How to avoid avoiding Step kids?

[Stephanie_D]

Hi, I'm a stepmother with 2x step kids, 11 yrs & 9 yrs. I have been with my partner for 4 years & we recently got married. I never wanted children though was open to being with someone who did, not fully knowing or understanding what it entailed.

The kids are really sweet & we get along however that natural connection isn't there for me.

I work 42+ hours a week in a highly extroverted role & my home is my sanctuary where I can recharge, find peace & be introverted. I find it difficult to share my home as the kids are kids, they're noisy, messy & generally running around the house making their presence known.

We have the kids every Tuesday & Thursday each week & Friday - late Saturday every fortnight.

I was recently advised that we'll now be extending our custody with the kids & have them an one extra day every fortnight: Thursday - late Sunday afternoon.

This news has come as a burden & I realised how important it is having the weekend to wind down on a Saturday night/Sunday & reconnect with my husband as well as clean the house & re-establish our home.

A wave of sadness has overcome me with the realisation that I have now lost an entire weekend every fortnight. Being early days I have shut myself off from my household locking myself in my bedroom to read, listen to music & have my own downtime. Alternatively, I leave the house as a means of avoidance to pass time & escape the kids.

I know this is not sustainable long-term for my mental health as well as the kids & my relationship.

I'm internalising my thoughts & feelings as I understand it's taboo to verbalise how I'm coping in fear of sounding selfish or presenting myself as an evil step mum.

Custody decisions are made without my consent & I simply have to smile, agree & say okay to any change. These changes do however impact my life.

My husband is a proactive parent & does everything for the kids. I have little to no involvement with the kids because of my inability to naturally connect & my lack of wanting to be involved.

My husband is also understanding & supportive though I don't want to escalate a situation where our marriage is compromised & he feels stuck or I feel trapped.

I'm open to any support or advice about how to cope & better manage myself in this situation.

How do I navigate through this change & what do I need to do to regain a feeling of home & have a shared space that works for everyone when we have the kids?

[therising]

Hi Stephanie

Being a mum to 2 kids (18yo son and 21yo daughter), it can definitely be easier in a number of ways when you've grown up with your kids from day one. When you get them already partially formed or shaped into who they're going to be, there would be far more challenge in that. With the challenge of losing some of what brings you joy and peace, time to yourself, the challenges begin adding up. 

I suppose you could look at it as a relationship challenge in a way. How to carefully speak to your husband about the challenges you face as a stepmum. Perhaps something along the lines of 'I'm not sure how to do this stepmum thing sometimes. I'm not sure how to manage less time to unwind, time to myself. I know this is my challenge but I'm not sure how to manage it and I need you to help me come up with ideas'. If he's a reasonable guy, I imagine he'll be able to see the reasons for why you feel the way you do. His role as your partner should involve helping you through challenges you're struggling with, just like you'd do for him.

The inability to unwind is technically a stress factor. Perhaps you could incorporate new forms of stress release into your life. You don't have to be with the kids the whole time they come to live with you. It's okay, there are no rules saying you have to. So, what would time out look like as a form of stress release? Looking forward to a professional massage at the end of each fortnight? Looking forward to time out with friends? Going to the movies by yourself or even having a meal out on your own, with a good book? Maybe the kids might appreciate some free time with their dad when they come to stay with you. They might even be thinking 'We like spending time with just Dad on occasion' but they don't want to say anything in case they hurt your feelings.

Kids do have a way of developing us. They'll push us to do things we don't necessarily want to do. They'll lead us to become greater adventurers, based on their need for adventure. They might lead us to become better ten pin bowlers, even if we're not a fan of going bowling like they are. They might harass us into becoming sculptors after having gone to the local art store to pick up supplies. We can teach them stuff too, like how to be super quiet (through reading, researching fascinating stuff on the internet, maybe diving into some guided meditation app etc) and how to develop the skills behind a neat and clean environment. If your place is where the kids come to be themselves, being kids they'll be noisy and messy. Couldn't hurt to find constructive and encouraging ways to help them develop aspects in themself that will serve them in life. Life skills.

Also, not sure whether you love working the hours you do. If not and you have the ability and financial freedom to drop some, this could allow you some more free time for yourself, between work and the kids visiting. Don't be too hard on yourself. Perfectly understandable, you feeling the way you do. Gaining new things or looking forward to new things might be able to offer you some of what you need. As a mum or stepmum, there are definitely moments when there's a need to develop a new vision, one that works for us and not just everyone around us.

[Resilience21]

Hello Stephanie_D

I so understand the complexity of your situation.

Life has chosen you to be the children's stepmother.

You are strong, loving and intelligent.  Live your life again in

harmony together WITH the children and your husband.

It could help to accept your life as it is now from all the

different angles. 

With everything you do, let LOVE be right beside you as a 

powerful support and guide. 

Try your very hardest ... you mean more to the children than

you will ever know. As we all carry our hurts, so do the

children through the separation.

I have lived with a stepmother for 13 years. Unfortunately she

was not as insightful and kind as you are and there has been a lot

of pain during my childhood (compounded through my mother's suicide

when I was five years old).

Wishing you all the best for your little family.

Best wishes B