My life is a mess

[Paulin]

Didnt know where else to post so im posting here...

Im an international student here in vic...its been just over 6 months since i started living here. Im 19, and have never been away from my parents before, and man does that make me feel like a loser lol...

yeah i thought i would be all right being all independent and shit but im just not... cant do a thing on my own.. i live with my elder sis currently but i feel like such a leech cz im not paying rent or anything, while my friends and other ppl frm uni are adulting so well despite some of them being a year younger than me..some of the other international students are really struggling while im just living so lavishly compared to them, i really feel like i should be suffering more. My grades are good so far (2HDs and 2Ds) but this accomplishment just seems like another expectation met since i had plenty of time to study. I cant find a job to save my sorry ass - i do live regionally where jobs are hard to come by but thats just another stupid excuse..

sorry for the long rant but yeah i have no idea how to stop feeling like a loser who cant do shit, not until i find a job and hopefully get permission to move out and live closer to uni and finally take control of my own life. Until then i gotta change my attitude and stop worrying so damn much but idk how...any and all help will be much appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Paulin~

Welcome here to the Forum. After reading your post I can understand a bit of how you feel, however I have an idea that the whole situation is having more of an affect on you than you realize. Living away from home is not just a question of traveling to somewhere else and settling down, it is a big life upheaval that takes time to get used to.

Part of that getting used to things is examining the thought and ideas you had before and seeing if they hold true.The reason you are here is to get knowledge and a qualification, and you are doing just that. It is the most imortant thing of the lot.

So you are not letting your family down. Having a sister to live with for a bit is a pretty good half-way house, and if no job is available at the moment then you do need her hospitality. I'm sure if the situation was reversed you would be more than happy to assist here.

Circumstances do change and I'm sure you will be more independent, however as it does not depend on your efforts but simply circumstances I guess you have to be content knowing you are doing the best you can. It is a difficult lesson to learn in life, that one is sometimes limited in what one can do, it makes one feel at fault, but is simply not true.

As you have plenty of time, and your academic results are good, use some of it to enter university life, a club or society perhaps. Having things oyu enjoy to look forward to and take your mind of hassles is a wise thing to do.

Trying to compare yourself with others, younger or older, employed or not, living comfortably or frugally. All that is no help. There will always be those better or worse off. All anyone can do is look honestly at themselves and accept it if they are doing the right thing.

Some time in the future you may be a parent sending an offspring overseas to study. What advice would you give then if they felt as you do now?

Croix

[Ally_Rae]

Hey!

First of all, I think you are doing great. Being an international student is really hard and I don't think you should discount that at all. You are studying, trying to better yourself and you are already being self-reflective which is a sign of maturity. You can't wave a magic wand and suddenly be independent- it takes time. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, but please don't compare yourself to anyone else- friends, peers, siblings etc.

In my opinion, the very fact that it bothers you that you don't pay rent and don't have a job is an amazing starting point. Think of all the possibilities you have ahead of you! Channel that frustrated energy into motivation.

Start by writing down what being 'independent' means to you. Then, using that idea, write a list of goals: where do you want to be? What do you want to be able to do? Break those goals down into tinier, 'do-able' tasks. Then, set yourself a time frame in which to do them.

Have you looked online for jobs? Look at websites such as Seek, Indeed, Jora etc. However, I find that knocking on the front door of a place is usually the better option, and it would probably go a long way in a regional area as well. Have you tried applying for any jobs that you can do remotely from your home? Have you asked the university to get you in touch with anyone? Just make sure it is all approved for your student visa 🙂 and make sure you are paid the right wage. If you really feel like you can't get a job, use all that free time volunteering your time somewhere- any experience is good experience! And, who knows? You may just get a job out of it.

If you face set-backs, it's good! You are developing strength, determination and perseverance. You might not realise it now, but you are right now. You are doing really. Keep going!

I was an international student in a foreign country last year, and it can get terribly lonely and overwhelming. Sometimes you feel like you are getting nowhere, and other times you feel like you are getting the hang of things. Just know that you are brave for putting yourself out there and that there is a whole community out there who are cheering for you. Good on you for asking for constructive help!

- A

[Paulin]

Thank you for the kind reply! And sorry for the late response I had actually forgotten I had posted here ^_^"

" I'm sure if the situation was reversed you would be more than happy to assist here."

You're absolutely right - I had never considered that before...if my little sister (I do have one) came to live with me while studying I would ensure she would be living her best life. Maybe they don't actually mind? The thing is my sister just gave birth, and all throughout her pregnancy I did help her out, although I don't like to admit it for some reason...I still do feel I don't deserve her hospitality.

"Circumstances do change and I'm sure you will be more independent, however as it does not depend on your efforts but simply circumstances I guess you have to be content knowing you are doing the best you can."

That's another insightful comment. I never considered independence to be circumstantial - I always believed it depends on how hard you're trying, and that I wasn't trying hard enough. Hmmm...

I do know that comparing myself to others is never a good thing, but I just can't help it. Coming to a new country, I look at the busy and hectic lives the locals are living and I feel that I should do the same instead of sitting on my ass jobless 😕

"As you have plenty of time, and your academic results are good, use some of it to enter university life, a club or society perhaps. Having things oyu enjoy to look forward to and take your mind of hassles is a wise thing to do."

I have considered that after posting here, someone brought up that I could volunteer in hospitals which would look good on my resume. Currently looking for referees for my applications, actually. Unfortunately, I attend a TAFE so we don't exactly have clubs or anything.

Thank you for your wonderful post, I've learned quite a lot!

[Paulin]

@Ally Rae Thanks for your kind reply! It's so nice to see someone who has gone through the same thing!

The thing with jobs is that I have no experience, and as an international student I have a cap on the number of hours I'm allowed to work. The combination of these two devils have been very disadvantageous to me, and is making my job search even harder. I have considered the volunteering option, and I'm currently searching for referees for my applications. I plan to ask some of my professors - one of them I have a good relationship with (I think - he's sort of friendly with everyone so I'm not sure of that lol) and the other one has praised me a few times through emails, but it's sort of nerve-wracking to ask, I'm afraid the eventual rejection might sour our relationships...

" You are studying, trying to better yourself and you are already being self-reflective which is a sign of maturity."

I have always been self-reflective ever since I can remember.. even as a child I used to be hyper-aware of what I'm doing, what I'm supposed to be doing, and if those line up or not. It's never been taught to me, and when voicing these thoughts out I've always been called weird but I knew that it's how I can best improve myself.

I agree with setting goals - I actually want to spend my free time learning a new language. Therefore I plan to set goals for my language learning until I eventually find a job.

Thank you again for your reply, it's been very helpful!

[Hope4tomorrow]

Hi Paulin,

Person travels overseas at 19 to study at university, person is achieving well academically, person is looking for employment as well... these things don't sound like the actions of a loser to me at all. On the contrary.

I choose to see and feel what I think I'm worth; I'm constantly having to reasess what my mind tries to tell me is a fact.

Social media is just one example of people being at different places/stages in their lives at the same age as their peers and that which doesn't really serve any healthy purpose to try and compare...

Just a suggestion Paulin, but try measuring yourself not by your emotions but by your actions and what you value about your life and yourself ie if you care about others, take pride in what you do whatever that may be etc etc. You can take that stuff to the spiritual bank over and over because they're all worthy deposits for your growth and happiness. We're always doing better than we may think. Keep up the great work.

kindest regards, boots.

[Croix]

Dear Paulin~

Thanks for retuning and talking more. A couple of thongs occur to me and I thought I'd mention them

The first is that your situation and problems are by no means unique. I'm sure there would be quite a number of young people from your country who could if they got together find support and ideas in each others' company. If you wanted to volunteer perhaps there is something for you in that area. It might be more challenging than joining an organization, but your personal experiences and skills would be particularly relevant.

The other thing is that all the things you talk abut - even the hospital idea - are all serious and 'responsible'. While this is fine life does have to have a balance, with simple relaxation and enjoyment being surprisingly important. So what can you do to enjoy yourself and take your mind away from worries?

Croix