New to Beyond Blue

[Geoffik]

Hi All,

I'm new to this group and feeling very very down at the moment. I know that I can get taken down easily when something happens with a woman, it could be small like I have done something wrong and they are upset or they make me upset. And it could be a girlfriend or a friend. It gets me to a point where I can't eat and I'm feeling very tired. I'm a single parent with 2 girls and they notice when I'm down constantly asking if I'm ok? They see it very easily and I don't want them too. I find it hard to focus, get motivated and all I want to do is escape this place. I'm not hurting myself, but sometimes I do think about checking out. I find that when I talk to my friends, I take up a lot of their time and talk about my issues and not theirs. I feel like I use them all the time which is not fair.

I never smile and I don't like it when people tell me to smile as I just don't see what there is to smile about. I have techniques to try and get me out of depressive moods that I get myself into but most times - it's just all too hard. This damp and dark feeling that I have I just want it to go away and never return. I know my depression mostly comes from feelings of loneliness and abandonment. But it's just constant. I don't think very highly of myself and I have zero self confidence right now. I'm hoping that there is someone that I can reach out too on this forum or give me a hand.

thank you.

Geoffik

[Sophie_M]

Hey Geoffik,

Thanks for reaching out today,

We're so sorry to hear how down you are feeling. You've mentioned feeling as though you're easily upset when something happens with a woman. Did something happen recently that caused you to feel down?

Can we ask if you are receiving mental health support? Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial.

You might also like to contact MensLine Australia. It is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

[yggdrasil]

Hi Geoffik,

Thank you for posting on this forum. I relate a lot to everything you've said.

I think lots of men are carrying a lot of pain. At the same time, we all desperately want to be good men, to be the best example of what our society, culture or subculture expects us to be, and rarely does that involve being in serious pain. For me, I know this pain has meant its very hard to sit with any possibility that I'm not a perfect man. But the reality is I can never be perfect. The society I'm a part of isn't perfect. It places many intense, contradictory demands on me. I have weaknesses like everyone else, sometimes I don't live up to expectations. Sometimes the expectations on me are unfair or even dangerous.

I think it's this tension plays out in our interactions with women. For me at least, it can be an almost unbearable emotion to think that I've not been a perfect man, whether in reality, or even just in my partner's eyes, it doesn't matter. Getting better at "sitting with" this is very hard, but it's important to find peace with it. When you have better inner security you can push yourself and your life forward harder. Even though we can never be perfect, people are still impressed by, and respect, the pursuit.

I have found schema therapy very useful for addressing my own very deeply ingrained patterns of thought and feelings of vulnerability and inferiority around women, and in many other areas of my life. There are lots of resources online (I just worked through them myself and still found it useful.)

I also very much relate to the complexity of managing your own mental health, or the outward projection of it, to other family members, and to friends. This is very challenging. I don't think there are any easy answers. How do you think your daughters would react if, when they ask you if you're ok, you responded with something like "It's true, I am struggling, but I'm doing a number of things to try and address it: I'm jogging everyday, I'm chatting to my psychologist/counsellor/support more regularly, I've joined the local choir [or whatever strategies you're actually using.]" Do you have any friends or family that could help occasionally with any parenting practicalities (e.g. babysitting, driving to appointments, food prep etc?) Then you could also say something like "I've also reached out to auntie X to help out for the next few weeks".

Keep going mate, you sound like a great guy and it will get easier over time.

[Petal22]

Hi Geoffik,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way, I understand it’s hard to deal with our feelings sometimes but you can get better and feel better with the correct help.

We are all here as a community to listen to you if you want to tell us more ?

Please make an appointment with your gp and let them know how you are feeling, you can do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist.

Im here to chat

[geoff]

Hello Geoffik, you are definitely welcomed by those of us who reply to others and/or those who just read the many comments by different people and it's not easy to decide when you want to make a comment because you might begin and then it for hours/days before you come back and complete it.

We can't be sure if we think we've upset someone, they, in particular, may be having an awful day themselves, but we naturally believe it's all our fault, not necessarily so, and their reasons we have no idea about, simply because they haven't told us or don't feel like letting us know, that doesn't mean we can blame ourselves, however, it may seem as though it happens from one situation to another.

You can't pretend to be happy because if your girls know that you're not, then they can read your thoughts, to a certain extent, and be careful not to upset you, but this is not possible all the time.

The reason you seem to talk about yourself all the time is you want someone, not only to listen to you but understand what you are facing in life and realise why you feel this way, the trouble is that they may not want to pick up from where you left off, whereas a counsellor will be able to remember what you have said and gently bring the topic back up again as you discuss how you are feeling.

People only want you to smile to believe that you're feeling much better, but you can't do this when you're not, it's too difficult, and it's virtually impossible for someone suffering from any type of depression to smile on coy, but there are occasions when this can happen if you're with friends on a social event, but as soon this ends back you slide.

Please don't suffer alone, we'd always love to hear back from you, to know a little more about yourself.

Geoff.

[Geoffik]

Hi Sophie and thanks for replying.

My girlfriend ended our relationship in early May this year which was really devastating for me. The time of the break up was not a good time for me at all due to other issues in my life. However, we have still been in contact and have been seeing each other regularly which is making things very confusing. One minute she says we are friends where the next minute she says she still has feelings for me and is not sure if she should have broken it off with me in the first place. September is our first month of no contact but still we have been texting and seeing each other. It really hits me hard when there is no communication as this makes me feel along and abandoned.

I am seeing a therapist but I have a feeling that I need to go and see a counselor as well because my mental state is really bad at the moment. I have tried to call mens line but it's very hard to get through.

[Geoffik]

Thanks for your post.

The main problem that I have is around depression at the moment due to a break down of a relationship, especially when it was a person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. This depression is also stemming from childhood issues that I experienced being kept away from my father and the rest of my sisters due to an obsessive mother. The two issues have interlinked and have made me depressed for the past 3-4 week were it does not seem to get any better. I am on anti depressants (10mg each day) which helps a little. my only saving grace is exercise and coffee. I'm not eating well and my motivation is at an all time zero.

I am seeing my doctor on Thursday which is the same time I get my 2nd dose. I'll be asking to see a counselor as well seeing that I need more help at the moment. You mentioned that you are here to chat? Is that possible and if so I would love to chat. How would that work?