30 Year Old, Life Lacking Meaning

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi I'm El.

I'm posting on here as I'm too poor to afford therapy at the moment and I don't know what else to do.

I don't want to come across ungrateful for all the good things in my life, of which there are many...but I have not yet been able to find a job or hobby that makes me feel like I belong.

I've had many different jobs, been to Uni & Tafe, but it has not lead me to anything I enjoy. I understand not everyone is able to find a job they love, I've accepted that. What I'm upset about is that, I haven't been able to feel fulfilled even in my hobbies. 

I have moments when I'm caught up in obsession with something, and I get excited. but I don't know how to continue that passion. I was brought up Atheist, but I find myself really interested in Spirituality. Things like the paranormal, near death experiences, mediums etc. There is nobody in my life I can talk to about these passions that either could entertain the thought of it, or don't make fun of me for believing in things. It makes me feel isolated.

There is also a side of me that recognises I'm only interested in things pertaining to spirituality as my life is lacking meaning. 

Anyways, I find myself crying often, disassociating in conversations and thinking often about death (to be clear I'm not suicidal, it's more so I feel so sad that I understand why some people feel suicidal and often wonder if the afterlife is a peaceful place). 

I get social anxiety and often feel out of place in most group settings, so I hope this is a safe space where I can find some sense of belonging. Any advice or a simple "I feel the same" would be appreciated. 

[Croix]

Dear Wiltingdaisy~

Welcome here to hte forum where you will not be judged on your beliefs, in fact I'd be pretty sure others here too believe in the spiritual and wonder at life after death. Life can change from isolation to something very much better at any time.

Let's get the matter of therapy and it's cost out the way first. There is a site called the Mindspot Clinic which has free on line self paced courses of therapy for a number of conditions including anxiety. It is government backed and uses qualified clinicians who are available as one goes through a course. If one has a GP they will liaise with them.

People who have used this site tell me - while not the same as face-to-face therapy does an excellent job.

As for you beliefs and curiosity, I can see nothing unusual or any reason for anybody not to take them seriously and converse with you on them. They are  something philosophers have pondered over. If you are unfortunate not to have met anyone similar so far maybe at least to some extent social anxiety has reduced the number of people you have interacted with on more than a superficial level.

You might be interested in the existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre and maybe his novel 'Nausea.' I remember talking with a forum member - no longer active - called Dottie 123 on this.

I know at 30 it might seem like time is slipping away, which I guess in one sense is true, however though TAFE, uni and elsewhere that time has not been wasted, you  have gathered a pretty large set of experiences and would have gained wisdom in the process.

I'm not sure that purpose in life is something one can seek out, it came to me when I started teaching (which was a totally unexpected career move) and may come to you  anytime as might someone to discuss tihngs with.

I thought at one stage life completely pointless and most uncomfortable, now I'm a different person

Croix

[therising]

Hi El

The warmest of welcomes to you. Btw, you don't sound ungrateful. I think we can feel grateful yet still feel a longing at the same time. Nothing wrong with longing for something more, something that's going to serve us in a number of ways.

Myself, I'm a spiritual kind of gal. I love and thrive on a lot of that stuff and it's something that serves my mental health. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I think it's about finding what serves us as an individual. When it comes to going down that rabbit hole of discovery or self discovery, some will be fascinated by the first offshoot associated with the mind or psychology. Some will more so be inclined to take the more physical root, associated with the body (biology and chemistry etc). Then there are those who'll take a more soulful, spiritual or what you could call natural path. They're all fascinating in their own way and all those paths can intersect in some cases at certain points, which helps explain the mind/body/spirit or holistic approach.

I've found the spiritual path to be something quite surprising. It can include a lot of stuff some people may struggle to imagine, logical stuff as well as what some may refer to as 'all that woo woo bull****'😁. It can include the study of quantum physics. So, traditional studies of energy (chi, prana etc) and a modern understanding of energy, combined. It can be fascinating to study many different forms of energy in motion and how we experience or feel that energy within us and around us.

I'd have to say the thing I love most about the spiritual take on life involves how it addresses sensitivity. Sensitivity is defined as 'the ability to sense'. So, it's not a fault but an ability well worth mastering. If anyone ever says 'You're way too sensitive', the comeback becomes 'Hell yeah, I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense how degrading you can be at times. You do have quite a feel to you' 😁

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was 'Find your circle'. Not being a part of a circle of people who can raise us or help us progress in the ways we really wish to can definitely feel lonely. The same person also advised 'As you choose your path in life, there will be those who will throw much and sh** at you while you walk that path. Your challenge is to learn to wash it off and keep on walking'. Going off track just to please others can become depressing. Some folk would much rather we go off track and be depressed, rather than stay on that path and be woo woo. You gotta seriously question that.

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for reading my post, it means a lot right now.

It is my hope to be more authentic when talking to people, and not feel afraid to show the real me. 

I will 100% look into Mindspot Clinic, it sounds like it could be very useful to me. 

I will also look into Jean-Paul Satre, it sounds right up my alley. Anything philosophical and touching on existence has been of great interest to me. 

And you're right, I will try not to disregard the last few years that I have gone and learned new things and gained new experience. 

I guess when I say purpose, I just want to be excited about the future. I haven't given up hope that things will change as if there's one certainty in life it is change. It has just felt like a long time since I've felt excited for life. It's funny you say that, my mother went into teaching unexpectedly and found it to be her calling. I'm so thankful for your kind words and wisdom. I hope you have a great day, you made mine much better.

Wilting Daisy

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi therising,

Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

You perfectly encapsulated everything that I love about things related to Spirituality. There is so much of it that intersects with what people consider to be "proper science" and it fascinates me endlessly. It is a shame those closest to me are so quick to dismiss it as "woo woo bullsh**t" but at the same time I understand why they might think that way. 

I have definitely been told I'm sensitive 😂 but now, because of what you said, I'm going to try and see it as a good thing. And not just a good things but an ability 😊

Perhaps I just need to keep searching for ways to connect with likeminded people when I want to talk about such topics. I definitely feel like a people pleaser and it is exhausting. I would love to be able to wash off the mud and keep walking. Years of poor coping mechanisms still haunt me and I wish I didn't care so much of what others think of me. I guess I am a work in progress. 

Your words are inspiring, I want to thank you for sharing your interest in Spirituality. It has made me feel less alone today. 

All the best,

El aka Wiltingdaisy

[therising]

Hi El

I'm glad you could relate and I'm glad you felt a sense of inspiration 😊. I love the feeling of inspiration, it's a beautiful feeling, indeed.

I think our whole world changes, along with our self esteem levels, when we can find other sensitive people. I offer the following scenario: Imagine sitting in an audience of 100 people with a guest speaker up the front. Everyone could be amazed by them and fully inspired but there's just something about them that's off. Everyone just loves them, which leads you to think 'What's wrong with me? Why don't I love them like everyone else?'. So, there's self doubt creeping in, not being able to trust how or what you feel. Now, picture the same kind of scenario but this time there are half a dozen other highly sensitive people in the audience (besides you) and you can spot them because they're all looking around to see who else feels something off about the speaker. It's the same speaker, saying the same stuff. The difference involves others with good instinct. It's amazing how self doubt diminishes when there are others who feel the way you do. It's incredible when you find the kind of people who, on a cellular level, experience a similar vibrational resonant frequency (aka 'when you find the tribe you vibe with' 😁).  

With that 'People pleasing' aspect, I can relate. Took me decades to finally realise that if you don't please certain people, they do become super sensitive. The reason I find this quite amusing is based on the fact that these can include some of the people who accuse us of being too sensitive. They can be easily triggered if you don't say what they want you to say, if you don't think how they want you to think and if you don't do what they want you to do and so on. Insensitive people can be easily triggered when we begin to please our self a little more.

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi therising,

I love that scenario and it is so true. I feel like I have definitely felt that way before. Find the tribe you vibe with, I like that! 😄

Being inspired just feels like a little glimmer of hope, which is nice when most days feel devoid of hope. 

It especially gives me hope there are more people like me out there, we're just too damn quiet to be able to reach each other. 😅

[therising]

Hi Wiltingdaisy

I think we can come to know our self so much better when we can begin to happily relate to certain people. When those people can have us begin to relate to certain ideas, things worth imagining, certain situations or opportunities etc, we can come to know our self even more. Before that, we can be left thinking 'I have no idea who I am' or 'I don't know what I love or what brings me joy and I have no idea of my purpose'.

I like to imagine we have this inner emotional compass that directs us in a way. Pure joy, inspiration, a much needed sense of peace or revelation and brilliant guides can all relate to our 'true north', taking us in the best direction. That which is depressing, including people, environments, situations, destructive inner and external dialogue and beliefs etc are things that can felt as taking us south. Then there are the sudden detours, east or west. The detours don't necessarily feel obviously right or wrong, they can simply be round about ways of reaching our goals. Along those ways we can meet with so much of what can develop us, people included. So, for a sensitive person, it can be a matter of getting a sense of which way we're heading. Btw, one of the key things I've learned involves standing still. Standing still for too long, with no sense of direction, can become depressing. I think it's because we're designed to evolve, not stand still.❤️