Intro + Dealing with guilt

[arkadeprince]

Hello there! I'm a 16 year old, ADHD riddled kid who has an affinity for the geeky things in life. I enjoy writing, art, reading, listening to music, etc. 

To tell the truth, I'm not entirely sure what to write about. I feel like I had nowhere else to go — I can't get professional help, and relying on my friends to hear me out all the time probably isn't the best idea. 

I've joined this site for support for my mental health. People of all age ranges, cultures, experiences and whatnot are on here, so I think this will be a good oppurtunity for me to get more grounded advice from a myriad of people. 

I've been on a self-growth journey, learning to self reflect (a skill I've lacked) and communicate more effectively, but recently it's been extremely hard. I messed up big time with my best friend, and in general, I've been struggling a lot with the people in my life. This is important to me because I've grown up with parents who never communicate effectively. My Dad never apologises and overall we only ever settle things by letting time pass. Recently, I did something that breached the trust between me and my friend. She expressed her feelings towards what our other friend and I did, and the first time, I explained my perspective to her, and we all went back and forth. The second time, about a day after, she reiterated all of it, and my immediate thought was "I know all of that already, why doesn't she get it?" and I got incredibly defensive. I realise that my reactions BOTH TIMES were... ineffective? Unhealthy? Toxic? I'm not really sure. But I know it was wrong. That's not all there is to it, but honestly, I just don't know why I can't cope with the guilt of what I did, which is probably why I acted that way. But what can I do to fix it? Is me even thinking about "fixing it" okay? I'm pretty lost, so advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[indigo22]

Hi arkadeprince,

Welcome and thank you for deciding to reach out to us.

Much of what you are describing is pretty normal when going through the teen years. What is not so normal, is asking for advice and I applaud you for that.

What you have gone through with your best friend is a learning experience. Your new self reflection skills have come into play about this event. So my advice is to self reflect on what happened, try putting yourself in your best friends shoes, and ask yourself how you would feel if the positions were reversed. If you feel regret for your actions, then tell your friend that you regret what happened. If you are able to make a promise and keep to it, then tell your friend you promise to never hurt her like that again. Your initial and second reactions were not wrong, toxic or anything else, they were the reactions of someone who was not truly listening to a friend who was reaching out and willing to be vulnerable about her feelings. This is not an usual reaction given that the communication within your family is not great, it is a learned behaviour, but it also a behaviour you can change now that you have become aware of it. Because you know what it feels like when your father never apologises, you can use that feeling to break that chain of non-healthy communication with others in your own life.

I would also like to impress upon you the damage you can do to yourself when you take on labels such as "geeky" or "ADHD riddled". These labels are not who you are at your core, at that level you are a wonderfully gifted artistically creative person and there is nothing whatsoever geeky about that, it offers a whole world of possibilities for your future. I would doubt that you told yourself that you are ADHD riddled, that sounds more like someone else's label for you. Accepting and loving yourself for "who you are" and not for "the labels you have been given" is the most important lesson you can learn.

It's not wrong to want to fix the relationship with your best friend, it shows that you have the maturity to see that the situation needs fixing in the first place.

Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[therising]

Hi arkadeprince

Indigo has offered such brilliant guidance and advice. I think the most important piece of knowledge relates to 'I am not a typical person, I am so much more than typical'. As indigo touches on, how people label our non typical nature is up to them. We may be labelled as 'quirky', 'strange', 'geeky', 'weird' or 'woo woo', 'broken', 'sensitive' and the list goes on. We may even tick all the boxes that add up to ADHD. Personally, I like 'sensitive' the most, as it implies I have the ability to sense. 

I've found sensitivity doesn't typically come all at once, it's something that's gradually developed. Sometimes we even develop it on reflection, when we have time to ourself. While you didn't sense the need for compassion or sense the need to open your mind to how your friend feels, now you've graduated to sensing such things. Expressing this in one way or another, to your friend, may make a difference. Could sound something along the lines of 'I've had time to think about how I wasn't feeling for you in the way you really needed me to. Now that I've become more aware, I understand your feelings. I didn't understand them before'. When we're not taught how to gain a sense of other people's feelings or even our own, we can lack skills until the skills are developed. With you mentioning your dad not being in touch with his ability to feel for others, you weren't given the skills you're now raising yourself to develop. Give yourself the credit you deserve when it comes to such self development.

Btw, I've found sensitivity doesn't necessarily have and 'on/off' switch, it tends to have a volume dial. Being able to turn the volume of our sensitivity up and down in really constructive ways makes us the master of that dial. Kinda like 'I will turn the volume of my sensitivity up so that I can feel for you completely' (volume 10 on the dial), 'I will feel for you a little, while remaining analytical/cautious at the same time' (maybe a 4) through to 'I will feel nothing for you or from you based on you being seriously degrading and depressing' (a zero). When we can feel the degrading and depressing nature of another, it's best to turn the volume way down low. This way, we don't have to feel a person's words, actions or nature.

When it comes to a sense of guilt, I've come to see it as a positive thing. I didn't always see it as positive, which is why I used to suffer through it so much at times. I like to see guilt as simply asking me 'Who do you want to be?'. You could say that guilt asks us to be more conscious and make a choice. For example, 'Do I want to be someone who addresses an issue with a friend or someone who doesn't address the issue?'. I've found a sense of guilt tends to hang around until I make a constructive choice.