The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that is so full or torment and conflict, such an enormously challenging time. I'm so glad you've come here to meet with those who are able to feel for you so much at this time.
I can vaguely recall my dope smoking days in my 20s. I'm a 55yo gal now, hence the vague recollection. Given all that you've been through in relation to the shocking abuse you've experienced, it's completely understandable that you're longing to feel a sense of peace, a sense of escape, a sense of ease and a sense of derealisation that smoking can offer. The reality you've faced over the years is heartbreaking and it's not a simple thing to just stop the thing that offers you a sense of freedom from the suffering and heartbreak. Not easy at all.
While many (including myself) can recall who we naturally were in the earlier years of our life, it can be easier for us to return to who we naturally were to some degree. There is some reference to our natural self. For someone who's been led to experience and feel sufferance, fear, insecurity and more, that reference is not there. For example, in a life free from hardship and abuse we can recall our carefree nature, our lighthearted wonderful nature (where we were full of wonder), our adventurous nature and so on. For someone who's never had these experiences, I imagine it's like having to find who you are starting today from scratch. Not only that, it can also involve having to find a sense of freedom or release from all the damaging beliefs about self that someone has been led to believe. Beneath all the false and damaging beliefs, there you are, your most beautiful soulful authentic self. You are there, no matter what you have been led to believe.
I wish I could give to you, in a heartbeat, the entire understanding of who you truly are. It would blow your mind. Discovering who we truly are at a snail's pace can feel so depressing and hopeless at times and the revelations can feel so tiny to the point where they can barely be felt. I believe the best guides, no matter what we're facing are the ones that lead us to a sense of being fast tracked through our challenges while leading us to feel the kinds of revelations that can be positively mind altering. Another thing I believe is that our feelings can be so telling and the challenge can be to listen or feel into what they're trying to tell us. While the mental health system can have a lot to offer in making a positive difference to many, it does come with its faults that can be felt. You have found and felt one. The instability of no one reliable therapist is a very different feeling from having the one therapist who makes all the difference. The quest for the right anti depressant, while feeling nothing making a difference for months, can be depressing. The fault is not in the quest itself but in a therapist's lack of understanding and compassion when it comes to how depressing such a quest can be. Such feelings aren't in our imagination, they come from our ability to feel or sense what is so. You are such a deeply feeling person who needs others to feel for you and with you, as opposed to dismissing all that you feel. To be feeling all (things) on our own can be such a lonely and isolating experience.❤️
