I don't know

[EMMEK]

Hello,

I feel like my stock pile of hope is running out. The older I get the less I think there is another better life in the future. This might just be it.

I feel like I just want to stop/have a break, but I can't have one, and it probably wouldn't be helpful anyway. If I stop moving I may not start again. I'm already heading towards doing the bare minimum. As hard as it is I need to keep going, at least for my children's sake.

​I'm letting down all the people who I love the most. I wish they had better. I wish I was better.

[MarkJT]

Hey EMMEK, first off welcome to the forums - you have definitely come to the right place to seek some advice as this is a very caring and protective community filled with people with lived experience of mental health conditions.

So you sound like you are having a pretty rough time. Can I ask if you have been diagnosed by a GP or a psych with a mental health condition?

If you have not, I want you to book into the GP and discuss this with him/her. Then we will know what we are dealing with her to help you get your energy and drive back.

It can happen, living again that is, not just surviving but actually living. With the proper treatment and mindset, you can be healthy again.

Let me know what you have been diagnosed with previously or some more symptoms that you are displaying whilst you wait to get to the GP.

I am not a clinician but live with depression and anxiety from PTSD so we might share some symptoms.

Mark.

[EMMEK]

Thank you. Yes I've been diagnosed with depression,anxiety, and OCD. Body Dismorphia when I was a teen. And I think Borderline Personality Disorder, but I'm not sure as the memory isn't clear. I was first diagnosed at 14, 20 years ago. My most recent diagnosis in 2015 was that I have personality traits from cluster b and c. I'm not sure what that means exactly but I know that OCD is a part of that. I was seeing a psychologist in 2015 early 2016, and things were better. I used all the sessions that came under the funding and because I was feeling mostly better I stopped. I know that I should go to a Gp and see if I can be referred again. I just don't want to go through all the hoops again. And through no fault of her own, I don't really want to see the psychologist again.

I only like to leave the house as long as I'm following a routine, or I have my "security blanket" aka husband, so it makes it hard to do things. I need time to psych myself up for anything out of routine, or that I have to do alone.

Things will settle again eventually. I'm just so much more down than usual. 😞 I've acted a bit out of character and scared myself. I don't want to talk to a doctor though. I don't have a Gp that I trust. I just feel alone, but I don't want to see anyone. Haha. I just feel like I'm failing, and the mountain I would have to climb to succeed is too high for me. I'm having lots of physical symptoms, but I worry that maybe I'm dying, but logically think probably not. I'm just so sad. I cry a lot. I try to hide it from my family. I feel that I am invisible, and unwanted. Which is kind of funny, I don't know how I could be both. I keep thinking about the past. Not on purpose. It's annoying. And I keep eating too much. I need to stop eating so much. I quit smoking years ago and now I cope by eating. My husband started a new job 6 months ago and it takes up so much of his time. I feel like a burden and guilty, especially as he does most of the housework even though I am home all day. I never know what to make for dinner, we organise it that night. My life is chaotic and it's too much for me to fix.

Things will settle again eventually. I'm just so much more down than usual. 😞 I've acted a bit out of character and scared myself. I don't want to talk to a doctor though. I don't have a Gp that I trust. I just feel alone, but I don't want to see anyone. Haha. I just feel like I'm failing, and the mountain I would have to climb to succeed is too high for me.

[EMMEK]

I'm having lots of physical symptoms, but I worry that maybe I'm dying, but logically think probably not. I'm just so sad. I cry a lot. I try to hide it from my family. I feel that I am invisible, and unwanted. Which is kind of funny, I don't know how I could be both. I keep thinking about the past. Not on purpose. It's annoying. And I keep eating too much. I need to stop eating so much. I quit smoking years ago and now I cope by eating. My husband started a new job 6 months ago and it takes up so much of his time. I feel like a burden and guilty, especially as he does most of the housework even though I am home all day. I never know what to make for dinner, we organise it that night. My life is chaotic and it's too much for me to fix. Especially as I feel that it needs to be perfect if I do fix it. And there are germs on everything so I don't want to touch it, and have a panic attack if anyone else does. My husband unpacked a box of stuff we had from moving (which we did because of his new job), and I had an internal meltdown, and sat on the couch while he did it. I look lazy, and sometimes I wonder if that's it. I'm just lazy, and useless. I wish that OCD meant that everything was perfectly organised like all the jokes say, but it means the opposite in my life. In a couple of days I might not even remember how bad I'm feeling now, but this seems like a long one. I feel like if I could be "fixed" I would have been by now. My husband is so patient. I would have left me by now. I told him I wanted to leave him last night because I want everyone to be happy. I've apologised, and he accepted it. I don't really want to leave him. I do wonder if maybe he is a bit mentally unhealthy because he doesn't want to leave me. I just feel like I might be everything that's wrong in my family's life. I weigh them down. I think that I am a dark spot. I don't know if that makes sense. Sorry, once the plug comes out it's hard to stop the train of thought. Maybe I do need to see a psychologist, they are at least paid to listen. Haha.

Are you doing more than surviving now?

I'm not sure I see that in my future. Maybe I still do, and hope hasn't completely died.

[EMMEK]

I had to split the post to fit it all in, and doubled up a bit. Oops.

[MarkJT]

Emmek, first off, thanks for posting back and no issues at all with the split posts.

Yes I am living again, gone from just surviving to living and this was achieved through a variety of methods:

• Engaging with good psychs
• Eating healthy
• Exercising
• Practicing mindfulness
• Medication

Now i need to add though that i was very fortunate in my recovery that all the pieces to the puzzle came together without to many hiccups.

Now the news i think you really don't want to hear....you need to either find a GP and go see them or you need to engage a new psych.

I feel so much of the issues going on could well be alleviated through treatment and possibly medication.

This isn't going to be a reasonably difficult journey but one that is well worth going on.

The plan moving forward, are you able to exercise at all? Exercise is critical to mental health and if you cannot go outside, get onto YouTube and search for some. There are heaps and you can do it at home. Start off with small sessions and work them up as you go along.

Diet - also critical. Don't make drastic changes straight up. Are you able to cut out one piece of bad food a week?

Alcohol - do you drink?

Mindfulness - download the, "Smiling Mind" app. It is guided mindfulness so a really good place to learn it. It is a learned skill so please persist with it. Each track only takes about 12 minutes per track. This will give you skills to help combat the anxiety.

That will do for now and there is no expectation to get all of this done at once but if you can implement a cple of them, it will do you good.

If you start one or two of them and then stop it, just start again. Two steps forward one step back, two more forward etc.

Mark.

[BballJ]

Hi EMMEK,

MarkJT has once again provided some great advice for you and I just want to back up what he was saying and yes it may not be what you want to hear but I really agree with him in the fact that finding a new GP and getting another referral to a psychologist could again be very beneficial to you. You said in your post that you felt better when you saw the last one so that's tells me it does work for you. I understand the bubble you feel you are in but in reality seeking the appropriate help is right step to take, even for your families sake. You definitely don't sound like a dark spot, it's just a rough time you are going through, no shame in that at all and your husband sounds a like a great supporter of you as well.

Please take on MarkJT's advice as I think it is great. We are always here to talk and you can vent as much as you like on here too.

My best for you,

Jay

[geoff]

hello EMMEK, I can truly sympathise with you by having depression, anxiety as well as OCD, it's a terrible combination, simply because these are what I have, even though I believe I have overcome my depression/anxiety, OCD has been with me for 57 years.
I certainly would ask your doctor for any mental health assistance to be extended, I believe this can happen under special cicumstances.
By stopping the cigerattes someone with OCD will need something to replace it, so you are eating, although that's what can happen to people without this illness, but it's the need that it has to be replaced and so everything has to be perfect, sometimes it will be the opposite where people with OCD collect junk and have a house/yard full of rubbish, but to them it's something they may need in the future.
The way you feel will determine what sort of mood you are in, and the more anxious you are the worse your OCD will become, just as when you drink alcohol whether or not you do, it too will become worse.
There is medication to relieve the symptoms of OCD which I take, but it doesn't stop me from doing them, perhaps they help me from doing them compulsively, but they are designed for depression and OCD.
People can live a healthy life even though they suffer with OCD, and doctors would certainly know how you are feeling, scared and agitated and will direct you onto a psychologist who deals with this illness.
Please don't be afraid, you need some recognisation and understanding by someone who knows what this illness is doing to you.
The percentage of people who has OCD is much more than you would know about and ranges from minor to serious, please book an appointment and ask your husband to go with you. Geoff.

[EMMEK]

Thank you. Yes you are right. I do need to see a doctor, and my family is reason enough to do that.

I have started going for a small walk with my children, just to get out a bit. I have been afraid to go out because I have thought I might get robbed. I think that is unlikely though. Haha.

​Diet is a tough one. I feel like I let my family down in that area. I think that dairy doesn't agree with a number of us but I can't figure out how to change. I am trying to not have anymore chocolate at the moment. I get very angry inside when I don't have it though. I'm not sure how to deal with it. 😞

I don't drink. I think about taking it up sometimes, especially when I don't have chocolate. Alcohol is what my body wants to replace the chocolate with. I realise that could be a very bad path for me though, even if it looks attractive at the moment.

​I will have a look at that app. Thank you.

[EMMEK]

Thank you BballJ. Yes I agree I need to see a doctor, and I will feel better because it does seem to work well for me. I'm working on forcing myself to make an appointment, and thinking of my family.