New to the forum- introducing myself

Enid_33 · ‎17-07-2016

Hi,

I am a 33 year old female who has been managing depression, anxiety and PTSD since childhood/early teens. I feel like my life is a bit like a yo yo of ups and downs, sadly the ups at the moment are just 'barely coping' and the downs keep me away from work for long periods of time and unable to leave the house for weeks. I am lucky to have a husband doing his very best to understand and offer support but I can not escape the feeling that I am ruining his life and having grown up caring for a parent who was mentally ill and knowing how scary it can be when someone is suicidal/severely depressed, It just feeds into my feelings of guilt and worthlessness. What has changed and what has brought me to the forum is I've made a commitment to try and do small things every day/week that are different or could bring about some hope. I am also returning to work tomorrow and I have been in a state of high anxiety all day, so I thought maybe sharing these thoughts and introducing myself would be something useful.

I look forward to engaging with you all further and offering support.

Be

blondguy · ‎17-07-2016

Hello Be

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting!

The yo yo's (roller coaster ride of depression) can be a pain. I feel for you as have been going through the same since 1995. It hurts.

Caring for a parent that has a mental illness is a monumental effort and good on you for doing so. You are not ruining your husbands' life by having anxiety/depression. Its like if you have been injured in a car accident and you are feeling like your are ruining your husbands' life by being physiologically damaged. There is no difference with anxiety or depression. Anxiety/depression are chemically based issues which makes them physical in nature anyway, except that others including us cant see the 'invisable crutches'.

Guilt can be a pain too but is man made especially from sensitive/caring people as you and I. The worthlessness is another matter......it can occur from a sense of despair or even basic low self esteem caused by your own depression and especially caring for a parent.

If I may ask if you have a good GP/counselor that you have been using to help you? The forums are rock solid secure to protect your privacy Enid. (and mine 🙂

I see that you have been unable to leave the house for weeks. Forgive me for guessing but do you mean mild agoraphobia? I only mention it as I have difficulty walking my dog around the block and need to be near my 'safe' place. (if I am barking up the wrong tree please let me know)

I know work will go okay for you tomorrow and my kind thoughts for both you and your parent

It would be great if you could write back 🙂 (if you wish of course)

Paulx

Music_Freak · ‎17-07-2016

Welcome to the forum 🙂

My mum was bi polar, so I can relate to how difficult it is to care for a parent with mental illness. It was just me and her a lot of the time

Taking baby steps is good, I'm trying to do the same thing. While on a break from my psychologis, I joined here and it's been great for me...now to go back to my psych...one thing at a time 🙂

The ever present roller coaster does suck, but I figure my depression and anxiety issues are what make me, me, so I may as well make myself at home.

geoff · ‎18-07-2016

dear Enid, the pressure you feel by caring for a parent who has now become mentally unstable after all those years of raising you up to be an adult is not only disappointing but very discouraging, because they were the pinnacle to our education whether that was good or whether it was something we always dreaded and left memories that we don't want to remember, but now in a position where you are the only one who needs to care for them or perhaps it may only be one parent, but this will change your life, especially if you are married.
By doing this is going to change your own personality, because Enid you have a husband you want to please, so this puts you in a 3 way situation, look after your husband, while looking after your parent and probably more important is to look after yourself, in other words it's a 2 way pull and then trying to anchor yourself to what you want to do, it's not easy please believe me.
Your husband is just trying to make you feel a bit more comfortable, and that's what you need, to feel as though he is there to support you, and I'm sure there will be times when you are doing exactly the same for him, that's what a marriage should be, but the illness's you are trying to cope with are certainly never easy to overcome, only because they hang around and come back in force to make you sick, but to return to work is a great step forward even though it may not feel like that.
Remember that it would be wise to seek some form of counselling because at times we don't feel as though we should talk about a problem with our other half, and when this happens then a barrier between the both of you is established. Geoff. x

Enid_33 · ‎27-07-2016

Hi All

Thank you for replying to my post and welcoming me to the online community. Since posting I have unfotunately continued the downward part of that yoyo and have again been unable to return to work this week. I am seeing a psychologist and my psychiatrist, I thought I was ready to return at part time for the next month (which was difficult in itself to negotiate) and now the fact that I have failed in doing that is very upsetting and feels as though all the effort is for naught. I worry every minute that I will end up losing my job and not be able to find another which is just not an option as I help support my mother who is on a disability pension and in private rent (still on the waitlist for homeswest).

Anyway because of my failure, today is going to be a hard day, so I am trying to spend my time with my three dogs and two cats, outside to get some sun, but even that seems so draining today. I look forward to reading some posts from other people experiencing similar feelings and setbacks to get some hope/motivation (hopefully)!!

Take care everyone.