High-Functioning Autism, Underemployed, Hopeless

SecretSperg

I feel like my whole rather narrow existence has been cultivated to avoid stressors, and that unfortunately the result of that is that I've become a basically useless person.

My ageing parents are being supported by my brother, who is successful, but is taking strain because of my father, who has become psychologically abusive to my mother. They were violently attacked by intruders in 2020 and my mother has never really recovered. My father was knocked out instantly but my mother had her head kicked in by the invaders.

I really don't recall my father being abusive to me (although he did always have a temper) and I have only seen a little of this behaviour when visiting them. She has become very frail and needs a carer. I don't think my father is a bad person, but I think he's lost all sense of purpose and is taking it out on her.

Maybe two years ago, I could've helped out more than I am doing now (I send my father money for groceries, and have gotten him out of the house to bowl and my girlfriend has organised a a psychologist to help him) but I lost my longest-held job to a reshuffle and have been working part-time, so the money's a bit thin.

My girlfriend has been really supportive, but is losing patience with me and I don't really blame her. She's a very high-agency person and has been cajoling me to improve my outlook with investing and so on, which I want to do but feel paralysed as my income is currently low (I do have substantial savings, but they've taken a hit). I retreat from things that cause me anxiety, and I'm so used to everything going wrong that I develop anxiety thinking about losing my savings etc.

I have the usual failings of an autistic person in that I don't notice that I've been insensitive until it's far too late. You can apologise, but that doesn't really work long term, eventually people just avoid you. I try to develop habits asking about people's feelings and so on, but I always slip up.

I am absolutely self-aware about my failings as a person, but I want to improve and I just don't know how. I've been working through a bout of severe depression with the attendant anhedonia, and I've sort of lost the mental energy to deal with it.

Sophie_M

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing this! You’ve been carrying a huge amount on your shoulders, and it makes sense that you’re feeling worn down and stuck. Reading your post, I see someone who is deeply aware, thoughtful, and trying to do the right thing in very difficult circumstances, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now.

What you describe around autism, anxiety, and retreating from stressors is something many people relate to, especially after periods of loss, trauma, and burnout. Losing work, worrying about finances, and feeling caught between wanting to help family while struggling yourself can drain anyone’s capacity.

It’s also clear you care about your parents, your partner, and your relationships. The fact that you’re reflecting on your impact on others and wanting to improve says a lot about your values, even if the outcomes haven’t always been what you hoped. Change often doesn’t come from fixing everything at once, but from very small, supported steps that rebuild confidence and energy over time.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. If you’re able to, talking regularly with a mental health professional who understands both autism and depression could help you work through this at a pace that feels manageable. If things feel especially heavy or you’d like to talk it through sooner, Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support

You’re very welcome to keep sharing here as well. Many people in this community understand what it’s like to feel capable in theory but exhausted in practice. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way right now.

Take care,
Sophie M

SecretSperg

Thank you, Sophie.

Doors24

Dear SecretSperg,

I read your post and was struck by how much you believe you are doing wrong. However not praising yourself for the things you are doing right.

Being on the spectrum myself I used to and still do have a lot of feelings of failings, with how I deal with my emotions. However, my psychiatrist is working hard with me to demystify these notions. Even being high functioning Autistic, the reactions to circumstances may not be the same as others, but don't mean there isn't good intentions behind them. You are trying your best. But there is also a way that your brain naturally reacts, and that isn't your fault. You still notice when you may have hurt someone's feelings. And that bothers you. You could just ignore it.

I also don't believe your feelings are invalid around wanting to take a financial gamble. Your situation is just that, it would be a big gamble for you. Your situation in life, you are helping as much as you can. Perhaps in the future these circumstances will change. But you really are doing the best for now.

You didn't ask for that horrible thing to happen to your parents. Or what has subsequently followed. It isn't possible to control someone else's life. You are helping in the way's that you can.

Having depression defiantly zaps you of energy and if it is prolonged, then mental fatigue does set in. It is okay to be tired. It doesn't make you useless. It makes you a real human who needs time and care themselves. You are still achieving a lot despite everything you are facing.

I am cheering you on,

Doors24

SecretSperg

Thank you Doors24.

Well, my girlfriend of seven years has dumped me. She's been an absolute pillar of support whenever I've required it, but things had been mostly platonic for a while, and I think my frustration made me act out. We are still friendly although the thought of hanging out for the foreseeable future is unbearable. Too embarrassing.

Ages ago, she reacted to my dream of living together quite negatively, and I probably should've taken the hint to go, but I loved and respected her and hoped things would get better.

I'm taking this as an opportunity to start anew. After growing up Christian and becoming an atheist in my twenties, I'm giving church another shot.