I'm no longer able to continue. And no longer required to.

[Djordat]

Life has stopped for me now, drained of all I had, all I was, all I will be and all that I had made.

Nothing remains of life, only existence until I run out of time, I must wait now!!~

Everything has been tried, everything has been attempted, everything has failed and they all live on, belligerent to me or my position.

uncaring indignation, tunnel vision and one mindedness of those I have known forever, with the total lack of understanding or Respect, has left me to now destroy my life, and all that I am or will be, through a loss of honest direction and truthful alliances by those I trusted, as I crash through the last stages.

Already driven to suicide! which was survived, only to find that my life was more valuable to others than I was, hence why they live it now.

now I welcome the end, slow as it progresses, but down I go, no way to stop.

No matter how much I ask, or how much I beg, or how much I prove it to all, I am always made responsible for everything.

Help never comes, never is it there at the end of the crisis calls of which there have been many, nor at the meetings which never go anywhere.

000 is the only way, it's no way, it's no way at all, I could not visit the kind of horror on the family's of these who destroy me, how can I???

needless to say that I don't, sleep, eat, drink water, go out, visit, take out the rubbish, clean, shower or enjoy anything, sweet, salt, happiness, love, kindness, only look forward to the horrors of it all every second of every day, as that is all that happens, even tho everyone knows!!?? etc.etc.etc.

Sorry if I'm troubling you further, many thanks for reading. 

[therising]

Hi Djordat

My heart goes out to you so much, as you feel or sense little other than pain, hopelessness and disappointment in life. While it is one thing to be able to feel or sense, it is another to be able to only feel or sense at one end of the emotional spectrum. To have been at one extreme end for so long comes with added challenges few understand unless they've been there themself. Again, my heart goes out to you so much.

I'm wondering whether you feel like expanding on the uncaring indignation, tunnel vision and one mindedness in others that you speak of. I'm also wondering whether you want to expand on how everything has been attempted, how everything has been tried and how everything has failed. One of the reasons for me wondering is based on me being able to relate to such things in my own way, through my own experiences in managing my wellbeing. While I'm a 55yo gal who's one of those mind/body/soul kinds of people, this has been a tough road at times to say the least, as I wasn't always this way. It more so developed out of desperation. I recall going back to the soul destroying days of attempting everything inside the square that failed to serve my mental health. When I found myself beginning to gravitate towards more soulful solutions, answers and practices, what I found was everyone around me with closed minds and tunnel vision. The strangest thing of all that I found was people's insistence that I stay inside the square rather than venture outside of it, in order to find the difference I needed. While no one wanted me to suffer, they definitely weren't encouraging (to begin with), in regard to me finding what would stop me from suffering outside of that limited square. Other people's insistence or other people's ways of thinking can definitely keep us in a square or prison cell of sorts. 

'Responsibility' is a strange thing. While it can be subjective, I like to basically think of it as 'response ability' or 'the ability to respond in appropriate ways'. While others can be quick to say to us 'You need to take responsibility and drink water, exercise and eat properly', for one reason or another we may have lost the ability to easily do such things on our own. The ability to respond in appropriate ways may call for others to sit with us and drink water and eat. It may call for others to drive somewhere with us to a place that inspires us to walk and exercise our mind, our body and our soul (all 3). Personally, I wouldn't call walking around the block where I live 'an inspiring experience', compared to other places I imagine.

[Djordat]

Hello, thank you for your kind thoughts.

I'm to run down at the  moment to explain much, but hopefully soon.

I tried to send a more detailed response earlier, but wrote to much, then, somehow I lost it, now no energy to do it again yet.

Thank you for your caring and kindness. Take care.

[therising]

Hi Djordat

Take your time, no rush. It's an awful feeling, having next to no energy. When it becomes an ongoing factor, this is one of my top triggers for depression. I can recall once saying to someone 'If life is the feeling of energy running through you, to not be able to feel that energy is to not feel life'. To say this is a hard thing to manage at times can be an understatement. How to bring ourself back to life can be a whole other challenge. ❤️

[Djordat]

Hi again, sorry I have huge problems with keeping any kind of hope or direction at this time, so please forgive any inconsistency's with my approach to this reply!

There is not much space here to write 5000 only and no counter, so I may have to explain in a chain of events without infill, for the last 5yrs only not the other 57yrs, a list to long, if you like, dot point will take to much room so in line separated by a /.

Perhaps then, you could ask questions base on particular events as I list them, sorry this will be a long list, if I can assemble them accurately enough for reading.

I take this time to thank you and any other kind people reading, for this chance to communicate.

OK. To start, NEXT MESSAGE.