I think I can relate a little to your illness. I was away from work for nearly six months with post viral fatigue. Similar to chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, lupus. Aching various joints and fatigue. I know they are all different but have symptoms in common such aches and fatigue. I am sorry you have this condition. It must make life very difficult for you to do anything and certainly disinclined to go anywhere. I hope the new meds will help you to enjoy a better quality of life.

Do you have any hobbies or activities that make your life brighter? I like making clothes for my grandchildren, though they are all growing up now and have different ideas on what constitutes suitable clothing. I also like embroidery and reading.

Would you like to spend more time on the web site, writing to the many people who need support and information? Perhaps you can rummage around the various forums and read the posts others have written. Join in one or two conversations and see what you can offer. It's surprising how our general life experience can help someone having a difficult time. And the best part is you can stop when you get tired or in pain. I hope you will consider this. No experience necessary, just join in. You will be very welcome.

Mary