im an awful person

[Laney-BB1234]

this is probably the most honest im ever gonna get with anyone, and i am fully expecting rlly mean replies cause its what i deserve.

i cant stop lying to people, and about the most awful things. i dont really know why i do it maybe i like the pity and care i get from people? i think im just gonna say what ive been doing.

ig it started with online friends, people i really cared about, it started with little lies like with hobbies i do and stuff and the first instance of a horrible lie i told was to one of my online friends where i said i was s exually assaulted before. they were really nice and opened up about one of their own experiences, which i comforted them on. i didnt feel guilty, instead i liked the attention and lied about... that to more online friends, usually changing up the story slightly, and i got pity and comfort from them too. i want to make it clear, nothing like that has ever happened to me at all. again even after those lies i still didnt really feel guilty.

it got worse when i told one of my friends (irl) that i was self harming (id never done that at that point), and had a conversation with her where it was the assault thing again. i told details (that i completely made up) and told her i was talking about it all with my therapist (ive only ever went to one therapy session) and a few weeks ago i told her i had a mental disorder (i probably do but im not diagnosed with anything). its all been comfort from her, and i didnt feel guilt. I mean sometimes id think 'im an awful person' but those feelings dont really reside in me. 

it got even worse when i went on holidays and the whole time what i was thinking was 'im going to harm myself and hope my friends see it when we hang out'

it got even more worse when i actually did self harm on sunday just because i wanted to see if i had the guts ig? and i wanted to see if anyone would notice and my family didnt notice, and some of my friends didnt or at least didnt bring it up and i was disappointed in a sense.

i dont know whats wrong with me, and im scared

even when i type this i feel mostly apethetic its like i know what im doing is wrong but i dont feel its wrong.

i feel like a psychopath but i feel empathy. i constantly feel really bad for people and wanna help them, im an emotional person all the time but its just this whole thing that i feel nothing.

ill answer any questions anyone asks i just want to stop being like this.

[white knight]

Hi, thankyou for your honesty.

I'm philosophical about these personality flaws in that they had to form for a reason right?. So as children we learned from means like- family traits, environmental eg friends and by our genes we are born with. We end up the way we are due to any of those factors and in your case you've been desperate for some attention and recognition- who's fault is that do you think? It cant be your fault because due to those factors I mentioned those things were out of you control. I have a saying-

"what we end up with that is not honest of is unacceptable isnt our fault, it's only our fault if we become aware of them and continue to do them"

That sentence is your now lifeline. Now that you care aware and you are convinced your actions are wrong, you can now move on to become an honourable person by stopping the lies right now, this moment. Any person that criticises you for lying in the past you can safely declare "I am very sorry for lying, it wont happen again, I'll never lie again"

If they dont accept that excuse then you cannot change their decision- but move on anyway. 

So how do you feel about turning over a new leaf, a change for the better? And in the next few months you might be tempted to lie, stop yourself. If you cant then bounce back. It is not unlike breaking a diet. Will power is hard but bettering yourself is a remarkable good deed to achieve.

You can also reach out to a GP and chat with them about it. Therapy would assist you much more. 

Finally, friends often dont want to know about anyones self harm, it takes a very very close friend that cares to want to know. Better to try to find the right friends for you that you can share your inner feelings and they share theirs but self harm isnt the right way to go, you seem so much smarter than that. This growing period takes a couple of years and that will end soon enough, grow and mature and see the beauty of life. 

It took me a long time to realise how wonderful life is, I wrote this when I found life's beauty. Life is fun, wonderful and loving. Do you write poetry?

CATERINA CATERPILLAR

All her feet were marching, all her feet were lean

Caterina caterpillar- across the garden green

In a circle she did walk a very sorry sight

All her feet from her left side were walking faster than the right

“Oh no” she cried “one of my legs is crook

I must have stepped on that rusty nail…I didn’t even look”

Well Caterina sat their tears welling in her eyes

She has to spin her cocoon to become a butterfly

Well a stoke of luck as the sun went down

All the insect came to life in their dressing downs

“I’ll get your leg in a splint” said Sammy centipede

The other made some crutches it was very kind indeed

Well Caterina hobbled up the tree so high

To spin her cocoon to become a butterfly

Then off she flew so merrily her body not the same

Her friends didn’t realise she changed her caterpillar name

She was now Betty the butterfly her wings of golden brown

She flapped her wings so wildly and flew around and around

Betty would never return to her Caterpillar ways

But she thanked all her friends for helping her on her way…

TonyWK

[just-a-Dad]

You have taken a huge step just by admitting it, you kneed to get your closest friends involved and ask them to be with you as you get some help.

its best to tell trusted people sooner rather than later (make sure you have an alernative support network in place first) the longer you leave it the worse it becomes, you end up telling lies to cover up other lies, and you will forget what lies you told whom, and the people arround you will start to leave.

You are not awful, your'e human and, you need some help like all of us do at some stage