New to the forum, need someone to talk to

[W_Lee]

I have never been part of a forum or spoken about my feelings or personal situation before, but I feel like I am very isolated and have no one to confide in. I don't really know how to go about getting help or how to ask for it so I am just going to type my feelings and explain my situation.
I have been married for 21 years, have 3 kids 9, 15 and 17. My marriage has been shaky I guess for the last 10 years or so. My husband and I seem to have different values than we did when we were first married. Many of our arguments are about respect and me feeling insignificant and unimportant. I have many times expressed my feelings to my husband and not much happens. He makes me feel stupid for feeling that way and since I am not good at defending myself on the spot, I am unable to properly express/defend my feelings. I have been living like this for years and just have accepted my life for the sake of my kids happiness. One is doing VCE and I don't want to add any more stress to her life, so I have just let things be. I recently, by accident, discovered my husband is watching a lot of porn and may even be watching live porn. I am not sure how I should feel about this or if I should confront him. I know if I do it will mean almost definitely complete marriage breakdown and if I don't I am going to lose my mind. I have had migraines every day since I found out and the stress of knowing that he is watching this stuff late at night turns my stomach and I am not sure how I will ever be close to him again. Is there any advise anyone can give me on how to deal with this please?

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I am not sure if you will find some connection with what I am about to say... In my younger days I would be teased, criticised for having an alternative opinion. I would learn that it was not worthwhile expressing my thoughts as those reactions are what I expected. And i also felt insignificant. Carrying this around for many years was not helpful.

You also did a good job of writing and asking for help. Writing about ourselves can be difficult. It also shows strength or courage in being vulnerable in a space like this.

I know you indicated you have no one to confide in... Is there anyone in your family or friends you might be able to chat with about what is happening. We are all good at hiding the bad stuff in our lives. If you were able to talk to someone you trust you might be able to get some input from them? If not, then chatting with the counsellor might be helpful...

It sounds like thing have been a struggle for a while and now finding out your husband also watches porn sounds like the straw breaking the camels back.

My suggestion would be to chat with your husband about the effect his actions have on you. And talking in terms of "I" rather than 'you" so that he (hopefully) does not get on the defensive. If you are unable to say it, then perhaps writing your speech on paper would help. (I understood what yoiu were saying. If any consolation, you should not have be defend yourself either. ) Even though I say chatting would be good, I do not know how your husband might react.

Running out of space! Two quick things...

1. we think of the worst case when we need to chat to our partner. Sometimes clearing the air can actually be helpful.

2. there are other people on the forum here in similar positions to you - unfortunately. It is a cliche to say you are not alone, but that is how it is. 😞

You matter a deserve a healthy marriage/life. I am unsure what your goal is. I will be here listening and responding as I can.

Tim

[W_Lee]

Thankyou Tim so much for your reply. You are spot on that there is history and we have basically just been living together for quite some time now and I guess I am not totally surprised at my discovery but when confronted with the reality it feels like betrayal. I am not sure of what to do at this point, but communicating somehow I think a good way to go,but will take some courage. We have emailed each other in the past because I find it easier to express my feelings while not under pressure, that has been successful in the past. He often gets really defensive and angry and I prefer to avoid an aggressive confrontation. Another thought I had was to say nothing and try to improve our relationship by being more intimate, although this will be difficult knowing what I know. Unfortunately I don't have family I can speak to and I am not comfortable talking to friends about it. I appreciate your help and prefer the anonymity of this forum.

[smallwolf]

OK. If you feel you do not have anyone to talk to ... you can chat here and/or talk to a professional? And it is also OK if you prefer the anonymity here. We can only do what we are comfortable doing... to a degree. (I had to put that last bit in as there are some things my psychologist said I had to talk about with my wife.)

if you do a google search form

beyond blue husband porn

you will find many other stories on the forums here you can look at and see what other people have done or read their thoughts.

It seems as though you are stuck what to do. You could always write out the pros and cons of each option - to talk or not to talk.

Where do you think the marriage went astray with your husband?

Hope you don't mind if I ask questions. And please do not feel pressured to answer them.

Tim

[W_Lee]

Thanks Tim, will have a look for those other threads.

It was about 11 years ago when his mother died. He has never been the same and has become selfish and cold toward me. We rarely agree on anything. He loves being with his friends but never includes me when it comes to work functions or going out. He always says its a "boys night" and I stay home with the kids waiting til all hours.

Really don't want to destroy the family and destroy the home my kids love so much. No idea what I am going to do.

[quirkywords]

W Lee

i want to welcome you to the forum.!

Smallwolf has given you lots of suggestions. Feel free to come and post here as often as you like.

[golden82]

Hi W. Lee.

You have been given some good ideas. I would suggest talking to a counsellor or psychologist - just you. To tell your story and have a space where you can think it out. You can find some not too expensive, some even no charge. But you would have to get a referral from dr for that.

I think your points are very valid. Also it is easier as an outsider to tell you how you deserve to be treated with respect. but we accept more than we should. You could talk this through with a professional.

I don't believe you should have to be silent or be worried to have a voice because of his reaction. You deserve better treatment than that.

Also re you being excluded at work events..that also sounds pretty controlling and again you have no voice. Invisible and all that. Let alone left at home with responsibilities.

It sounds to me like narcissistic behaviour and i would encourage you to read about this. If you think so too.. it can be very harmful for the victim of it and wellbeing and a psychologist can help. I have had these sorts of ppl around for years and only last little while seeing it and the damage done.

I don't want to alarm you and only you know your situation. But the red flags are there. Including your lacking in confidence in worrying about him above you.

I wish you and your children well.

[smallwolf]

Do you think he ever got over the death of his mother? Did he talk to you much about the death of his mother?

On not knowing what to do... take however long it takes! Nothing worse that a hasty decision. And please be kind to yourself and know you are deserving of a happy life.

[CyP]

Hi, and welcome to the online forum. I’m sorry to hear that things have been challenging for you for quite some time. It sounds like you’ve been trying to find moments to communicate your feelings and thoughts to your husband, but much emotions have made it difficult.

Like you said, thinking on the spot can be real hard when couples feel emotional about a matter. I like the email idea, which allow time and space to collect and organise your thoughts in writing, and leave it for the other person to read when their headspace is ready. I wonder if you would consider to give it ago again? Or text messages, perhaps?

Sometimes when things feel a bit ‘tense’ between me and my partner, I remind myself to keep my words brief and my voice calm/neutral, and say little comments like

‘thank you’, ‘that was helpful’, ‘ I really appreciate/needed the help with the [whatever they’ve done for the household, e.g. shopping]’.

I think what I try to do is to show that I’m here and I care, and leave that with my partner.

I’m not sure what to say to the porn, because I would find it very tricky to approach that conversation too. There are many reasons for people to access porn.

It seems that the frequent migraines is your body telling you that you’re under stress. I also support the idea of seeking some counselling. Sometimes the sheer act of talking can help reduce the weight and the ‘cloudiness’ on our minds. I wonder if it help to get an opinion from your GP about the migraines, and perhaps a referral to an appropriate counselling service that suits your circumstance?

Just know that this is a safe place to share our experiences. Feel free to use the forum anytime for peer support.

[W_Lee]

Thankou all so much for your replies and advice. I am going to think about all you have said and sit on it for a while before reacting. I am seeing my GP on Monday about my migraines and if I find the courage to ask about this situation I will do that too, but my doctor is also my husbands dr and they are good mates. I am not sure how things will work out, I only know I am not happy with things as they are.