me so far

[paddy91]

hey, my name is paddy, im 23 and live in vic.

my life started off pretty normal, middle class family, a few good friends and engaged to the love of my life.
through out my life i have always been there for people, the shoulder to cry on, the giver of solid advice and always been very head strong.
i have had a lot of very close "friends" stab me in the back and kick me while i was down, a few near death experiences and all the rest.
it never seemed to bother me and i always got over it but one thing that happened this year brought everything back hard and fast, now i cant seem to escape.
all the little things have built up and resulted in alopecia (hair loss) which i am fighting.
i saw my GP a few months ago and he told me i suffered from anxiety and depression.
i thought i could deal with it by myself as i always have but this time i need help.
this is my first post here so forgive me if i am abit all over the place.

the things i am fighting at the moment are random mood swings. i will be happy and jolly and laugh with everyone but once it goes quiet i feel like i dont have the right to be happy, like how can i be happy when so many people i love hurt me so badly?
after all these years i have learned never to trust anyone, not one single person or animal that walks this earth and that hurts too.
sometimes i get a little down and think about it then suddenly the walls are closing in and i have to get out of here.
i see reminders of dark times everywhere and cant help but notice them and dwell on it but thinking i cant be like this at the same time.

reaching out for help has sort of gone both ways for me, my partner which sort of brought the whole thing on helps as much as she can, my parents didnt really give me much, my friends dont understand although they try to.
i am sick of people constantly promising me things but not following through, that gets to me alot and has happened since i was very young.
i think back, i have never hurt anyone so why do all these people hurt me? 

on another note, love my hunting, love fishing and spearfishing.

so thats me. anything you would like to know about me please comment and i will get back to you when i can.

take care

[Jacko777]

Hi Paddy91,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I guess you cannot change what has happened in the past Paddy, but you can focus on being positive in the present and that will help to determine your future. I have also suffered from trust issues, I was let down badly as a child and it was decades before I started to work on it. It really did affect many parts of my life and I am glad I worked on it, these days I try to trust all people until I know otherwise, of course I don't make it easy for someone who is likely to abuse my trust. By the way, you have put yourself out there by posting here, you took a risk, well done.

I don't know why these people hurt you. It would be a shame if you avoided new and healthy relationships in the future because others in the past have let you down, don't give them any more power, don't let them stop you from being happy any longer.

Have you tried meditation? It helps me a lot to train my brain to focus on the positive and it makes me feel calmer. Are you seeing a counsellor? Putting all these things right and having a mental health strategy is important for all of us. I try to stay focused on the things that I love, add to my list of passions and pastimes and spend my time working on these things.

Jack

[White_Rose]

Hello Paddy

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanks for writing in.

Trust is such an essential part of our nature and we feel violated when it is abused. Why do folk do this? Who knows. I suspect a great deal of this is carelessness and lack of insight. When we are aware of ourselves and others, what makes us tick etc, then we are less likely to damage other people. But if you don't know or don't care, well then you don't care. And other than walking away from these folk there's nothing much that can be done.

You sound a bit depressed about all of this so I will suggest you read the literature on BB. Have a good look round the web site and see what you can find. There is also a dedicated man site which you may enjoy and find useful. Find it on the first page.

Did your GP suggest that you take antidepressants or see a counsellor? Sometimes these things can help. The symptoms you describe can be difficult to manage on your own. I find they seem to jump out of the blue for no apparent reason. It is better when you are with other people because you are making an effort. Sounds like a good idea but in fact it can be very exhausting to keep up. You are doing what so many of us do, which is to wear a mask in public to hide your pain and discomfort.

I have found that these long standing and painful emotions will eventually come back to bite us. Jack has also commented on this. At the moment the psychologist I see tells me I do not fully realise the total effects of my abusive marriage. And I think this true. I have left it a long time before getting help despite a major depression many years ago. So the earlier you can deal with your past, the easier it will be to go forward feeling strong, caring towards others and secure in yourself.

Being independent is a great ambition, but don't let it fool you into thinking you will never need help. Hope this helps. I am interested in how you are going.

Mary

[paddy91]

Hi Jacko, thanks for the reply mate.
i have put alot of thought into trusting people again but i cant really see myself doing it. i have a few friends left and even with them things have been shaky on the trust side of things. time and time again i get proven right by not trusting someone. i find a small amount of comfort thinking i am the only one i can trust because i know i wont be surprised when someone does wrong by me. i guess rather than fighting it i have accepted it.
i have never tried meditating and i have not yet seen a Councillor but it is fairly high on my to-do list as are many other things.
i have always been a fairly soft person and sort of a yes man, agreeing to help with anything at any time and letting people take advantage of me but that has all come to a stop too. i find myself more blunt and bitter toward people who are annoying me rather than sitting there and taking it.
today is not one of my better days which is why i logged in and read some comments. 
i have found even in my hobbies i am failing more than i am succeeding which sucks but i intend on trying until i get to where i want to be. 

[paddy91]

Hello Mary
my GP was helpful and gave me a heap of phone numbers to councilers and told me to call a few and find one i like, this was a few months ago and i have not yet called. when i feel good i think i will feel good for a while and i can get past this on my own but then like you said out of the blue i get down in the dumps and feel like i am just going to stay there.
lately i find myself enjoying silence, no people, no tv, just me and my dogs in the darkness and just enjoy the quiet.
i enjoy a drink in my own silent little zone but that isnt an issue, 5 beers a week is hardly something to worry about.
i think the thing i need to work on most is being able to counter the random negative thoughts that get bad, fast to the point i feel like laying on the ground screaming. there are alot of issues that lay deep in my head that i need to be able to take control of before they take control of me. i know this is going to be a long slow process but i guess thats what i get for not doing something earlier.

thanks for your kind words

[White_Rose]

Dear Paddy

Thanks for your response. These "out of the blue" attacks are horrible and I wonder how you will manage to put them to one side on your own. No offensive, it's just one of the hardest things to do.

You may be interested in  looking up neuroplasticity. This is how the brain can use different parts to carry out the functions normally carried out elsewhere. In terms of intrusive thoughts it is part of the CBT process, but I have had only one psych explain it to me in these terms. Briefly, we are accustomed to thinking along the same lines. When X happens we react by doing or thinking Y, often both. One common example is when you have one of your random negative thoughts, your instinct is to try and shut it out or argue with yourself over the thought.

That's called doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Very unlikely. Instead the trick is to turn the argument, thought, whatever, down a different track to a different conclusion or outcome. My psych explained it as having a herd of wildebeests on a grass plain. Every day they trek down to the water, using the same path which over time becomes wider and more defined.

Waiting for dinner are the lions who are well aware of the habits of the wildebeests. No need to hunt, just lie in wait along the path. If the wildebeest stopped turning down the same path and moved further along the lions would miss out on dinner. Now I'm sure you can find all sorts of flaws in this analogy but the basic idea is that you stop thinking along the same lines and find or make a different path. Don't give the lions an opportunity.

The brain being what it is will not be very interested in making this change because basically it's lazy and wants to keep the status quo. So you need to practice turning down a different path every time the urge comes to go down the old road. It sounds great, at least to me, and I find it works. Trouble is you really need someone to help you to get going and to explain far better than me. And this will involve looking at your reasons for doing the same old same old.

Anyway, look up neuroplasticity and see what you think. There's got to be a better way than going round in circles.

Cheers, Mary

[Narniakid]

Hi paddy91, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us.

I am sorry to hear you're feeling like that and that you've had some tough experiences with people letting you down. Your anxiety has probably stemmed from your social environment, and so I suggest you join a club (perhaps in hunting or spearfishing) and build some solid relationship through common interests. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee in life regarding the actions of others, but in order to remain active in our own society, that is a risk we have to be willing to take. You've made a good start just by coming on here and talking to us on the forums.

It is wonderful to hear that you have a supportive partner, and I applaud you on seeing your GP. Trusting people takes time, yes, but it's a two way street; if you don't open up to them, they won't open up to you, and visa versa. What I suggest you do is keep a mood chart (Google "black dog mood chart" and print off the PDF) and record some diary entries for what's happened in your day and how you feel about it. This will help your GP look for patterns in your thinking.

Most importantly, don't give up. You have so much to look forward to - the rest of your life! Anxiety thrives on avoidance and negative thoughts are just reactions to fear. Nothing will change if you don't.

Crystal