Husband secretly visiting brothels for years

MumOf4

In July last year I found out that my husband has been visiting brothels. He left a website open on his phone and I came across it by accident. When I asked him about it, he strenuously denied anything had been going on. He even looked me square in the eyes and told me so. I was not satisfied with his answer (he’s always lying in work situations so I figured he’ll probably be lying to me because he’s proficient at it). I made him install a tracking app (after a similar incident in Jan where he had a condom wrapper stuck to his butt and he didn’t know how it got there - yes he gave a very long winded intricate excuse for that too). So, I check the app for the past month. I found one definite occasion where he went to a brotgel and two maybes. I confronted him about it, he STILL maintained his innocence until he just knew he was caught out. He also admitted to the Jan one at this point. I struggled over it, wanted to leave, but I didn’t (and still don’t) want the world to know what he’s done. Especially his kids. And if I divorced him, they would know. He’s a good dad, he’s a well respected boss and friend. So, we decided to reconcile.
Anyway, I kept having thoughts about wanting to see if I could find any other occasions. Lie and behold, I found phone calls to brothels going back 8 YEARS. 8 whole years. He said he didn’t always go in, sometimes it was just calling then hanging up. I believe him because some calls are only a few seconds. But there are many many times where it seems that he did go in. I don’t know what to do now. I’m so angry and sad and hurt. I still don’t want his kids to know because they love their dad, so soooo much. And I don’t want him to be a broken man. I can’t imagine life without him, but more I worry for him. I think I would be fine - it would just take some getting used to. Any advice would be appreciated

white knight

Hi, welcome

This situation you've found yourself in is very uncomfortable for you so I can see why you need some clarity.

Whether you leave him or not is totally your decision, no one should sway you either way, it depends on what you can live with.

Some people would leave immediately, others would stay and those that stay might accept it that he'll visit those places forever.

So your children- you seem to have this mindset that everyone will find out about his brothel visits if you separate. That seems to mean (if I'm right) that you'd feel compelled to tell everyone including your kids the truth. Why? What goes on behind closed doors is for the 2 people involved. My answer would be "we were incompatible" if pushed "its a personal matter". You could have that verbal agreement with your husband. He's a "good dad" so that reputation wouldnt be effected.

I think you have sufficient evidence to not need to pursue getting any further details. The facts are on the table. It matter not that he never went into those venues sometimes and so on.

If you believe there is a chance you can live with this behaviour of the past and accept that its likely to continue into the future then you need some form of reinventing the relationship so that it survives in a different format. No longer is trust an ingredient of your relationship which is a key part of it all so therefore it becomes more of a challenge for you than ever before.

I do think you are wise in taking the time to reset your thoughts and ask advice. Those challenges you face could over time be too much to bare and you could in the meantime consider living apart is far easier than this semi torturous position. IMO the fact he is a good dad, friend and boss is irrelevant. So can be, those that have addictions but that addiction can be a deal breaker.

So in summary the choice is yours. I hope you are ok. Repost anytime

TonyWK