A month of hell. Have I found my reason?

[Needamate]

Thanks for reading. Over the last month I've had a crisis of self. I'm 37, married with an awesome wife, and 3 beautiful Kids. Sounds like a perfect life. It was. Now it's not. My wife has made some really good friends and has been working for the first time since having kids. Oldest is 11. So with extra income she has been going out to concerts and shows with her friends. As we live in regional Australia, the trips to concerts involve nights away. She has also been staying at her friends house on the occasional weeknight as she needs to talk over some issues relating to her past that I can't help her with. Sounds pretty normal, but I found myself having a problem with it. At first I was angry that she wanted to be away from me, then jealousy would hit me, why won't she just come home? I've been doing a lot of changes in my life and I have suddenly realised I'm lonely. I am friends of everyone but not good enough friends of anyone to be invited anywhere. I've never been a groomsman and only ever been to one bucks night, my brother in laws. It really hit me tonight when my wife was leaving to go to a girls night. I couldn't hide it, I just started crying. The stupid thing is, I actually want her to go and have a good time, at the same time I'm crying coz she's going! She is my best friend, my only true friend and I love her dearly. Now she has her new friends I feel left out and abandoned. There has been many other small things that have added to my bad feelings, like im no longer on her locked screen on her phone and she has changed here pin code to mention a couple. Does anyone else have these feelings or have had them? If so how did you get past them? Do I just need a mate? I really miss what we used to have.

[Croix]

Dear Needamate~

Welcome here. I'm not surprised you feel left out and lonely, after all it sounds like your partnership is changing - which is not necessarily a bad thing. If I understand correctly your partner has been at home looking after 3 children for at least 11 years, and has now obtained a job. Together with this she has developed a social life and been appreciating cultural events.

Up until now I'd imagine you and the kids were pretty much her only focus and for that to shift is worrying, maybe even frightening. So having mixed feelings with crying, anger, wanting the best for her and feeling locked out are all realy to be expected.

Just in passing how did you know she changed her PIN? Do you suspect her of something untoward?

A lot of this comes down to trust. Looking at things from the outside I'd suggest that it will take both of you to come to a new arrangement in this stage of your lives where you both feel happy, fulfilled and secure. So I'd suggest that talk is in order, to let her know the effect her actions are having on you (and in all probability yours on her)

If two people love each other they will want the best for each other and once they realize what is happening take steps to ensure this. It may be that the pair of you can do more together, or keep in contact more. I'm sure there are other measures you can think of.

Apart from just talking between the two of you couples counseling may well help too. Having someone with experience to guide things may be very useful.

Do you think this is a reasonable way to go?

Croix

[Needamate]

Thanks for the reply. I have tried everything you suggest. Most of which has been thrown back in my face. She's not prepared to give an inch. She has opened up somewhat about what she is doing, which I guess is a start. I trust her that there's nothing physical going on, I just don't get any emotional love from her, it all goes to her friends and has made me feel very alone.

[Janeie]

It sounds like you’re feeling quite lonely at the moment. Relationships go through lots of ups and downs and readjustments over time.

You say you don’t have close friends. Have you thought about taking up a hobby, sport or pursuing a personal interest.

[Hang10]

Hi Needamate,

I hope that you are ok.

This sudden change in your marriage has caused you to feel all different emotions. I think that most of the emotions is the fear of losing your wife as you have both been very close as a couple.

I think that your wife is making up a little from the time or years of beening at home, beening a mum and a housewife. Sometimes the dream of a different life makes the social life look like paradise and fun.

It not to say that your wife is going to cheat on you or has. Her new friends have open up a part of her personality that may have been closed and this new part of her is a bit like a bird let out of a cage.

I think and hope for you this is a bit of a stage, a kind of mid life crisis. I think she remembers the marriage and times as a family but I think she missing something in her life.

Maybe go on a bit of a family adventure or something like that to break that routine life as a family as this seems to be not making your wife happy.

Sometimes when things appear perfect, people get a sense of adventure or a bit of change. You sounds like a man that like emotional comforts and set living. Try to impress her with little surprises or courage of something different to show how that you can help your marriage to grow another level.

All my very best. Try to think positive. Take care.

Hang10.

[Needamate]

Thanks Hang10. What you said is exactly what she is doing. The issue I have is since she started this new social life, she has completely withdrawn from us. I have tried a few random things, all have been met with why or no or some frustrated response. I was in hospital yesterday, when she came and got me, I got no empathy. In fact I got a better hug from her friend. When we got home and into bed, I called a spade a spade and asked why (there were many more instances of her not wanting to be there). She said she felt smothered and I was too needy. I pointed out 6 of the last 11 nights you've been away and you know I'm in a bad place. 12 months ago you would have been completely different, what has changed? She couldn't answer and that was the end of the conversation. I hate feeling like this.

[Croix]

Dear Needamate~

I'm sorry this is happening to you and know what a lonely place it is for you now. I would expect the person you first married is still there, but maybe overshadowed at the moment by the attractions of sudden freedom.

I'm not really surprised she cannot answer your question, she probably does not know herself what has changed.

Can I ask how your kids are getting on?

Do you think Janeie's suggestion of occupying yourself and either making new friends - or getting together with old ones - would make you feel a little better at the moment?

Croix

[Needamate]

My kids are coming to me in tears every now and then. One is missing mum, another is crying coz she sees me upset and the other one thinks mum going away is her fault. I obviously comfort them and have been telling mum the issues they are telling me. Her response is she's allowed her own life which is true, but it shouldn't be at the expense of all our time, true? Hobbies are hard in a rural area, and money is an issue to do anything extravagant. I play some sport on the weekends and is about all I look forward to. Even that I am struggling with as I just can't enjoy anything when I feel this way. The people at the sport are friends but have their own close friends so again, I don't get asked to trips elsewhere etc.

I am now considering emotional detachment so I can deal with my kids in a caring way and not letting the emotional BS I feel towards my wife effect the kids also keeping decision making pragmatic, we certainly can't afford to seperate. Seems like that could be the only way I can keep my family together and my sanity.

[Croix]

Dear Needamate~

Perhaps I'm doing her an injustice but her response when you told her of the kid's feelings seems to be to be quite cold. It is very natural for them to see things have changed and unfortunately may children do blame themselves, even though nothing could be further from the truth.

Would you say your wife has suddenly become less empathetic and loving towards them? If so, and I"m not suggesting she has, is there any particular tihng you might put it down to? I know you mentioned a job, but I guess that could be either cause or result of something else.

Having sport as an outlet, even if not ideal, is pretty good and I'm glad for you. As for becoming emotionally detached, it would be nice but I've no idea how to do it.

Croix

[Hope4tomorrow]

Hi Need a mate,

Your post had some similarities to a previous relationship that I was is and your words reminded me of how I was feeling at the time and how I felt that some of her responses were I'll say, less that I could've hoped for...
have you considered the possibility of seeing a psychologist to talk about the things that you are feeliing lately and the thoughts on said subjects that you've been having?
I used to dislike and fear psychologists (a couple of average experiences), but I've had a great experience with one recently that has helped me a lot over the last 13 months of seeing him a great deal. I've had to start seeing another one due to him gaining another role elsewhere. This is also so far touch wood becoming a good fit which I'm fortunate to have.

I feel for you need a mate, it must be a difficult thing to be experiencing at this time.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with becoming a little "needy" etc. We're all human and can be prone to experience behaving like this in our lives. I was in a similar position with my ex a few years ago (without kids though).

Once I accepted that a learned outside professional opinion would help me to gain a more balanced perspective, I would be in life with a fighting chance again. I hope that this reply is more of a help than a hindrance.

kindest regards, boots